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Lockhorns, 3/1/11

Wow, if you had asked me, “Which comics couple has a whole secret life in which they run pharming parties and ingest massive amounts of bootleg prescription drugs?”, the Lockhorns would not have been my answer. (Connie and Walt from Zits would have been my number one choice, for the record.) I’m pretty sure this is the first Lockhorns panel I’ve seen where both halves of the titular hell-couple are smiling at the same time, even though Leroy’s got the squiggly-smile that is this comic’s shorthand for intoxication of one sort or another. I’m not sure who the anonymous foreground lady is supposed to be, but Loretta is clearly very excited about introducing her to the mind-altering bounty in that box of wonderful pharmaceutical treats from our neighbors to the north.

Mary Worth, 3/1/11

“Let me tell you something, Wilbur. Your daughter’s lived with you her whole life, so I have to imagine that she’s been forced to watch what I just saw — you inhaling a hamburger right out of your hands, barely pausing to chew — over and over again. So you can’t blame her for developing defensive strategies. I sure wish I had been facing a computer screen instead of facing you when that happened. I kind of wish there were a computer screen between the two of us right now, or maybe just a thick concrete or metal barrier of some kind.”

Wizard of Id, 3/1/11

Aw, isn’t that nice! Remember, whether you’re a prisoner of your job and the low social status associated with it, or just an actual, literal prisoner, you can still escape your bonds and drudgery with the power of your imagination. In this case, the imaginary journey involves macking on sexy ladies, I guess? Seriously, I have no idea what the hell is supposed to be going on here.

Dick Tracy, 3/1/11

The reason we put up with month after month of aimless insanity in Dick Tracy is that, eventually, any given plot will suddenly resolve itself into a brief episode of visceral, nightmarish horror, which remains incomprehensible on any kind of intellectual level but will still be seared into your consciousness, forever. Anyway, as today’s strip features a mass murderer in a gimp mask squirming in terror at the arrival of hundreds of bloodthirsty rats, I think it’s safe to say that this stage of the narrative has arrived.

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Wizard of Id, 2/22/10

There’s something I find pleasingly subversive about today’s Wizard of Id, in which a gaggle of peasants treats the supposedly deadly serious business of war as little more than a game, with no real importance. Does the artist intend us to take a Marxist interpretation of this scene, with the implication being that the working classes ought to stick together in solidarity rather than fighting in the wars orchestrated in the interests of their exploiters? Or does the strip merely attempt to paint an accurate picture of its medieval milieu, in which serfs often felt little or no affinity for the clique of specialized warriors who ruled them? Whatever the case, those peasants sure are looking cheery, considering that they’ll almost certainly be enslaved or killed for sport by whoever wins this battle.

Mary Worth, 2/22/10

Sometimes, when poor unlovable Wilbur isn’t in this strip, I forgot how much I love him. Watch him angrily pour something brown and unappetizing out of an oddly shaped bottle! Watch him clumsily grab at his daughter in an attempt to keep her moored in physical reality, and watch her recoil in palpable disgust! Oh Wilbur, this sad little episode will be all over Dawn’s password-protected LiveJournal tonight, but don’t worry, I still love you!

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Momma, 2/15/11

Wow, if you had asked me which nationally syndicated comic strip would be the first to reference recent political upheaval in the Middle East, Momma would not have even made my top ten. Mother Hobbes knows that there’s nothing that scatters a group of revolutionary troublemakers like a good snowfall. She longs for the day when a great cleansing snow comes for all of us, crushing political dissent and calls for freedom under an icy, silent blanket.

Mark Trail, 2/15/11

It appears that Mark has been shot directly in the head, and the bullet has struck with such force that it’s knocked a few hairs out of place. He’s really going to do some serious punching, once he shakes that off.

Family Circus, 2/15/11

Did you look at this comic and not immediately imagine a thought balloon emerging from Mommy Keane’s head that reads “Ahh, yes, my intra-Keane breeding project is proceeding apace!” Then you are a much better person than I, my friend.

Wizard of Id, 2/15/11

If one constructs a sexual partner out of pieces of disinterred corpses and then reanimates it using dark magic or forbidden science, does that count as necrophilia? Discuss.