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Archive: Shoe

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I mean, what’s the point of the crown if it’s not from aliens

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 8/30/20

Slylock seems pretty confident that Count Weirdly is lying about being anointed King of Earth by a powerful alien civilization, based on a firm belief that, as described by special relativity, the speed of light is in fact the upper limit at which information can travel. Of course, Count Weirdly has a working time machine, which you’d think would prove that ordinary physical laws don’t apply to him. You’d also think his powers to bend time itself would help him establish his rule over our planet without needing alien intervention on his behalf, but that’s a debate for another time.

Gasoline Alley, 8/30/20

Gasoline Alley is, along with The Simpsons, the last media franchise on Earth still trying to squeeze laughs out of Frank Nelson’s character from The Jack Benny Show. This Nelson-ish fellow has been annoying the Gasoline Alley crew intermittently over the years, and today has proven that even death can’t stop his antics. Still, we shouldn’t let the appearance of this beloved (?) figure distract us from the true horror here, which is that Walt, who was almost finally freed from his cursed, interminable earthly existence and was ready to receive his reward from his Creator, is being dragged back down to the plane of the living on the orders of a cruel family that simply will not let him die.

Shoe, 8/30/20

In the Shoe world of sapient birds, there is no pan-avian solidarity. Different bird species still see themselves in competition, and boast that they would certainly never be dismembered and eaten at human-run fast food restaurants! The fact that whole international businesses exist to murder and cook intelligent creatures isn’t the problem, the problem is actually that some of those creatures are too inherently dumb to avoid getting captured and processed into lunch. Pretty grim, if you ask me!

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Is it … a golf thing? Are they in the clubhouse? I’m out of my element

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Blondie, 8/15/20

Honestly, what exactly is the social context for the first two panels of this strip? Herb and Dagwood are eating out together, decked out in their pastel polos, at someplace fancy enough to have white tablecloths and high prices. What’s really eerie to me, honestly, is how completely spotless that tablecloth is. Maybe I’m a slob but that seems kind of unusual, post-meal, yes? Maybe Dagwood, driven by his omnipresent, insatiable hunger, sucked every last molecule of food out of the fibers of the tablecloth once he had licked his plate clean, literally. You can see why Herb might be reluctant to pay in that situation.

The Lockhorns, 8/15/20

It’s of course common to see Leroy and Loretta using their occasional guests as props in their sick psychodrama, which explains why said guests never visit more than once. Today seems to be breaking a new frontier, however, in that Leroy and Loretta are actually opening up emotionally to their friends about how troubled their marriage is, maybe in hopes of getting some guidance on how to turn things around. (These people will also not visit more than once.)

Shoe, 8/15/20

“Get it? Sheltering? Sweltering? Anyway, you don’t seem to be sweating so it’s possible I’m just running a high fever, but I got bored of staying at home so whatever. You don’t mind if I breathe all over you, do you?”

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Wheels within menacing wheels, man

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Mary Worth, 8/8/20

You gotta respect that, despite the fact that Toby is Mary’s only real friend, Mary maintains the upper hand in their relationship by keeping her in constant terror that Mary will reject her for some unforgivable transgression, like making subpar banana bread. Don’t hate me, Mary! Don’t cast me out into the outer darkness! Don’t leave me alone with nobody but Ian to talk to! Ian, for God’s sake! I couldn’t take it!

Dennis the Menace, 8/8/20

Starting with a healthy skepticism of the motivations behind the actions of powerful institutions but then veering into increasingly deranged paranoid conspiracy theories is a little on the nose for our current menacing moment, thank you very much!

Shoe, 8/8/20

“Because I and all the customers are birds. You know, animals, like you’d see in the zoo. Is there a special word for a bird-zoo? An avarium or something? Is that a thing? Anyway: birds.”