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Panel from Slylock Fox, 5/6/18

“Wait, Max, hold on. Just close your eyes for a second. Just think about this movie theater we’re in, how just a few years ago it would’ve been all humans in here, how ‘Konga’ would’ve been the villain in that picture, if they made it at all. And now it’s ours. It’s our theater, Max, and this perp — well, sure, he’s done some crimes, but he’ll being punished after a trial in a court of law, not beaten with a stick or put down by a vet. Take a minute to savor that fact, you know? Just a minute. This guy’s not going anywhere, I promise.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/6/18

Man, what sort of adventures are the Harwoods going to have as they travel across this great country of ours? I sure hope they get to see America’s most fascinating tourist attractions, like that big mansion where Jordan and Michelle are trying their best to fuck in every single room before the lawyers for his dead boss’s estate come and kick him out!

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Dennis the Menace, 4/22/18

Acting as if minor changes in consumer behavior can solve major structural societal problems? Pretty darn menacing, if you ask me.

Pluggers, 4/22/18

THEORY: The pluggers most like to care about the welfare of animals … are the ones who are beginning to suspect that they themselves are animals.

Slylock Fox, 4/22/18

“None of those ingredients are real! Plus, eternal existence would eventually become a curse! Without the rise and fall of generations, society would be sapped of its vitality! Without death, there can’t be any true life! Please listen, you’ve got to believe me!”

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Slylock Fox, 4/16/18

It’s extremely sad to me that Count Weirdly is so constantly persecuted by the Animal authorities because of his eccentricities and (let’s not mince words) species. He’s always coming up with amazing inventions like a functional bipedal robot that’s capable of feeling real affection, but because he’s cut off from traditional funding avenues, the only way he can raise capital to manufacture and market his creations is to market his own reality video content. These shows, which are as popular post-animalpocalypse as they were before, have certain narrative conventions. And so, yes, Weirdly had to structure a narrative arc where he appears to develop and construct Mortty within a single half-hour episode. Was this, strictly speaking, true? No, but isn’t the robot itself achievement enough? Doesn’t everyone assume that so-called “reality” shows are highly edited? Why won’t Slylock leave this innovator alone?

Spider-Man, 4/16/18

Hey, remember when we first came upon Dr. Connors, way back at the beginning of this storyline? He was sneaking out of his janky-ass lab, which he presumably owed a lot of back rent on, and was throwing all his scientific equipment into back of his minivan so he could decamp to his even jankier-ass lab out in the middle of a swamp. I’m not really sure “world’s top scientist” meets the standards of journalistic accuracy we’ve come to expect from the Bugle, is what I’m trying to say.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/16/18

Hey, Darrin and Pete, why not try looking excited or eager about your new gig? Maybe put some effort into arranging your facial expressions so that you look like you’re feeling something other than creeping existential dread! Because honestly, if you go into this endeavor convinced it’s going to fail, it’s going to be less fun for me when it inevitably does.

Mary Worth, 4/16/18

I believe it was George Orwell who once said, “If you want a picture of the future, imagine a panel of Wilbur in the shower at least once a week — forever.”