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Gasoline Alley, 2/16/16

“That’s crazy! How can it burn up and down? Why do we drive on a parkway but park in a driveway? Why did our best linguists fail to fully explain the nuances of the speech patterns of Earth languages? Why did I bother with this human-shaped fleshsuit if my inky black chitinous insectoid eyes were still going to be visible after I put it on? Wait, did I say that last part out loud?”

Family Circus, 2/16/16

“Just a bunch of gross dead birds stuffed in a pie crust! Pretty weird, huh? And I’m supposed to eat that? No thanks! Hey, is anybody listening to me?”

Six Chix, 2/16/16

From the people who brought you “Ha ha, it’s funny because the fish just watched their friend die,” it’s “Ha ha, it’s funny because this lobster’s about to be boiled alive, and is just becoming aware of it!” I’m … I’m kind of worried about Six Chix, guys.

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Dick Tracy, 2/15/16

Oh hey Dick Tracy is celebrating the U.S. re-establishing diplomatic relations with Cuba by having Dick travel to Cuba, to fight crime, with a Cuban detective and also a Russian! Anyway, today they’re all suddenly talking to Enormous Cuban Wolverine-Esque guy with little explanation, who has “Dirty Action Terminate Land For” written on his chest, which is definitely a thing that makes sense. Jokes on you, “DJ,” the U.S. has extradition treaties with both Panama and Bermuda.

Slylock Fox, 2/15/16

The animals may think they’re building a new, better world without us, but they’re fooling themselves. They’re pale shadows of us. Why else do they wear our clothes, live in our cities, mimic our forms of justice? The real losers (other than the billions of human beings who were mauled to death in the opening hours of the animapocalypse) were the ones living out in the wilderness. The foxes, the mice, the cats and dogs — they had spent time living in the cities, and when they Awoke, they were on familiar ground. They probably started driving the first day. But the giraffes and the other animals out away from humanity — they could talk now, and form abstract thoughts, but that doesn’t mean they understood the new world they were expected to participate in. Look at poor Jerry. He’s not even wearing clothes. They’ve just thrown a sheet over him. He doesn’t know he’s supposed to be ashamed.

Mark Trail, 2/15/16

Mark, you’ve been trapped in this cave for maybe 30 seconds and it’s way too soon to start touting the merits of “land shrimp.” You are far too eager about all this. “Hey guys, do you know that bat guano is nature’s chocolate? And let me tell you about ‘long pig!'”

Six Chix, 2/15/16

OH GOD THEY’RE MELTING THEMSELVES

THEIR LOWER JAWS ARE MELTING RIGHT AWAY AS THEY SCREAM ENDLESSLY

WHY DO THEY KEEP DRINKING

CAN’T THEY SEE THE MUTILATED CORPSES

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Six Chix and Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/13/16

My main source of info on the aesthetics of diamonds is my wife, who thinks standard diamonds are pretty but not worth the cost and chocolate diamonds are gross. But tastes vary! Still, I’m not really sure what the thrust of the joke in today’s Six Chix is supposed to be. I’m assuming Newly Engaged Lady can’t just be straightforwardly praising her fiance’s choice, as the strip would then lack a “joke” per se. Does she like “chocolate” diamonds because it’s like chocolate the candy and … ladies … be … eating chocolate? Like beloved cartoon character Cathy? Ack? Is this meant to be a commentary on the successful marketing of chocolate diamonds, historically just called brown diamonds and used mostly for industrial purposes, as a newly hip decorative gemstone? Whatever the case, today’s Barney Google and Snuffy Smith cuts through the various layers of meaning encoded the modern tradition of the engagement ring. Our modern, post-industrial society can afford to create abstract signifiers that participate in the ritual of creating a family bond; in impoverished Hootin’ Holler, the residents are closer to the base of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, and they know what a bride wants is agricultural land, and lots of it.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/13/16

[stocks of Abbot, Nestle, and other infant formula manufacturers skyrocket as terrified mothers abandon breast-feeding]