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Mary Worth, 6/3/12

Well, this is an unexpected development! It seems that Wilbur is looking to get Dawn out of his few remaining hairs by shipping her off to … exotic Italy! With Giorgio, who sounds sexxay. And maybe married, but whatever, they do things differently over there, as I’ve been led to believe by Silvio Berlusconi. This seems like exactly what Dawn needs to pull her out of her funk.

And what a funk it is, as we reach day seven of Dawn lying on the couch and watching Game of Thrones and intermittently blurting out “Life is brutal.” Although with her eyes closed and neither hand properly visible, I’m tempted to guess that she’s actually engaging in a little self-pleasure right there in the living room, which, good for her in general, but not bothering to get out of home spaces Wilbur might at any moment occupy may be a symptom of larger problems. And it isn’t even during one of the show’s many sex scenes! (I’ve never watched it, but I’m given to understand that you see balls and/or boobies about once every 45 seconds.) Also, if “Life is brutal” is what she says while orgasming, we may have an explanation for why her relationships all seem to end so abruptly.

Dick Tracy, 6/3/12

Little Face has been nice enough to spy on his evil crime gang for Dick and the cops, so you’d think that they’d have him wear a wire in the traditional sense of wearing one concealed under his clothes, rather than giving him a clunky old two-way wrist TV that’s totally visible and emits glowing electrical arcs to boot.

Six Chix, 6/3/12

You heard it here first, parents: spend too much time on the computer and your child will go catch whatever diseases you get from splashing around in bird shit.

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Marvin, 5/30/12

At this point in my life I’m pretty deep in the throes of Marvin Derangement Syndrome, so I don’t really ever expect to find satisfaction in this feature’s panels. But I have to admit that I feel a certain amount of validation in knowing that even the other characters in the strip are disgusted at the thought of looking at more images of Marvin.

Ballard Street, 5/30/12

Ballard Street is a generally amusing one-paneler that depicts a mostly interchangeable cast of characters engaging in insane and inscrutable activities, so I usually leave it alone, but I thought that today’s installment, in which the punchline basically boils down to “Chip got drunk and passed out on the couch,” was worthy of your attention.

Six Chix, 5/30/12

I was going to huff that a plant needs the energy it derives from sunlight via photosynthesis in order to engage in the metabolic processes that this woman is demanding, but then I just decided to respect this panel for what it is: the melancholy tale of a person who feels so powerless in her everyday life that she comes home and bullies her plants.

Pluggers, 5/30/12

A plugger’s life is an awful charnel house in which everyone around them is dead or dying.

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Judge Parker, 5/25/12

It’s nice to know that I can do my best to come up with a ludicrously favorable plot outcome for a Judge Parker hero and still undershoot things. See, I thought that Avery Blackstone would sign off on Sam’s unduly generous and hastily written contract proposals only after Sam proved his fly-fishing prowess, when in fact Avery is so eager to spend some dude time with Sam that he’s willing to just skip the hard-hitting negotiations that are the entirety of his job duties. Presumably, once the two of them head down to a trout-filled brook, one of their flies will snag on the handle of a suitcase half-buried in the stream bed. They’ll pull it out and open it, find millions of dollars in bundled hundreds, and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Mark Trail, 5/25/12

“Plus, I suppose, emotionally devastated, world falling apart, blah blah blah. I don’t know her very well, so I can’t say for sure that she has basic human emotions.”

Mary Worth, 5/25/12

“But wait, Dawn, I wanted to show you my latest invention — half ham sandwich, half Pop-Tart. I call it a Meat-Tart! Instead of frosting, it has mayonnaise!”

Ziggy, 5/25/12

In the post-apocalyptic future, the dwindling supplies of food are under the control of warlords and their gangs, and these thugs won’t accept the dead government’s fiat money in payment. They’ll only take payment in ammo and sex, and Ziggy is out of luck on both counts.

Six Chix, 5/25/12

The American judicial system’s hidden crisis: horny old ladies.