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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/18/17

OK, I know we’re in a new era of Rex Morgan, M.D., but I refuse to believe this guy is the Morgans’ lawyer. Refuse, do you hear me? Rex doesn’t hire some schlubby bald guy with a walrus mustache who wears earth-tone polo shirts, keeps his eyeglasses on his forehead, and talks into a cheap bluetooth headset while slurping down his coffee, probably in some dumpy suburban business park somewhere. Rex would hire a high-powered guy in a suit, possibly the mob lawyer who helped solve Kelly’s bullying problem, and Rex would pay however much it took to destroy the biological grandparents of the little kid he barely even wants to adopt, just on principle.

Slylock Fox, 12/18/17

Man, these birds are wearing shoes and pants and have a layered top situation and their wings now end in fingers, complete with a prehensile thumb, so I’m pretty sure the cardinal can WALK now, Slylock, Jesus

Dennis the Menace, 12/18/17

“And stop trying to be mine! Girl, there’s nothing that’ll make you pretty like self-respect.”

Mary Worth, 12/18/17

Wilbur

Wilbur, buddy

This is not a line of questioning you want to pursue

Trust me on this

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Spider-Man, 12/11/17

Oh, hey, remember how MJ was on the verge of being falling victim to the various reptiles that live in the Everglades? The normal ones, not people turned into lizards because they’re trying to grow their arms back or whatever. Anyway, she’s been rescued by … this rugged khaki-clad outdoorsman! Once again my extreme disinterest in Marvel comics leaves me blissfully unaware of who this guy is, which makes it fun for me to speculate. Is he a new character created for this Newspaper Spider-Man storyline? Or is he one of Marvel’s deep bench of third-tier superheroes and/or villains, with a name like … Swamp Fellow, or Reptile Fighter, or the Vigilante Park Ranger, or Our Lawyers Assure Us He Doesn’t Infringe Upon Steve Irwin’s Life Rights Man? Whatever the case, he’s sure to get his own Marvel Cinematic Universe movie or at least a Netflix series by 2021!

Slylock Fox, 12/11/17

“…and you, Shady, are using latex paint!” Slylock proclaimed. “Anyone who knows basic chemistry would know you were the culprit! I arrest you in the name of forest environmental law!” The detective was so busy feeling smug that he barely noticed the frog collapse quietly in the the grass, the rubber paint having thoroughly coated his permeable, breathing skin.

Six Chix, 12/11/17

I have to give a shout-out to Six Chix for simultaneously and largely successfully going two different directions with this joke: imagining the “rat race” in terms of adorable rats with tiny medals and little tank tops, and painting us a picture of a surging, seething mass of rodents, just a nightmarish rat flood that cannot be stopped or escaped.

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Slylock Fox, 11/22/17

Ha ha, you simpletons, did you think those lovable pigs just munched on apple cores and such? No, they’ll eat anything that can get their suddenly dextrous hands on, and now that they’ve somehow learned to use tools, that can mean a delicious roast chicken right off your table … or you. You with a noose around your neck, dragged out the window, to be devoured alive by a trio of grinning, squealing, bug-eyed pigs. We joke about the Slylockverse animalpocalypse around here, but it must’ve been more horrible than any of us could possibly imagine.

Pluggers, 11/22/17

Man, can I say that I specifically tune into Pluggers for a complete and total absence of anything that might be an even vaguely topical political reference? Anyway, grandpa’s going to prison for treason, I guess.

Family Circus, 11/22/17

A scene from the upcoming Lifetime movie, Please Mommy Don’t Kill Again