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Judge Parker, 7/27/24

Hey, remember how Neddy’s fiance was grumpy about some kind of family business drama? Well, big news: Sophie’s not-boyfriend’s brother, who’s also not her boyfriend (ha ha, but what if…?) is also involved in some kind of family business drama! Now, are these the same family and/or the same drama? It doesn’t seem possible, based on the details as I understand them, but on the other hand, why would this strip inflict two separate boringly vague Spencer Girls Get Entangled In Family Business Drama storylines on us? Why would they do that to me, personally?

Beetle Bailey, 7/27/24

Sorry to nitpick a Beetle Bailey strip that actually has a pretty good joke in it, but in panel two Sarge is being tended to by Doctor Bonkus, the camp’s resident psychiatrist. While he’s technically an M.D., I don’t think he’s the correct practitioner for this job, unless the psychic stress of being proven wrong by Beetle has finally pushed Sarge over the edge into madness.

Pardon My Planet, 7/27/24

CARTOONIST, READING GENESIS 2:9 LOOKING FOR IDEAS FOR A COMIC PANEL, GETTING TO THE PHRASE “TREE OF THE KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD AND EVIL” BUT STOPPING READING RIGHT AS HE ARRIVES AS “AND”: Probably the rest of this phrase is “and bad tasting fruit.” No need to waste time reading any further! Today’s joke is ready!

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Rise and shine! It’s your comment of the week:

“Doc faces a classic conundrum: lump-sum one-time payment (by doing expensive surgery that’ll probably kill Snuffy) or stream of payments (milk the Smiths for many more years to come)? Ultimately, a wise investor decides based on interest rates: the higher the interest rate, the better money today is. Given that Hootin’ Holler has no financial infrastructure, Doc with his liquid legal tender can probably get double digit or even triple digit interest rates on predatory lending in the area, so RIP Snuffy.” –Sprobert

And your runners up are a great way to start the day!

“I enjoy how the women are dressed normally but the male cops look like Sesame Street meets The Punisher” –S.M. Allard, on Bluesky

“By ‘do our part,’ Rex means ‘get his real name.’ ‘Randy the Bully’ isn’t getting that insurance claim processed for payment.” –Where’s Rocky?

I can’t imagine ever hurting my kids. Sure, I neglect the fuck out of them, but I don’t hurt them.” –taig

“Snuffy speaks a dialect where he pronounces all the phonemes in ‘environmental,’ but not ‘the.’” –Anonymous

“The anagram of ‘Star Lounge’ is ‘Lungs Orate.’ Coincidence? I think not.” –Bob Tice

“Topping the list of ‘painful experiences’: These two dorks butchering a great David Bowie song.” –erdmann

“Coach Hernandez is so opposed to nerdiness that he refuses to learn a proper golf swing, or even which direction the club head is supposed to face when swinging. ‘It’s like baseball but on the ground, right? Easy. Anyway, my son is a dweeb in the most mainstream way possible.’” –Faren22

“I refuse to accept Dithers doing a fourth-wall-breaking mug to the audience. Whole concept is wrong. Just gonna nudge you back on into the frame there, mister totally-unrelatable-on-every-level, you can go back to berating your employee for eating without making me an accomplice, thanks.” –Dan

“Haha, it’s funny because a theater is showing a romantic comedy in July, meaning this strip was actually written back in the 1990s.” –Flonatin of Bologna

“I have to give Mr. Dithers props for the wide range of garbage cans in his office.” –KMD

“Yeah, I said it. Look, you don’t let me wear my signature red overalls, you pay the price, lady.” –Weaselboy

“Dustin neighbor boy went to a specialized 2005 Camp, designed to help kids better bond with their Millennial parents. He was taken into the woods and issued a Nokia 3310 with $10 credit and two ringtones, a DVD box set of Scrubs, a box of artisanal cupcakes and a pair of Harry Potter themed Converse. No more Snapchat and Facetime for him — he hd 2 lrn 2 txt or die tryn.” –Schroduck

“America’s discomfort with sex is often chalked up to British/German/Swiss Puritanism, but perhaps we should wonder if Scandinavian morals also come into play? Hagar and Eddie are definitely painting over the blood of their fallen crew and enemies with no issue, but Hamlet looks destroyed by even the tame euphemism of reproduction.” –Philip

Five children. She had put five children in the bath, Jughaid, Tater, Susie Q, Mash, and Siobhán. I had five children. Slowly she slumped to the floor. Granny Creeps. She’d cut in front of her at the General Store, and the crone’s eyes seemed to flash with fire when she spat and cursed. Her power, her power is real. Loweezy’s hands moved slowly to cross herself as the frogs hopped away, croaking like an old woman’s bitter laughs.” –Voshkod

“Notice how Hamlet is in the foreground here. He’s the real protagonist of this exchange. It’s all this lying and dissembling that’ll make it so hard for him to make up his mind and avenge Hagar when his evil uncle breaks out the ear poison.” –Navigator

“If I were Sarge I would not smile so smugly as my officemate raves at the hallucination he sees floating in the white void. He has access to weaponry!” –matt w

Fish heaven implies a fish god, fish angels (as opposed to angelfish, who are very much corporeal), and a fish Jesus with all that entails. Thanks a lot, Mary Worth, now I’m trying to picture a fish crucifixion. A crucifishion if you will.” –Tabby Lavalamp

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Mary Worth, 7/26/24

Oh, man, sorry I thought this was going to be something “normal” like Wilbur deciding to murder his fish for attention, when in fact he’s going to dream/fantasize about merging with his dead fish as some kind of nearsighted human/fish hybrid. A dead one, too! Remember how he was speculating yesterday about fish heaven? Well, in his imagining, this is fish heaven, when a fish transcends its fishy form and becomes merged with Wilbur. Imagine the sick sort of God who would consider such a nightmare to be a reward for a life well lived: this is the deity that Wilbur worships.

Gil Thorp, 7/26/24

Speaking of cruel Gods, imagine if you were invited, just briefly, to bask in the holy radiance of your Creators, except that it has to take the form of walking by a couple of dudes sitting behind a folding table at Comic-Con, where you’ll be surrounded by absolute dorks. Would probably take a lot of the mystery out of the whole thing, right?

Pluggers, 7/26/24

A lot of people use my Pluggers commentary as evidence that I’m a coastal elitist who hates real, down-home Americans from the heartland, but nothing I’ve ever said about pluggers is anywhere close to as contemptuous as “pluggers get trapped in port-a-pottys all the time, probably they fall down in there accidentally and get all covered with really nasty piss and shit, that’s a classic plugger situation and that’s the tea, sis.”