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Slylock Fox, 7/14/08

My deep and abiding affection for Reeky Rat has been captured on film, so there’s really no point in denying it any further. Today’s strip is awesome not because he’s rear-ending soft-hearted hippos (though there is that) but because of his stunning fashion choices. We’ve previously seen Reeky in trailer park casual and nothing at all, but today he’s gotten all gussied up, wearing his best fringed vest and no doubt spending hours and a lot of product getting his pompadour fluffed out to epic proportions. The question is, where could Reeky possibly be going that might require this level of sartorial sophistication? My guesses are “uncomfortable visit to babymomma’s parents” and “court appearance.”

Archie, 7/14/08

I don’t normally encourage Photoshoppers to turn objects in innocent family comics into bongs, but there are some days when you just have to run with what they give you.

Gil Thorp, 7/14/08

“You know, the way that Mr. Vargas thought that by the time Elmer finally found out the truth about his immigration status, it wouldn’t matter. Woo-hoo! Web of lies high five!”

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Slylock Fox, 7/13/08

Justice for Cassandra! There’s nothing illegal about walking your dog in painfully high heels and a ludicrously short skirt, and there’s nothing illegal about huffing glue and rooting around in the back seats of taxicabs to see if anyone left anything valuable there. If you don’t want your precious gems studding the collars of local pets and/or S&M bottoms, you should probably keep better track of them.

I’m not sure what’s more disturbing: the fact that there’s a mouse crawling around on the back of the dog owner in the top Six Differences panel, or the many unsettling possibilities as to where that mouse might have gone in the bottom panel.

Judge Parker, 7/13/08

“Sam and Steve shop for golf clubs,” scheduled to run for the six to eight weeks, will make you long for the days of such exciting Judge Parker fare as “Raju gets a makeover,” “Marie sprains her ankle,” and “Sophie recites global warming data she found on the Internet in an unsettling monotone.”

Crankshaft, 7/13/08

It’s nice to see Crankshaft trying to fill the void left by the departure of They’ll Do It Every Time, but the execution seems to lack a certain zing.

Dennis the Menace, 7/13/08

“Meditating” = “high as a kite,” obviously.

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Slylock Fox, 7/6/08

Never mind Count Weirdly’s unnecessarily complex plastic-ice-cube-based alibi for his rather pedestrian Best Buy theft. How could the callous Count have left his menagerie of beasties alone without fresh food and water during his long trip? Whatever food the fish and the vulture were left with has been reduced to mere bones, and the hairy thing in the cage appears to just be urinating all over the floor. I don’t even want to think about how long it’s been since the brain in the jar has been watered. Perhaps Weirdly’s pointless computer crime was just an elaborate, roundabout way to get Slylock and Max to come and feed his pets, or possibly be eaten by them.

I love the aging hippie in the Six Differences. Perhaps he’s taking his grandson on a tour of America’s diners, his aging psychedelic van still blaring “Freedom Rock” out of the 8-track player as they roam our nation’s byways.

For Better Or For Worse, 7/6/08

Grandma Marion is learning the sad truth about the comics afterlife: despite the fact that you no doubt remember yourself as the ravishing young bride who actually wore the dress that you’re ectoplasmically helping to mend, you instead only get to come back as aged and potato-nosed. You’re also wearing an apron, because even in the Great Beyond, you’re expected to cook.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/6/08

The muscle-flexing, mustachioed cop in the next-to-last panel seriously led me to believe that this was the set-up for some kind of gay erotica. Since it involves the cast of Funky Winkerbean, it would be part of an extremely specific genre known as “mope porn.”

Mary Worth, 7/6/08

Speaking of mope porn … wow, Dr. Jeff has sure reached some kind of horrifying nadir of self-abasement. Will every man who lusts after Mary’s sensibly clad bod have his will broken before he can be truly worthy of her love? Aldo’s rough wooing was action of a sort, and though it led to his humiliation and horrible death, at least he didn’t spend his time slouching around the house drunkenly thought-ballooning at her picture.

Panel from Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/6/08

“Clam down” is going to be my new all-purpose reaction to people who sound like crazy men. If they are actually crazy, it’ll freak the hell out of them. “CLAM DOWN, MAN! CLAM DOWN! OYSTER! CLAM CLAM! BIVALVE!”