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Shoe, 3/9/24

The bird-people of Shoe generally have two emotional registers: horrified and very depressed. So I’m pleased that Shoe has discovered a third one, even though it’s apoplectic rage. The Perfesser has mostly slept through it, but it’s still an important step.

Pardon My Planet, 3/9/24

Not sure what’s worse here: that Pardon My Planet doesn’t know what socialism is, or that Pardon My Planet doesn’t know why that piggy was going to market.

Gil Thorp, 3/9/24

Gil has tried a lot of tactics for getting his student-athletes to improve their performance — coaching them, not coaching them, coaching them but real half-assed, getting other people to coach them for him, and so forth. But it turns out that the best technique of all is to simply exude the pleasant vibes that can only be created by sexual satisfaction.

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Mary Worth, 3/4/24

Oh, so, uh, it seems like the Keith-Kitty-Sonia family fraud reunion plot has … ended? With Keith’s tiny mind unburdened by his terrible deception? No opportunity for follow-up, though, because it’s time for Mary and Jeff’s one-a-quarter date! Yes, nothing will get Mary’s mind off the Crazy World that she learns about entirely through The News better than a desultory sexual encounter on a reasonably successful doctor’s boat.

Pluggers, 3/4/24

Shoutout to Pluggers, whose whole vibe over the decades has carefully created the strategic ambiguity that leaves me, a liberal big-city elitist, unsure whether today’s panel is about some “Hints from Heloise” type technique for keeping your shirts fresh/unwrinkled before a big event, or if it’s just a “Ha ha, pluggers are old and increasingly plagued by dementia” joke.

The Phantom, 3/4/24

The thing about the Phantom is that he’s a tough, gun-toting, fists-flying superhero vigilante but also the product of a 21-generation long eugenics program, and I feel like being raised to know this is true about yourself must have some pretty weird effects on your psyche. Like, check out how aroused Kit Jr. looks in the second panel here! “Seems that mom’s finally figured out the perfect breeding partner for me? And she’s planning to ambush me with her, sexually? Hot stuff!”

Shoe, 3/4/24

It honestly never occurred to me before this strip, but among his many other terrible qualities, Shoe is definitely a serial workplace sexual harasser.

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Shoe, 2/16/24

I was about to start this post with “Sorry I’m the Perfeser facial expression parser now,” but why should I apologize for that? You, my faithful readers, have specifically chosen to point your browser to josh reads dot com, the Comics Curmudgeon, or have perhaps even paid to receive post from that domain via email, so surely you of all people want the facial expressions of a clinically depressed cartoon bird man explicated to you, in a curmudgeonly way. Anyway, today’s strip is about how the Perfesser, in addition to being very depressed, is an alcoholic. You can tell because he looks like he wants to die in the first panel but after downing a tumbler of liquor in the second, he looks like he’s on top of the world. It won’t last!

Gasoline Alley, 2/16/24

We still don’t know what the shocking news in Gasoline Alley is, but we’ve heard characters talking a lot about how shocking and disturbing it is, and now Walt is going on a hunger strike, so I’m assuming it’s something like “LOCAL VET OF WORLD WAR I STILL ALIVE, GOVERNMENT SCIENTISTS AIM TO HARVEST HIS BLOOD TO CREATE IMMORTALITY SERUM”

Marvin, 2/16/24

“Our readers love it when we talk about Marvin pissing. Love it! But like all fetishists, they always need to escalate. What they want to see now is Marvin being pissed on. There’s nothing that the millions of sickos who read Marvin want more than to think about a toddler who’s simply covered in dog piss” –the Marvin creative team, who must be stopped, by the intervention of the U.S. military special forces if necessary