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Dick Tracy, 10/12/16

Shoutout to this Dick Tracy storyline for getting me more emotionally involved in the strip than I have been in years, if by “emotionally involved” you mean “researching U.S. nationality law and/or Dick Tracy’s byzantine backstory,” which I most certainly do! So, is Honeymoon Tracy an illegal alien? Well, she was born in outer space, but her father was an American and her parents were married at the time of her birth, so it seems clear that she was born a U.S. citizen, and attempting to revoke that citizenship based on her Lunarian descent would probably fall afoul of the Constitutional ban on ex post facto laws, to say nothing of the equal protection clause. Sorry, Rep. Bellowthon! You’d really do better with the vigilante angle. Why not investigate vigilantism in Neo-Chicago? You’d probably take down the whole rotten police force in the process!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/12/16

You know, I joked about what a relief the Morgans’ document-signing montage was, but the non-montaged unpacking that followed has been a perfect example of why it was so sorely needed. FUN FACT WE LEANRED TODAY: did you guys know that the Morgans have four separate grades of dishes??? So interesting!!!!!!!! Seriously, these details better have some payoff later to justify this dullness (suggestion: haunted dishes).

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/12/16

“Ya can just let th’ leaves cover ya, until you disappear!! Nobody can see ya, and ya cain’t see nobody!! Eventually death takes ya peacefully, the way ya always dream’d of!!”

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The Phantom, 10/11/16

You know what you should be calling your dad about, Heloise? The fact that he’s paying tens of thousands of dollars in tuition at this fancy pants private high school (risking exposure by selling bits and pieces of his ancient artifact collection on the black market to get the cash needed to do so) and you’re sitting here bored in a giant lecture hall. What’s the student-teacher ratio at this place, anyway? And is the teacher really just gesturing at a six-foot-tall PowerPoint slide that consists entire of three lines of text? Text written in some extremely basic font? What is that, Adrianna? Gross!

Mark Trail, 10/11/16

Hey, remember seven months ago, when Mark urged his shapely female companion to overcome her sense of anxiety and cross a rickety natural bridge? At the time, I claimed that since this was Mark we’re talking about there couldn’t be anything sexual to it, but I’m starting to think that we’ve at last discovered what turns this weirdo on.

Blondie, 10/11/16

I can’t stop looking at the phrase “I didn’t realize you were into shining shoes!” and thinking about how strange and hilarious it is. Honestly, this is exactly the sort of awkward thing that I would blurt out to a child in a desperate attempt to relate to them. I’ve said it before, but Dagwood could save himself a lot of mental energy and frustration just by changing the locks on his doors.

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Dick Tracy, 10/10/16

Thank goodness Dick Tracy is brave enough to blow the lid off the real shape of political corruption in modern-day America: members of Congress misusing their Capitol office phones to illegally solicit cash donations from little old ladies who are eager to see human-alien hybrids put into internment camps.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/10/16

Welp, Funky Winkerbean is in color again, which no doubt heralds a big shift in the storyline we’re following and … wait, what’s that? It’s literally the exact same thing from last week, where Frankie is going to use the power of his gossip site to ruin his son’s life, for some reason, alienating his readership in the process? I see.

Mary Worth, 10/10/16

“A meeting? That sounds like a fascinating thing that you were deliberately vague about for me to pry into. I just got back from a stay at a cosmetic surgery facility myself. They tightened my face another two notches! My nose is approaching Full Voldemort but my skin hasn’t been this firm and unlined since the Nixon Administration!”

Beetle Bailey, 10/10/16

Welp, looks like Sarge finally just straight-up murdered Beetle! I guess this strip is over now. Looking forward to seeing what new comic they replace it with, or maybe just enjoying the soothing blank space left over when they don’t bother!