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Gil Thorp, 3/10/14

Uggg, you guys, Gil Thorp has been so boring this basketball season. One of the Lady Mudlarks used to be a dancer, and there are videos of her dancing on YouTube, including one where she has an unspecified “wardrobe malfunction,” and people are gross to her about it, and that’s it! And that description, I realize now, makes it sound a million times more interesting than it’s been in practice. I mean, this is an Actual Serious Issue facing Kids Today, but it’s been so weirdly linear and repetitive, and so focused on dancer girl’s brother’s attempt to protect her and/or her sexual purity, that I can’t be bothered to take much of an interest. At last, though, we’ve reached the point in the season where the Coaches Thorp have to make a half-assed attempt to solve their kids’ problems, so they’re going to … force everybody to upload embarrassing/sexually explicit videos to YouTube? Sure, why the hell not, nothing could possibly go wrong with that plan vis-à-vis high schoolers’ fragile egos and a series of lawsuits against the Milford school district.

Apartment 3-G, 3/10/14

This “oops, Tommie’s brand-new fiancé is dead” plot is pretty rushed and underbaked, without much for us to get interested in, and Margo is treating it with exactly the amount of emotional investment that it deserves.

Mary Worth, 3/10/14

“I’d invite you in, but Tommy may be asleep. And when I bring paramours back to the apartment for loud, kinky sex, I want him awake to hear it! It’s the only thing that will motivate him to get a job so he can earn enough to get his own place.”

Slylock Fox, 3/10/14

How would you describe the relationship between Max and Slylock? I’d say Max is Sly’s “assistant” or “long-suffering sidekick” or … wait, what? “[Max’s] hero, Slylock Fox”? Oh, man. Oh, that’s … man. Is he even getting paid for all this?

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 2/23/14

Rachel Rabbit’s attempt to “make it rain” for Slylock has failed, as the chaste fox refuses to remove so much as a single glove, and haughtily returns her offering instead.

Momma, 2/23/14

Momma has decided to stop pretending her younger son isn’t a moron for purposes of motivation or kindness or anything else, really.

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Gasoline Alley, 2/18/14

Oh, hey, Gasoline Alley! I haven’t been bothering you to keep you up with Gasoline Alley, so here’s the deal: the government agents called in to try to figure out how Walt could possibly still be alive were followed by a newspaper reporter, for whom Walt spun a fanciful tale of having discovered the Fountain of Youth in an Egyptian tomb, though given his current state of decrepitude it would’ve been more realistic if he had claimed to have found the Fountain of Eternal Life That Keeps Your Aged And Increasingly Frail Body Alive Beyond Its Natural End Point. Anyway, once word got out people, reacted pretty much as I explained they would when Six Chix did a Fountain of Youth joke, only the canny Walt is using the opportunity to personally profit from others’ gullibility. Should be all fun and games, until the angry mob tears him to bits!

Six Chix, 2/18/14

Speaking of Six Chix, today’s Six Chix has an important lesson for us: that no matter how hard life gets, we should marshall our resources and just hang on and endure and wait for the one thing in life that we want more than anything in the world, which will probably kill us.

Dick Tracy, 2/18/14

Speaking of things I haven’t been bothering to keep you up with, Dick Tracy exists! I’m going to continue to not bother to keep you up on the plot, but I do want to point out that this lady with the off-the-shoulder sweater has been in the strip repeatedly for weeks and this is the first we’ve seen that she goes around barefoot in tattered jeans all the time. Is this what Dick Tracy thinks a hippie looks like? Probably! Anyway, “You see, as Mother Earth’s creation, I must touch her” is a good thing to say to someone if you don’t want them talking to you ever again.

Slylock Fox, 2/18/14

As you all should know, I’m very interested in the moment when the Slylockverse was born, when the animals rose up and overthrew the humans who had reigned over them for far too long. We often catch glimpses of this in the Six Differences strips, though today’s isn’t particularly subtle: a bear, probably a juvenile by the size of him but still plenty big and strong, has burst through the front window of this suburban home, and is about to just start up and mauling some people.