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Slylock Fox, 8/17/08

Oh, sure, the main puzzle in today’s Slylock at first glance seems like it could take place in any abandoned house being used as a hideout by a criminal gorilla; it’s a common story, what with the recent spike in home foreclosures and downsizing at local primate houses. But check out that portrait hanging by the door: that’s none other than Mr. Mark Trail. I think it’s pretty clear that Harry Ape is holed up in the house where Kelly Welly spent her sad, final years. Having lost the good looks that allowed her to bend men to her will, and alienated her friends by her constant foolishness, she was left with nothing but her picture of her one true love; she spent the last days of her life alone, throwing chicken bones on the floor and propping up her crumbling furniture with cinder blocks. It’s quite sad, really.

Family Circus, 8/17/08

I was going to say that there could be no greater horror than the concept of “water sports” as applied to the Keane Kids, but then I got a load of the actual panel so entitled. While we are treated to a hint of Billy Ass, at least we are spared any glimpse of Little Billy. Thank God for Newton’s First Law of Motion, as it applies to dangly bits.

In the “hurdles” panel, Mom is clearly either going kick Jeffy right in the ribcage or go sprawling onto the stovetop; I vote for the former, as that will learn him to loll around in front of pots spewing out ominous black smoke. Also, “wrestling” appears to be code for “beating the living crap out of Daddy.” Even the animals are getting in on the savage assault.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/17/08

Rex is looking pretty chipper in panel four, presumably because he’s totally intrigued by the concept of separate vacations. “If taking vacations apart is good for a marriage, maybe spending all our time apart will be even better!” But by the final panel, he’s looking very, very sad indeed. “Damn it, it’s awkward enough avoiding sexual advances from my wife; I don’t want to have to deal with this at work, too!”

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Beetle Bailey, 8/11/08

Due to Beetle’s all-too-typical incompetence, the fragging of Sgt. Snorkel is not going as planned.

Dick Tracy, 8/11/08

I have managed to avoid talking about the current Dick Tracy storyline, but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that it appears to be concluding with a woman being torn to bits by vicious dogs.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/11/08

Yes, the dramatic shadowing seems to indicate less “pleasantly surprised” and more “contemplating murder-suicide.”

Slylock Fox, 8/11/08

Then Slylock instructed Max to hand over the God-damned cake, ’cause it looks fucking delicious.

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Slylock Fox, 7/29/08

It took me a while to figure out exactly what the storyline was in today’s Six Differences — dog mauls little girl to seize her ice cream, little girl weeps for the loss of the treat that she’d been looking forward to all day, little boy laughs sadistically at her pain, squirrel is horrified by the quotidian cruelties that selfish humans and animals visit upon each other, bird lands on dog’s head and stares at the viewer with huge, soulless eyes. At first I didn’t make the connection between the fallen ice cream cone and the brown goo in the dog’s mouth, and just assumed that the mutt was eating his own feces; while I realize that this is more or less a daily event in kennels and dog parks all across this great nation of ours, I was shocked to see it in a family newspaper.

Ballard Street, 7/29/08

But then again, today’s Ballard Street is about a dog licking his own ass, so perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised by anything anymore.

Marmaduke, 7/29/08

This may be the first time I’ve used the phrase “I like” in relation to Marmaduke, but: I like the way the other dog is hiding behind his owner in today’s Marmaduke. It really helps emphasize the unspoken conclusion to Marmaduke’s owner’s sentence, which is “… considering the enormous, murderous hellbeast he’s become today! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH HIM NO NO NO”

Judge Parker, 7/29/08

In non-dog news, Sam Driver recently discovered that just touching this little red book has magically improved his golf game, in a sequence that involved Abbey wearing ludicrously short shorts but also involved Sam shooting golf balls at a driving range — possibly the most boring thing I can imagine — so I couldn’t bring myself to comment on it. Today, though, I’m intrigued by the fact that Sam has scored one of those bulkhead seats at the front of coach — you know, the ones that have twenty feet of open space in front of them. That’s just one of the benefits of flying Teal Seat Airlines! Another benefit: stewardess ass crack.