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Six Chix, 2/7/24

I said my piece a while back about why I’m not the biggest fan of cartoons about hell, but you know me: I can’t resist looking at a comic and thinking about the world-building, even in cases, like this one, where the world is hell. I’m kind of intrigued by the fact that the dude on the left here has one puff of chest hair on his otherwise smooth torso. Do the souls of the damned continually regrow their body hair, only to have it burn painfully off now and then as the temperature of the hellfire varies at random?

Pluggers, 2/7/24

This is a pretty subpar Pluggers in the sense that the plugger in the panel isn’t contributing to an overall joke or even giving us any new information over and above what’s in the caption. Feel like the dog-man should either be saying something jokey like “I want you to have my Lawrence Welk albums if I don’t make it” or just going all out with “They’re going to gut me like a fish, Bob! No, I’m not going to calm down!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/7/24

“Your nephew? Your nephew!?! You’re telling me that if your sibling has a son, that person is considered part of your family, and there’s even a special word you use to identify them? Holy shit, this changes everything.”

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Bizarro and Six Chix, 2/2/24

Were you, as an adolescent, fascinated by Dante’s Inferno, and in particular by the book’s weird geography, in which hell is a kind of cone under the Earth’s surface, with each “circle” a ledge on which some ironic and awful punishment is dished out on unfortunate sinners? Or were you, unlike me, normal? If the former, you are truly primed to appreciate and perhaps even create today’s Six Chix, which some might fight offensive to Italians but I consider a true delight even though the pun is a little bit of a stretch. If the latter, you might produce today’s other Dante comic. Get it, OMG=”Divine” and LOL=”Comedy”? This is the product of the normie mind and frankly doesn’t deserve the label “bizarre” at all.

Pardon My Planet, 2/2/24

If one of your deep-seated fantasies is cruelly taunting women on social media for going to the bathroom, because you get off on the idea of them having to sit there uncomfortably and hold it until your issue your approval via Facebook comments, then I guess it’s better to write a syndicated newspaper comic strip about it than it is to actually do it? Like, more people will know about it from a comic, which is bad, because nobody should know about this, it’s obviously very shameful, but at least you’re not actually targeting any specific women, and women in general now have a pretty good sense that they should steer clear of you.

Beetle Bailey, 2/2/24

Ha ha, artificial intelligence, am I right? It would certainly be crazy if AI were to replace Beetle and Sarge. Now I know what you’re thinking: given that today’s strip involves a close up on our two characters whose facial expressions barely change and who are standing in a featureless, backgroundless void, how do we know that AI hasn’t already replaced them, in the sense of writing this strip? Well, just as an experiment, I asked ChatGPT to write a Beetle Bailey on this topic:

Yes, well, there you have it: the soulless machine produces dialogue even less funny than the Walker-Browne Humor Industries LLC sweatshop, somehow tries to drag things out over four panels like this is 1959 and the comics pages have infinite space to fill, gets minor details wrong (have you ever seen “polishing boots” as one of Beetle’s assigned tasks?), and seems to think that Beetle and Sarge like each other.

But what about comics bloggers? Could they be replaced by a shiny cybernetic robot?

I feel like this is something that would’ve shocked every ’60s sci-fi writer churning out pulp novels and short stories about killer robots while out of their mind on benzedrine, but the thing about AI is that it isn’t mean enough to be funny. It’s called the Comics Curmudgeon, you pablum-spewing chatbot! Get back to me when you’re prepared to say that Beetle and Sarge engaging in “banter” isn’t enjoyable for anyone!

Anyway, tune in next time, dear readers, as we explore the unpredictable landscapes of the funny pages. Until then, keep those comics coming, and don’t forget to share your thoughts in the comments. Over and out!

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The Phantom, 2/1/24

So, big news everybody: The “Death of the Phantom” arc, which started, I swear to God, way back in 2017, is finally over, and, disappointingly, the Phantom didn’t even die! Now we’re finally on to the next storyline, and if you thought “Old Man Mozz and/or people who have heard a prophecy from Old Man Mozz keep repeating the same prophecy over and over again with slight variations” was irritating, you’ll really hate “The Phantom forces his family to listen to his rambling recounting of a dream he had last night,” which is what’s been happening for the last couple of weeks. But today we get to what hopefully is the meat of the storyline! Remember Eric Sahara, the Nomad, who was one of the Ghost Who Walks’s perennial antagonists, at least until he was captured, but before that his daughter became the Phantom’s daughter’s private school roommate and best friend and the Phantom had to rescue Mrs. The Nomad as a result? Anyway, an under-discussed aspect of the Phantom lore is that the Phantom identity is the product of a 22-generation breeding program, and we’re finally going to see how that plays out in practice (it plays out by the Phantom’s wives marrying their sons off to the daughters of prominent villains, creating a hero/villain hybrid line that can never be defeated).

Shoe, 2/1/24

Look, man, if you’re a pervert and in you’re in Wal-Mart or whatever and see a bottle of dog shampoo and all you can think about is gently massaging it into some lady’s hair and whispering to her, “You’re a good girl, such a good girl,” I support you and all, but I don’t think you should use that as material in your comic strip about bird-people. It’s just semiotically confusing. Like is she a bird or a dog or what. How can you even get turned on by this, there’s too much going on.

Six Chix, 2/1/24

Hey, you guys ever think about what would happen if the pumpkin carriage from Cinderella rotted, like a real pumpkin, and Cinderella rotted inside of it too, I guess because she’s dead? No? Just me? Just me wondering about this?