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Gil Thorp, 12/10/09

People like to complain about Gil Thorp’s fractured narrative, with the action typically jumping to three different times and places over three panels. I admit that following along can sometimes be an expert-level skill, but I think it’s well worth the effort. How else could we get the triptych of awesome that we’re treated to today? In panel one, shadowy, faraway figures discuss the comeuppance Jamaar’s hubris has earned him, as we are encouraged to contemplate somebody’s capri pants and hindquarters; in panel two, we get the second glimpse this week of Gil radiating pure smugness at poor Goshen coach “Beardy” Fazio, as he offers a manly handshake that says “Ha ha, our best players are suspended or moping and we still kicked your ass”; and, finally, in panel three we can enjoy a glimpse of the boozy lead-in to Gil and Mimi and Coach Kaz and Kelly’s twice-monthly orgy, with the roaring fireplace set into the Thorp’s all-formstone wall setting the mood nicely.

Spider-Man, 12/10/09

You know, newspaper Spider-Man, the main pleasure I derive from reading you generally comes from cruelly deriding your inept storytelling; thus, when you decide to give up and fully embrace camp, as you seem to have done today, it kind of ruins it for me. At least I can snicker at the fact that your freakishly out-of-proportion stand-up vacuum cleaner appears to be roughly eight feet tall.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/10/09

The most interesting thing about today’s strip … no, not those, you cartoon-masturbating-to pervert, get your mind out of the gutter. Ahem. The other interesting thing about today’s strip is Rex’s silent, plaintive face in the background of panels one and two. It’s like he knows that this is June’s cousin so she’s in charge at the moment, but he’s still all “Hello! I have something dickish and self-righteous to say about this situation! Anyone want to hear it? Anyone?”

Dick Tracy, 12/10/09

“Step one: Buy a rare and expensive objet d’art! Step two: Wait for it to appreciate in value, which it will hopefully do more quickly than the equivalent amount of money would have if put into a more typical investment portfolio! Step three: Sell at a profit! It can’t fail! MU HA HA HA HA!”

The place where the Jumble should be, 12/10/09

This is the third day in the row on which the Jumble has failed to appear on the Houston Chronicle’s online comics page. What are they hiding from us? This is an outrage! NO JUMBLE NO PEACE!

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Jumble, 10/22/09

If you remember the first batch of WWMMD pictures, you knew that eventually I’d be put in chains at the behest of a corrupt justice system in the Jumble. You can see by my face that I’m shocked at this miscarriage of justice. How could I possibly be found guilty, when I know that I’m innocent? Does my snappy Fist O’ Justice shirt count for nothing? What monstrous jury pool would be capable of such cruelty? Faithful readers, while newspaper readers only got part of the story, I am authorized to share with you the entire courtroom scene:

I … I know I should have hired a lawyer with more courtroom experience. I’m pretty sure he was just doodling on his legal pads all through voir dire.

Blondie, 10/22/09

Here’s the thing, Blondie: If you don’t want to draw attention to your status as an ancient relic from another decade, it may be best not to build a strip around the fact that your main character usually struts about in an outfit that nobody in living memory has worn outside of the most formal situations, and you’ll particularly want avoid equipping him with another set of clothes that, despite his cheery statements to the contrary, would not make anyone in his probable 35-to-50 age range feel “young.” Nevertheless, I’m willing to give you a pass because chubby Dithers in a Nehru jacket is in fact pretty hilarious.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/22/09

So earlier this week, I noted that it would be an amusing improvement on the current RMMD storyline if Tim proved to be a sinister kidnapper. However, I’m even more pleased at the current plot direction into horrible social discomfort. Now that Peanuts is no longer being produced, there are very few places in the comics where you can see painful interpersonal awkwardness so deliciously drawn out until it makes you cringe. I look forward to the next several days’ worth of strips after this clumsy pass consisting mostly of silence — frosty in the passenger seat, humiliated on the driver’s side.

Apartment 3-G, 10/22/09

Speaking of awkwardness, this Apartment 3-G storyline is just getting better and better. Remember, the funniest Tommie storylines are the ones where she’s casually insulted!

Slylock Fox, 10/22/09

I’m assuming the parents in these Six Differences panels have commissioned some kind of report from their children on the pros and cons of various domestic pets. Despite their big smiles, I can’t imagine they’re all that pleased to see that the kids are just drawing on big pieces of paper. What is this, the ’80s? If you really want to make an impression, you want to set up a PowerPoint presentation, with animal clip art and ungrammatical bullet points about why dogs and/or cats are awesome. How do you kids expect to succeed as white-collar drones? Sorry, you’re getting a turtle.

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Crock, 10/6/09

Poor uncultured Captain Poulet! He’s throwing around big words like “Platonic,” which means pretty much exactly the opposite of what it’s pretty clear that he thinks it means. Perhaps his only experience with Plato comes from reading The Symposium, and he thinks the evening is going to end in a drunken sodomistic orgy, though even in that case he seems to have seriously misunderstood some genders.

Oh, also, this lady is out on parole! This is “funny,” for some reason.

Apartment 3-G, 10/6/09

See, this is the difference between Ruby and Tommie. Ruby may be beaten down by the big city — she have been thrown over by a man she thought she was getting on well with for some pill-addled floozy — but she still knows that she’s worth something! In panel two, she looks mad about her lonely, unloved state. Screw you, New York! If you’re not good enough to appreciate Ruby, well, she’ll just go back to Texas, and you’ll be all the worse for it!

Tommie, meanwhile, is in the process of melting into a puddle of self-pity. The only thing keeping her standing upright is the fact that her coffee mug is mostly filled with Wellbutrin.

Jumble, 10/6/09

Speaking of pills, these women — one with a heavy-lidded expression, the other with eyes the size of dinner plates — appear to be having some kind of spontaneous little party in the shoe store, in which they’re stumbling around muttering about how “it’s like walking on marshmallows.” They are clearly high, on drugs.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/6/09

Now, Kayla, we know that you weren’t aware that Lisa’s ghost was spying on you when you and Les first made out, because you aren’t gifted with Creepy-o-Vision. But for the record, “Every peanut butter and jelly sandwich is like an edible tombstone for my dead wife and it must be made properly” is the part where you run screaming for the door and never look back.