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Six Chix, 5/13/14

Good morning, reader! Do you hate yourself? Like, really hate yourself, not because of anything in particular that you do or say or think or feel, not even because of some specific inborn quality or trait; no, I mean, do you hate your very nature, your essence, the core qualities that make you you and can never be changed? Ha ha, you and a bunch of other people, probably! Anyway, it’s spring, the weather’s nice, cheer up.

Funky Winkerbean, 5/13/14

Funky vs. the treadmill, day two: Funky has suffered some kind of cardiac or ischemic event and passed out on the treadmill, probably spraining his knee and/or breaking his nose as he collapsed. Ha ha, let’s just say he “fell asleep,” though!

Luann, 5/13/14

Oh, wow, will Luann spend the months between now and the advent of Luann: The College Years exploring the broken souls the title character leaves in her wake? Will this strip be going Full Winkerbean? Will all of July be dedicated to Gunther’s horrifying inner life? PLEASE LET THE ANSWERS TO ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS BE YES

Heathcliff, 5/13/14

Ha ha, Heathcliff is lurking around a flower shop in a bee costume because … of pollination, I guess? Heathcliff is planning to fuck those flowers, is what I’m saying.

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Family Circus, 5/6/14

If there’s one thing we know about Billy Keane, it’s that he hates learning things. Attempts to get him up to the base knowledge of knowledge necessary for being a functioning member of society have inspired in him a range of emotions running form smoldering anger to haughty contempt. But today we see that resisting all forms of intellectual advancement is just straight-up exhausting. When will Billy get to stop fighting with the chance to learn something about the world outside himself? When will they just let him wallow in his own ignorance? How much more of this do you expect him to take?

Six Chix, 5/6/14

I’ve always thought it would be a good real estate strategy to check out houses where high-profile murders or other horrible things took place, since I’m not superstitious about that sort of thing but a lot of people are, and it seems like I could get a good deal, maybe. Like, for instance, a house where a couple of children were killed and eaten! That’s what happened here, right? Because the kids in the Hansel and Gretel story killed the witch, so this is clearly an alternate scenario, but there’s no way everyone survived. Those kids were stone-cold killers. It was eat or be eaten. What I’m saying is that from a real estate perspective, that’s a much bigger problem than just the lack of candy attached to the outside of the house. The candy was probably attracting rats anyway, let’s be honest.

Mark Trail, 5/6/14

i don’t mean to frighten you

than normal bears

PURE POETRY

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Six Chix, 5/2/14

If you’re an wealthy older guy with unruly clown-like hair and you manage to convince a younger woman to marry you, most people would be convinced you’re only after one thing. But the truth is that you’re probably also interested in a having a gracious hostess to help you throw all the black-tie dinner parties that are crucial to your social position. So yeah, I totally get why this guy is so furious that his wife has deliberately misconstrued his urging that she be more social and has chosen to publicly embarrass him in this way. This is a totally relatable comic that encapsulates the kind of thing that happens to real people all the time!

Blondie, 5/2/14

Well, technically, Dagwood, if you subscribe to the auteur theory, Francis Ford Coppola made The Godfather; or, if you prefer to think of filmmaking as a collaborative, industrial process, you could blame producer Albert S. Ruddy and Paramount Pictures. Also, whoever made the movie, they made it in 1972. That was 42 years ago! So it’s a good thing Blondie got this joke in while it’s still a hot topic.

Spider-Man, 5/2/14

Wait, Robbie and JJJ think people like Spider-Man? Oh, man, we could have all saved a lot of trouble if this misunderstanding had been cleared up earlier.