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Spider-Man, 8/6/17

Tyrannus is an ageless immortal deposed Roman emperor born in the 5th century A.D., but I’m not sure what aesthetic he and Kala are going for here. Especially Kala, honestly. Tyrannus looks like he’s doing something barely a step above “generic off-brand superhero costume from Party City,” which is fine, but Kala is … a giant bee? A fake “Latin” nightclub act from the 1930s, performed by a white lady from the midwest? A fake “Latin” nightclub act from the 1930s, performed by a white lady from the midwest, and the nightclub act is bee-themed? At any rate, I fully endorse Newspaper Spider-Man continuing its trend of spending all its energy on the domestic lives of its super-powered characters.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 8/6/17

In their native riparian habitat, the Beavers are master architects, building secure lodges to live in and elaborate water-control structures to create an environment that suits them. But post-animalpocalypse, the new ruling class has dictated that all newly sapient beasts must move to the human cities and imitate their near-extinct predecessors’ lifestyle. Completely out of their element, the Beavers are reduced to smearing layers of hideous green paint uniformly over the walls of their newly assigned apartment. You can tell from the expressions on their faces how unhappy they are.

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Slylock Fox, 7/31/17

This isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with this particular brainteaser, but in the ensuing decade my patience for its many improbabilities has significantly thinned. Back then I was more worried about Slylock having to rassle an octopus to get those car tires; today, I’m just here to LOUDLY SCOFF at the thought that there’s five minutes worth of air in those tires, or that Sly is going to be able to rig up some system for releasing said air into Max’s diving bell. The best move here is for him to tell Max that he’ll be back “in just a little bit” with help, safe in the knowledge that slow suffocation is no doubt among the less painful ways to die. It’ll just be like falling asleep, probably! And there are plenty more mice down at the pet store and mouse-sized shorts-and-hat sets down at the post-animalpocalypse version of the Gap.

Mark Trail, 7/31/17

“I need to do a little check on my gear before I head out!” [pulls out loaded shotgun in small, enclosed space and puts finger on the trigger] “Yep, I sure feel like a big man doing this, so it’s probably working! Better do a few more tests first, though.” [spins around wildly, making sure to point barrel in the face of everyone in the cabin]

Spider-Man, 7/31/17

BREAKING: AREA MAN BELIEVES FEMALE RELATIVE HAS RIGHT TO SEXUAL AUTONOMY AND DESERVES ALL THE DATA SHE NEEDS TO MAKE INFORMED DECISIONS ABOUT HER ROMANTIC LIFE, PROBABLY THINKS THIS MAKES HIM SOME KIND OF BIG HERO

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Spider-Man, 7/22/17

Ah, Newspaper Spider-Man, always striving to be “hip” and “with it” but always falling just a bit behind! I’m sure over at Newspaper Spider-Man HQ it feels very of the moment to have MJ’s studio publicist svengali barking about a major blogger waiting, but since I’m a major blogger myself, let me assure you that blogging is pretty much over, and has been since about 2011. The new hotness is “influencers,” which is a code word for social media stars with 500,000 Instagram followers or 4,000,000 pageviews on each and every one of their YouTube makeup tutorials or whatever. Newspaper reporting has been over and done with for a lot longer than blogging, obviously, so a more accurate scene would just be this publicist talking about how he’s got three influencers waiting, and since they’re all millennials (or, what’s the thing after millennials? Gen-Z? UGH) their attention spans are notoriously short.

Dennis the Menace, 7/22/17

I love the knowing smiles that Henry and Alice are flashing here. I’m not sure what secret they’re sharing — that Henry is a terrible liar? that in the white-collar professional world, business and pleasure mingle on the golf course, helping consolidate the wealth of the upper class? that this “business trip” is an opportunity for them both to rendezvous with their secondary partners before reuniting and reaffirming their loving bond within the a context of consensual polyamory? — but whatever it is, it holds menace in the sense that it means that the world isn’t as simple as Dennis believes.

Slylock Fox, 7/22/17

Hey, kids! Remember Grimace, the beloved character from the McDonaldland commercials? Well, he’s dead now. He got bit by a snake and he died.