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Dick Tracy, 8/27/15

Under the previous Dick Tracy creative team, every plot ended with the villain dispatched in some completely nightmarish and violent way. They were burned to death, blown up, torn to pieces by dogs, had their minds erased by their own diabolical machines, plummeted into a smokestack, fell to their death and had their still-fresh corpse run over by a bulldozer, and, in the final storyline before the strip was handed off to the new writer and artist, were eaten alive by rats while begging for help. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that today’s strip, in which two bad guys contemplate the mangled body of their boss, who they just accidentally shot with a massive pistol, and his guts are splattered everywhere, and one of them is on the verge of vomiting in mingled horror and disgust, is really just par for the course, historically speaking.

Mary Worth, 8/27/15

Fortunately, all the violence in today’s Mary Worth is emotional, as Ian and Toby finally both admit exactly what they think of each other (“parasitical dilettante” and “pompous boor”, respectively). I’m just glad to see that the two of them set down their mugs of steaming hot cocoa between panels one and two. They’re going to want both hands free for dramatic gesticulation over the course of this argument.

Spider-Man, 8/27/15

Meanwhile, Peter and Mary Jane’s cruise is being menaced by some sort of terrifying sea-dick.

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Beetle Bailey, 8/24/15

Way back in the early days of this blog, I did lots of jokes about Beetle and Sarge being secret lovers, then I got bored with it after a while and stopped, but hey, let’s check up on where these two crazy kids are at, now that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell has been repealed! Uh, it seems that Beetle has no interest in having any kind of actual relationship and just wants Sarge to come over to the barracks, for sex. Stop complaining and enjoy it, Sarge!

Blondie, 8/24/15

“Forgotten … overlooked … ignored … I also have a job … and that job involves cooking … maybe give me a break once in a while … for Christ’s sake … I mean you know how a stove works, right …”

Spider-Man, 8/24/15

Oh no! Peter Parker is going to have to go on a tropical vacation with his beautiful wife! All because he made a “joke” that no reasonable person would interpret as such!

Dennis the Menace, 8/24/15

This is one of the more menacing conversations with God I’ve seen lately. “Yeah, now we see each other as in a mirror dimly. When completeness comes, what is in part disappears. Till then, though, things down here are gonna get a little crazy.”

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Spider-Man, 8/23/15

I have no idea what the Sub-Mariner’s deal is but I sincerely hope that he has Super Irritating Couple Banter Detecting Sonar and that the “outrage” to which he refers is just the previous panels in this strip. If the total elimination of the land dwellers is the price to pay to end this intra-Parker faux jealousy gamesmanship, then so be it.

Judge Parker, 8/23/15

Remember, Speedy is the guy Neddy browbeat into selling her shipping containers below cost by accusing him of hating America. I’m sure “love” is exactly the emotion he feels for her.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/23/15

Cayla is trying to help Les remember his half-assed promise to take her to Paris! It’s not going to work.