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Six Chix, 8/23/19

Dear Lady: Cat no ask be pet. You make cat pet! Cat is cat: leave cat be.

Between Friends, 8/23/19

The clerk hasn’t found a job that values her creative writing degree, but she hasn’t lost her gift for concise metaphor, either.

Mary Worth, 8/23/19

“Dear Glum Gina — Yes, I read Mary Worth, too. Don’t get your hopes up.”

Family Circus, 8/23/19

“Someday,” Jeffy says, “someday the strip will be mine, and I’ll show the world how it really was back then, growing up. How he was, sitting in the back seat across from me, counting the cars as we passed and yammering on about every … damn … one. And then again in the restaurant, unspooling those endless hours of drivel in reverse, car by car. Back then I couldn’t do anything more than turn my head to shut him out. But someday the strip will be mine. I’ll show them all, and everyone will know.”

— Uncle Lumpy

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Six Chix, 8/21/19

1. “And ostriches run fast, so I’m hoping to best you in this competition!”
2. “So perhaps I have my head in the sand about my athletic abilities.”
3. “The better to kick the crap out of you, my dear!”
4. “That’s why this punchline laid an egg!”

Dustin, 8/21/19

All week these folks have been getting bummed out by the news. A word of advice, Dustin people — stay away from the comics!

Funky Winkerbean, 8/21/19

“Well, of course you’re the only colorist they have. Until you get replaced by some Bangladeshi outsourcer! Or some discount freelancer on Fiverr! But hey: I hear you’re engaged to be married to Mopey Pete! God, your life sucks! I’m so grateful to be old and near death.”

Hi and Lois, 8/21/19

“Nature, red in tooth and claw” seems a little off-brand for Hi and Lois.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Six Chix, 8/13/19

For some reason I’ve always had it in my head that birds and other animals with cloacae can’t actually control their bowel movements, and that poop or pee or what have you just kind of slides out whenever. A little research, though, taught me that birds can in fct be potty trained, although small ones like budgies have to go every few minutes and they can really hurt themselves if they hold it for too long! I’m telling you this because want all of you to appreciate the disgusting research I do so I don’t convey inaccurate information when I make my dumb poop jokes about a comic strip nobody likes. Anyway, I guess the point is that that bird probably could’ve avoided pooping on that kid if he had wanted to, but, like his friend says, it’s cool. Kids love it when animals shit on them, at parties!

Funky Winkerbean, 8/13/19

I would be going on at great length about how weird it is that this strip concludes with Mindy shooting bedroom eyes at Mopey Pete implying “Sexual delights await you if you, a noted non-jock, are able to score a victory at a carnival game of the sort that’s notoriously rigged, just like my grandfather, a well-known-asshole, was able to do,” except I’m thoroughly distracted by the fact that that’s clearly not her hand holding the baseball. It’s not, right? It’s too big and it’s at the wrong angle. “Easy, Pete, Easy,” poor Mopey Pete is thinking to himself. “Wait till she’s distracted, and then run.”

The Lockhorns, 8/13/19

Ahh, Loretta has finally made a friend, or at least a social acquaintance, and so Leroy knows what to do as soon she arrives, before she’s even had a chance to set down her purse: performatively pour himself a very large glass of brown liquor, knowing that Loretta will inevitably make some wisecrack, with whole scene ensuring this lady will never come back. The Lockhorns really delivered on its core schtick today, and I for one appreciate it.