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Fall Fundraiser update: What would Margo do? Faithful reader Plastic Fruit says, “I think she’d buy herself a little something!” So that’s just what she did! Do you like huge boxes from Tiffany’s? Unlock the power of Margo in your life with a generous contribution to the Comics Curmudgeon!

Mary Worth, 9/25/09

Oh, no! Scott is shot! And it looks like at least two of those rounds came from behind, from sympathetic fellow officers who saw Adrian’s picture and knew what had to be done.

Spider-Man, 9/25/09

Apparently when it comes to splatterin’ spiders, Bigshot is a less effective villain than Garfield. Pack it in, fella.

Mark Trail, 9/25/09

Oh, don’t worry about Rusty, Mark. He doesn’t need to outrun the gator — he just needs to outrun Sassy.

Dick Tracy, 9/25/09

OK, you three. Will somebody for the luvva Pete please just shut up and eat somebody? Please?

Margo Moments — a Fall Fundraiser special, part 6

Apartment 3-G (panels) — 2/4, 2/5, 2/10, 2/27, 3/16, 4/15, 5/29, 6/23, 7/23/2008

Facts are facts, faithful reader: you have to get that — it could be Margo! Contribute to The Comics Curmudgeon, slip your exclusive glow-in-the-dark Margo bracelet on your wrist, say goodbye to humility and altruism, and live in the world of “Me, me, me!” forever! It’s what Margo would do — why accept anything less?

— Uncle Lumpy

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Slylock Fox, 9/14/09

Longtime readers of Slylock Fox have long wondered at the nature of the judiciary in this realm of bipedal sentient animals. While this locality is equipped with a serviceable mostly-canine police force, there seems to be little regard for the constitutional rights of men or beasts, and Slylock Fox himself, while not obviously affiliated with the law enforcement apparatus in any institutional way, is permitted to imprison and convict suspects merely on the strength his own flimsy deductions. Today, we learn the truth: all the action in this strip takes place in some kind of despotic absolute monarchy, ruled over by Princess Pussycat’s iron fist, with Slylock as her chief and unquestioning Inquisitor, the Darth Vader to her Emperor Palpatine. Moreover, though the Princess is called “pussycat,” her fur/skin is a bright red not seen on any natural feline, leading me to the conclusion that she is an actual hell-demon, controlling her subjects with her devilish supernatural powers; she’s probably the one responsible for transforming them into terrible hybrid beast-men in the first place.

Today’s transgressor against Her Satanic Majesty is wearing the all-black uniform and sunglasses that indicate that he was actually a member of her feared secret police. Perhaps the temptation of selling her devil-gold was too much, or perhaps he finally had had enough and was planning to strike a blow against his evil overlord by disposing of one of her symbols of power. Either way, in short order Princess Pussycat’s palace attendant is going to demonstrate that the enormous axe he carries as part of his uniform is not ceremonial. Still, you have to admire Rodney’s chutzpah; even in the face of summary execution, he’s still offering a jaunty double thumbs-up and a Fonzie-style “Aaaayyyy.”

Funky Winkerbean, 9/14/09

Hold up, what … what is the deal with dude’s thighs in panel three? They’re all lumpy and misshapen, and not in proportion to the rest of him. It’s like he’s hiding a couple of hams in his pants, for the winter.

Oh, and also, people opposed to cancer and death played as spectacle are pin-headed philistines. Pin-headed philistines with weirdly misshapen thighs.

Spider-Man, 9/14/09

Today’s strip offers another entertaining moment in Spidey-Dimness, as Peter Parker reveals his total unfamiliarity with the concept of metaphors. “MJ, this is no time for confusing talk about meteorology! I’m busy whining about my constant failure!”

Shoe, 9/14/09

Once again Shoe’s patented Goggle-Eyed Reaction Shot Of Soul-Scraping Horror is right on target, as our mechanic instantly notices that, once the Perfesser’s inevitable slide into poverty reaches the point of homelessness, he’s planning on living in his car by himself. Where will his young ward Skyler be in this scenario? Presumably he’ll have long since been delivered to the Shoe-world’s equivalent of an orphanage, which, since everyone there is a bird, is probably an agro-industrial facility that processes low-grade poultry into soup stock.

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Spider-Man, 9/11/09

Just how spectacularly irritating is Spider-Man? Consider this. Over the past few days, Spidey’s been trying to come up with some vaguely plausible story that would explain why Mary Jane barged in on the sexy three-way he and Wolverine had going with Doc Ock but not reveal the shocking truth: that Spider-Man was some schlubby reporter nobody cared about. Since Spidey is not what you’d call “quick-witted,” or even “posted-speed-limit-witted,” the only thing he could think of was to suggest that MJ had actually burst onto the scene because she was following Wolverine. Wolverine is also not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you could at least see the gears beginning to turn, which promised some kind of tedious, irritating love triangle, which is the exactly the sort of thing that I bitch about in Spider-Man all the time.

And yet I found myself being actively disappointed in today’s strip, in which our studly mutant sweeps aside all thoughts of any such plot points with a meaty paw and barges his way out of the newspaper Spider-Man strip, presumably forever. This is not because I’m secretly a fan of superpowered romantic intrigue; rather, I’m a fan of the basic constraints of traditional narrative, which, postmodernism be damned, are there for a reason. The only thing worse than unlikeable characters beginning the machinations of an unbearably lame plot are unlikeable characters beginning the machinations of an unbearably lame plot before deciding not to proceed with said plot, because eh, why bother. And yet that very failure in storytelling is newspaper Spider-Man’s major contribution to the world of literature. At least this plotting feint lasted a whole three days; the legendary “intercom fake-out” incident got it done in two.

Luann, 9/11/09

And with that single word, Mrs. DeGroot has provided the most sensible idea anyone has had in the entire 5+ years of the Brad-Toni arc. So can it be over now, please?

SPECIAL JOSH ABUSE OPPORTUNITY! Hey Baltimore-area kids! Would you like to hurl balls at a target and cause me to drop into a large bucket of water? You can, this coming Sunday, September 13, between (UPDATED) 3:30 and 4 pm, at the Abell Avenue Street Fair! The fair is on Abell Avenue (duh) and proceeds from my dunking will benefit our community association. There will be many other fun activities, though obviously my ritual humiliation will be the highlight. (Note that I had originally said I’d be there from 12 to 1, but have just been disabused of that notion.)