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Herb and Jamaal, 9/16/08

Well hello there, Random Mustachioed Dude Who We’ve Never Once Seen Before In This Feature! The title characters are on a break from their usual hilariously nonspecific antics (Jamaal was available for his contractually obliged appearance in the second panel), so why not just wander in and thought balloon folksily about something or other? That sounds like good cartooning right there!

It’s possible that RMDWWNOSBITF is setting up some no-doubt fascinating story about adoption or something that is really dying to be told in this feature; such a narrative would obviously require a new character as a protagonist, since no one would want to disrupt the lives of the existing Herb and Jamaal crew, who operate like a well-oiled machine of hilarity. On the other hand, if this fellow is just going to show up one day, muse silently about this strange journey we call life, then wander off, never to be seen again, I will have gained a certain respect for this comic.

Mother Goose and Grimm and Monty, 9/16/08

Monty (a strip that I never talk about here, but for which I harbor a certain affection) and Mother Goose and Grimm have both decided to launch into a series of painfully unfunny Sopranos jokes this week. And, really, why not. It’s the 1.25th anniversary of the show going off the air this month, so it’s more topical now than ever.

Spider-Man, 9/16/08

This strip, with its endless television-watching, whining, flu infections, and wholly accidental plot resolutions, can sometimes be a little too intense for newspaper readers. That’s why it’s important for Spidey to take a break every couple of weeks or so and just recap the plot for nobody in particular. Whew, I feel calmer already!

Apartment 3-G, 9/16/08

Damn you, Alan, I’ve sat idly by long enough while you spiraled downward into dope-fueled madness. Today, though, you crossed the line. Why do you denigrate booze? What did sweet, sweet liquor ever do to you? Getting drunk is a lot more than “better than nothing,” OK? It’s how humans have been altering their consciousness long before you and your fancy narcotics came along. Hey, don’t you just drop the thought of getting drunk on the job because you think there might be drugs somewhere around there! Are you listening to me? Oh my God, he’s a monster!

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I’m sure you are all more than used to the shameless self-promotion on COTW night, but this is even more shameless than usual! And yet I think you will be pleased to hear it. Because today (well, Friday evening, but I missed it because I went away for the weekend) you can at long last purchase the Spider-Man 2 Rifftrax to which I contributed! It is a mere $2.99, features my voice and jokes, along with the voices and jokes of MST3K alums Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, and is very funny. What more do you need, another look at the fine poster art? Well, that’s done easily enough:

Now go forth and purchase, and enjoy!

(If you were away last week and are greeting this with a big fat “Huh?”, here’s the explanation.)

And speaking of promotion … you may have noticed that Gil Thorp’s huge, polyhedronical head was even larger and more terrifying than usual today:

That’s because the strip is 50 years old today! Now, since I’ve become a semi-famous blogger in the fairly small world of newspaper comics, I’ve started to receive all sorts of emails from publicists that basically boil down to “Sure, your blog is a for-profit enterprise that sells ad space, but don’t you want to help us advertise our products for free?” These almost always get deleted. And yet, when I got a Gil Thorp 50th anniversary email this morning, I did not consign it to the trash folder with the glee that I did the endless bubbling press releases I received about the Blondie 75th anniversary wank-a-thon. Do I not, after all, have a certain vested interest in the bizarre, anachronistic soap opera strips remaining solvent, against all odds?

So, here they are, fresh from Gil Thorp’s publicist to your eyes: a press release on Gil’s 50th, a somewhat hostile interview with Gil by Marty Moon on the milestone, and the really exciting one, information on the new Gil Thorp collection, Tales from the Bucket. There’s no Web site for the latter (note to Gil Thorp guys: for God’s sake, get a Web site, they’re practically free and everything) and it’s not available in stores, so to lay your hands on it, you’ll need to order it from Take Five Productions at take_five@comcast.net.

And now, with that shameless commercialism over, it’s time for the comment of the week.

“WARNING: Do not try the classic ‘got your nose’ trick with Toby. She will take it too seriously. ‘I can’t figure out how this happened! I’m not careless with my nose!'” –Joe Blevins

And the runners-up!

“Toby really needs to get to a mechanic to have herself checked out; she’s leaking robotic fluid from her cold, dead cybernetic eye.” –Joseph J. Finn

“Actually, that’s Susan Smith the childkiller. She’s been brought into the strip to give it a more uplifting tone.” –Comrade Denny

“I’m just glad Berna, as a healthworker of some vague disposition, takes health and safety seriously — if you’re going to go pinging on speed all day at work, be sure to wear a mouthguard.” –lesles

“That’s the scariest face I’ve ever seen Judy Dench make. ‘My thoughts exactly! I ALWAYS KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE THINKING.'” –Hasty Penguin

“I’ve been to college, and now, as an expert on What People Who Do Drugs Can Look Like, I declare Alan disqualified, unless the drug that he’s doing is a prescription for his allergy to modern hairstyles.” –elyse

“I’m glad to see from the double 0s in front of Crankshaft’s bus number that he has been granted a license to kill.” –Renna Warren

“Nothing calms down a mother mountain lion with two cubs to protect faster than the rumble of several tons of granite boulders. Works every time.” –LITTLE A. OF THE GRAND CONCOURSE JUNGLE PATROL

“Haley is sure to make big money on the streets in her sexy, sexy Gap t-shirt.” –MsMolly

“I kind of covet Gloria’s outfit there — the retro tie-front blouse and formfitting sweater vest are very sexy secretary. I do not, however, covet Gloria’s botoxed forehead immobility, taupe lipstick, and blind faith in Sam’s skills as a detective.” –shegotzen

“The expression on Rex Morgan’s face after ‘I’m fond of your patootie’ doesn’t bother me so much as the angle the doctor assumes upon hearing it. He’s presenting like a baboon.” –Idols of Mud

“Rex Morgan, M.D.: MEANWHILE, OFF CAPE VERDE, A BUTTERFLY FLAPS ITS WINGS.” –minor flood

“Toby: ‘Oh noes! There was a charge on our card that got denied. We’ve been issued a new card and there is no extra charge or danger of any kind!’ Chinbeard: ‘Um … how did you get this number?'” –AmazingThor

“So Chinbeard is all jacked up over a speech on linguistics and pedagogy? Considering that he’s married to Toby, I guess his one true passion in life is being bored out of his skull.” –cheech wizard

And hey, big thanks go out to those who put a little cash in my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

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Spider-Man, 8/28/08

Ah, the Spider-Man newspaper strip at its best: Peter Parker bursts into Jonah’s office full of righteous anger, only to have it quickly devolve into panic that his wife is a better photographer than he is and worry that his boss will find out he caught a minor and easily communicable ailment from him. The thought balloon in panel two promises a particularly delicious downward self-esteem spiral on Peter’s part in the coming weeks.

Mark Trail, 8/28/08

Those rocks may be too heavy to be wedged out by long sticks, but they’re surely no match for MARK’S FISTS!

Mary Worth, 8/28/08

“I don’t get it! I never use my card, except when I buy things!”