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Mark Trail, 7/28/17

So it turns out those weird-haired paper pushers back at the Rapid City office aren’t weilling to go out into the field and get their hands dirty in the hunt for the Bank Robber Band One Of Whom Is A Lady. Nope, that job has fallen to … badass local sheriff Don Stober! Don’s going to brave rain and tornadoes to find out that Mark has already punched out all the bad buys, probably. Anyway, let’s all admire his mustache and elegantly tapered sideburns, which are cut short enough that no inclement weather can muss them.

Pluggers, 7/28/17

I’ve long tried to explain that being a plugger is actually a complex identity formed by a series of interrelated cultural, class, and political markers, and isn’t just a synonym for being old. However, today’s panel seems to fatally undermine my argument! Actually, the caption implies that being a plugger means not just being old, but being capable of remembering not being old and comparing it your current state of oldness, which frankly is a lot more capacity for self-reflection and abstract thought than I’ve ever credited to pluggers.

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Crankshaft, 7/27/17

Much of the “humor” of Crankshaft, arises from the title character saying English words or phrases that do not actually mean what he intends them to mean, of course, but I admit to being genuinely baffled by why he’s grumpily lobbing the phrase “old-timers” at this intergenerational sex awkwardness. My best guess is that he’s mocking his daughter and son-in-law for fondly remembering a youth in which some light boob-touching in a movie theater was considered an highly anticipated erotic act, since he now uses the family computer and his copious free time to mainline the most depraved pornography humankind has ever produced.

Beetle Bailey, 7/27/17

Shoutout to this nurse for being an ally to his female comrade who was hounded out of her duties by Killer’s nonstop sexual harassment. That’s the face of a man who’s definitely going to be upping the frequency of some invasive but necessary medical examinations.

Spider-Man, 7/27/17

God help me, the second panel of today’s Newspaper Spider-Man filled me with pure unalloyed joy. The best part is that Spidey stage-whispering while peeking around a corner to get Mole-Man’s attention out here in the empty hall for no particular reason, but I also enjoy the fact that my dude has convinced everyone start calling him “Melvin” but Peter knows that, while in his absurd Spidey persona, he needs to call him “Mole-Man,” in order to keep this whole outlandish superheroics farce going.

Six Chix, 7/27/17

[Begins writing an angry 3,000-world screed about Federal Railroad Administration regs and union contract stipulations about staffing on commuter trains, to be sent to the editor of every single newspaper that runs Six Chix]

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Six Chix, 7/26/17

So wait, has “channel your inner goddess” been about boosting your horniness levels this whole time? I have a lot to learn about … inner goddesses. Horniness. Life in general, honestly.

Dennis the Menace, 7/26/17

GOD DAMN IT DENNIS THIS IS SOME FAMILY CIRCUS-LEVEL WORDPLAY BULLSHIT

YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS

I KNOW YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS AND YOU KNOW IT TOO