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Mary Worth, 6/5/10

Mary Worth is always just throwing quotation marks around sentences and pretending they’re chunks of profound wisdom, but in this case, that’s a real quote from five-time NBA MVP Bill Russell, at least according to a citationless collection of Bill Russell quotes on the Internet. The question is, why did Mary fail to credit the Celtics great for his deep thoughts on love and loving? Is she afraid that the good doctor isn’t a basketball fan and will think less of her because she follows such frivolous things as professional sports? Does she fear that her familiarity with a professional athlete active in the ’50s and ’60s will mark her out as elderly in the eyes of this young whippersnapper that she’s trying to bed? Or does she just obsessively read books of quotations, committing the quotes to memory but not the quotees?

Dr. Roberts’ own thought balloon is a little ominous. “Hmm, this woman, with her preternatural grasp of human nature, seems to have determined rather quickly that I’m a sociopath incapable of feeling anything for my fellow human beings! She wasn’t on my list of people to hunt and kill for sport, but I guess I’ll have to add her.”

Spider-Man, 6/5/10

“I’m turning off the light so you can’t see the copious weeping that will inevitably arise from my many, many pointless insecurities about our relationship!”

Oh, hey, and it looks like it’s a full-on Rusty-horror weekend!

Panel from Mark Trail, 6/5/10

AHHH AHHH HIS EYES ARE INFINITE BLACK POOLS OF GRIEF AND PAIN

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Apartment 3-G, 6/3/10

I’m assuming that Martin and Gabriella are sneaking into 3-G to find and dispose of Roberta’s Chekovian gun, but wouldn’t it be great if Martin has lost all of his money in the recession and the two have been forced to launch a spree of actual breaking and entry? They start with Margo’s apartment — that’s a gimmie, since she gave them a key and all — and then they’ll work their way up to homes where they actually have to break the locks, bickering comically all the while!

Spider-Man, 6/3/10

Some time ago I berated the newspaper Spider-Man strip for just giving up and embracing camp. Now I long for the days when at least I’d have campiness to entertain me. This most recent plot development, in which Sabretooth and Wolverine battle each other endlessly until simultaneously passing out from exhaustion, while Spidey scratches his head like a moron and cracks wise, is some sub-Three Stooges shit.

B.C., 6/3/10

Hey, remember three days ago, when B.C. made a joke with exactly this structure? It was 10 years out of date, but at least you knew what the hell it was supposed to be about. With this one, I’m not sure if we’re supposed to understand that capitalism is a dagger thrust through the heart of humanity, or if it harnesses the opposed forces of love and hate to work together, or what, exactly. I do know, from looking at the two strips next to each other, that no art has been reused; the two identical-looking scenes have been completely redrawn. You have to admire the dedication that shows, I suppose, but I can’t say that the baffling jokes merit the extra work.

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Spider-Man, 5/24/10

The final deadly confrontation between Spider-Man and Sabretooth that we’ve all been waiting for has at last arrived — only to be derailed by the appearance of Wolverine. Since Sabretooth was only harassing the web-slinger to find his brother, I assume that Spidey and Mary Jane can now quietly leave the theater and let this family spat work itself out. Whew, another opportunity for superheroics thankfully avoided!

Note that Wolverine learned a little about living the good life from his earlier encounter with Spider-Man: his villainous brother was apparently unable to track him down because he’s been spending his time in his apartment, watching television. I am impressed that he’s no longer sneaking into the back of trucks and instead is flying commercial when he needs to travel long distances.

Slylock Fox, 5/24/10

I’m not sure if we’ve ever seen Dumpy Dog before, and thus the strip doesn’t trust us to automatically assume he’s guilty, even though he displays the poor posture and grooming endemic to the Slylock Fox rogues gallery. “Look, we’ve already done the legwork on this one, OK?” the strip is essentially telling us. “Just count the damn spiders.” I guess this is how Max feels, all the time?

Archie, 5/24/10

Archie’s dad remembers a day when youth were afire with literary passions! They stayed up late at fashionable salons, smoking and drinking wine and arguing the merits of the latest Booker Prize winner until the wee hours. They really believed that prose could change the world, and thus it’s terribly depressing to him that the next generation sees in printed matter only utility. There is a cold majesty to the practical advice in the books Archie reads, but the magic that once animated his father’s days is long gone.

Family Circus, 5/24/10

Speaking of the death of enchantment, the Keane Kids are so crushed by omnipresent corporate culture that their very souls are stunted. The transformation of a caterpillar into a butterfly, once a source of such wonder to so many generations of children, has in their minds been reduced to an act no more interesting than the elevation of a group coordinator to an assistant regional manager. One imagines the chrysalis bursting open and the butterfly shaking its wings free, only to settle into a cubicle just slightly larger than the one it left, under the glow of the same harsh fluorescent lighting, wondering if this was really worth all the striving.

Jumble, 5/24/10

Now here’s a kid who hasn’t lost his belief in magic. “Remember, if you see your presents before your birthday, they’ll vanish into the ether! And mommy will know you’ve been naughty, and will kill you with her mind.”