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Apartment 3-G, 9/1/14 (panel)

They’re going to either burst into a Rocky Ledge duet or dash for the bedroom, and I don’t know which would be worse.

Slylock Fox, 9/1/14

I’m always fascinated by Weirdly’s gadgets, minor taxonomy-related errors aside. But I was transfixed by Slylock’s scuba outfit, encasing his luxuriant red tail in yards of pillowy blue neoprene. At first it looked like a clever canid-specific buoyancy compensator, maintaining both depth and balance — probably fart-powered to conserve breathing air and protect the delicate reef ecology. Then I saw Max’s predicament, and realized that Sly’s tailsheath is essential defense against the carnivorous goldfish, which consumes its victim tail-first, inch by inch, until after long months of agony the nose disappears into its toothy maw like the final cherry of an after-dinner flambé. Red in tooth and claw, folks — dive safe, and keep those tails covered!

Mary Worth, 9/1/14

Mary is driven insane about the way l’affaire Kaphut was resolved without her interference so no credit is coming her way and she had to go crawling to that smug punk son of her jellyfish boyfriend just to find out what the hell happened. Like she’s no better than some damn nurse! In her rage she lets her defenses slip and reverts to the hair, posture, expression, and sing-songy speech cadences of an Evil Queen in a Disney movie (probably Ursula from The Little Mermaid, but maybe Cruella from 101 Dalmations, your choice):

♫ “You seeeeeeeeem to have very ACurate gutinnnnnnnnstincts (cackle cackle cackle)!” ♫
♫ “You KNOW what was reeeeeecently reVEALED about himmmmmmm? hmmmmmmm? (cackle shriek cackle, whiff of sulfur, bright flash)”

Van Horn Texas — home to Jeff Bezos’ Blue Image spaceport and the 10,000-year clock buried in the surrounding hills. Come for the diesel-fried chicken and donkey-ropin’; leave for Tucson in the morning. Send burrito money, folks — he’s a long, long way from home and a burrito could be a good friend right now.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Slylock Fox, 8/11/14

One of the many questions I have about the post-animapocalypse world of Slylock Fox involves biodiversity: have the newly sapient animals remained restricted to their original ranges, or, like the early members of genus Homo, are they using their smarts to conquer new environments? Today we learn that Australia, at least, is still largely the domain of its unique native fauna, who have in their brief period of ascendency already established an iron-clad hierarchy: the marsupials wear fancy clothes and sell expensive baubles to each other, while the monotremes live on the margins of society and are forced to steal to survive. Unfortunately, the marsupials aren’t equipped to maintain the oppressive social structure they’ve created and have been forced to call in placental mammals from outside to help. If human history is any guide, this is a terrible, terrible mistake.

Judge Parker, 8/11/14

Haha, looks like we’ve reached the real talk phase of Gloria’s exit interview! Anyway, everybody in Judge Parker is doing no work and getting paid for it and now people are getting grumpy about it for some reason.

Dennis the Menace, 8/11/14

I think this is the most I’ve ever seen Mr. Wilson enjoying himself! He’s just going to town on some snacks and then he’s going to pass out on the couch covered in crumbs. Dennis is being a total scold about it, which I deem to be unusually unpleasantly menacing.

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 8/3/14

I’m actually, genuinely sad that Slylock’s usual soulless ratiocination didn’t end up benefitting Slick Smitty this time around. “Sorry, everyone, you paid to see the singing clam, and it’s logically impossible to prove a negative, so we can’t rule out the possibility that you saw a singing clam while it happened to not be singing. Welp, off to solve more crimes!” How do you think Slylock “convinced” Slick Smitty refund all the money? Was it via biting? Was there biting involved?

Panel from Heathcliff, 8/3/14

Guys, I don’t think I really cover Heathcliff’s “Kitty Korner” often enough on this blog. There’s some real drama that goes down in these supposedly adorable cat anecdotes. Real drama. Girl, your boyfriend is no good and your cat knows it, is what I’m trying to say.

Panel from Dennis the Menace, 8/3/14

HAHA THE LADIES THEY KEEP SCREWING UP THE JOB THEIR GENDER ASSIGNED TO THEM AMIRGHT FELLAS BUT WHAT’RE YA GONNA DO IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’RE GOING TO COOK OR ANYTHING