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Curtis, 7/8/18

On hot summer days long, long ago, Grandma Lumpy would drop a carload of us kids off at a city pool pretty much like this one for an afternoon of swimming and horseplay. I don’t know if parents still do that; I hope so — I’m sure they could use a break from Kids Today, and kids can learn a lot from being lightly supervised among strangers.

What Curtis learns from these outings is:

Judge Parker, 7/8/18

By the time you need Sam’s help, it’s waaay too late — unless you need help constructing an elaborate crazy person conspiracy board. Unfortunately, there’s not enough yarn in Cavelton to connect the dots strewn across this strip. But the broad outlines are clear.

We have reached the final Carnage of the Clans, in which the Parker and Spencer dynasties — having defeated all lesser rivals — face off in battle. The Parkers, blackmailed into alliance with Norton and April, ally with CIA renegades to pick off Spencer fellow-travelers like Godiva, one by one. The Spencers consolidate their far-flung resources, and work with the legit CIA through local liaison Jim Yelich to frame and shame the Parker alliance. It ends in the smoking ruins of Spencer Farms as Abbey and Katherine — bloodied and screeching — claw one another for possession of some meaningless trinket.

In his distant lair, Rocky bides his time.

Slylock Fox (panel), 7/8/18

No, the call is coming from inside the theater, during the movie! Kill him, Slylock — kill him dead!

— Uncle Lumpy

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So ends the Comics Curmudgeon Summer 2018 Fundraiser. Thank you, generous readers!

Mark Trail, 7/7/18

“Hello, boys and girls, and welcome to World of Animals. I’m your host Terrapene carolina yucatana; call me Carl. Looks like Mark and Rusty will be tied up for a while, so let’s take this time to explore Nature Facts from the wonderful World of Animals!”

Mutts, 7/7/18

“Did you know that a possum will eat a waffle if one is available? I mean, they’re marsupials, but they’re not stupid!“

Pluggers, 7/7/18

“Did you know that, like turtles, many birds have excellent color vision? It’s true! In the 1950’s scientist George Wald isolated the visual pigment iodopsin by surgically removing the eyes from thousands of chicken heads obtained from a Massachusetts slaughterh … what? Oh, sorry.”

“All right then, kids, let’s check in with everybody’s Favorite Furry Fascist, Slylock Fox!”

Slylock Fox, 7/7/18

“Wait a minute, something’s wrong here. Skateboarding is strictly prohibited on public sidewalks, for the protection of slower-moving species! And I don’t see a tax stamp on those sugary drinks! Finally, are those plastic straws? These skaters belong in jail, and I’d say a certain mammal isn’t doing his job!”

Sherman’s Lagoon, 7/7/18

“Now it’s time for our special segment, Animals and Technology. Bandwidth capacity is increasing without limit, so unless something is done quickly the entire Internet will soon fill up completely with cats! Do your part to avert catastrophe, by viewing adorable turtle videos instead. Thank you!”

Red and Rover, 7/7/18

“Well, that’s all we have time for today. Tune in again next time, and thank you for being kind to animals!”

— Turtle Carl, for Uncle Lumpy

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Slylock Fox, 6/11/18

Today’s Slylock has what strikes me as a pretty big disconnect between the text and the art. The narrative we’re presented with asks us to believe that it’s Max who was lagging behind, and Slylock who has to still forge ahead to complete their mission. But check out what they actually look like: Max dynamically striding forward into adventure, looking over his shoulder at his companion, who’s desperately clinging to the broken bridge with a look of panic on his face. It’s almost as if these tales aren’t being written by their true hero, isn’t it? Anyway, here’s hoping Max crumples that map into a ball, tosses it into the ravine while Slylock watches, and heads off into the jungle, never looking back.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/11/18

While I admit it isn’t for everyone, I really enjoyed the Darren Aronofsky Noah from a few years back (my pocket review is that the it’s the only big-budget biblical epic I’ve seen that has the nerve to get as crazy as the actual bible). One of the key themes of the movie is that for most of the story Noah believes that God plans to kill off all of mankind for its sins; Noah and his family are merely to shepherd the animal species through the Flood, and then once they die of old age, the human race will be justly wiped out. It’s only when he discovers that his daughter-in-law is pregnant that he has to recalibrate his thinking; but what today’s Barney Google and Snuffy Smith asks us to imagine is a word where the Flood is meant as a final and complete act of extermination, not just for man but for the beasts as well. Parson Tuttle is, as usual, wrong: There is an ark, and these creatures are calmly walking one by one into it, each to bear witnes for his or her kind at the complete elimination of all their fellows. All will live out the rest of their lives in contemplation, and eventually perish, leaving the earth cleansed of the filth that is biological life.

Mary Worth, 6/11/18

Hey, remember when Tommy used to date one his co-workers, but then he hurt himself and missed a few days of work, and when he came back she dumped him and he became a Vicodin addict? Then he eventually got fired, which solved the problem of having to work with an ex, but caused more problems in terms of not having a job and spiraling downward into addiction and so forth. But good news! Now he has a job, and there’s a girl at this job that Tommy clearly intends to make his own! His life’s all set, until the dangerous combination of a back injury and a breakup inevitably befalls him again.

Spider-Man, 6/11/18

It’s funny because Iron Fist has immediately taken Spidey’s measure and deemed him not even worth punching with his titular iron fist, and instead has chosen to kick him with what I assume is a regular, non-metallic foot, which appears to be clad in a ballet slipper of some kind.