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Mary Worth, 7/5/16

This plot is just getting underway but Tommy the (ex-)Tweaker is really cementing his place as one of the Greatest Ancillary Mary Worth Characters of all time. There are a lot of ways this could go; I’m thinking that in Tommy’s role as the symbol of society’s ills, he’ll become addicted to opioid painkillers in the aftermath of this tragic moving accident. But for now, let’s just enjoy the sight of Tommy writhing theatrically while Mary and Iris shoot meaningful “Forget everything you saw here” glances at the poor groundskeeper.

Dennis the Menace, 7/5/16

Dennis seeing instruments that product sweet, sweet music and imagining them as machines for firing hot explosive metal death at terrified human beings? Menacing indeed.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 7/5/16

“Jughaid was jess’ jokin’,” Loweezy protested, as the townfolk descended on their house with torches. “He … we wuz jess’ talkin’ about sneezin’ and such!” But the rule was ironclad. If anyone in the community acquired the malady known only as “th’ sickness,” that family and their home must be cleansed with fire. They all moved grimly forward, but nobody said a word.

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Dick Tracy, 7/4/16

Hey, everybody, remember the Space Coupe? Last we saw it, a couple of bad guys had stolen it, but its inventor Diet Smith had taken control of it remotely and sent it drifting endlessly into deep space. Today, two years later, in honor of our nation’s independence, Dick Tracy wants to remind you that it’s still out there, whirling forever in the vast nothingness. Did Dr. Ghote and Dr. Sail gradually suffocate as the Coupe’s oxygen slowly ran out, giving them ample time to understand their inevitable fate? Or does the magical technology that allows the vessel to move without obvious propulsion or thrust also provide infinite oxygen, leaving the ne’er-do-wells to instead confront starvation, staved off temporarily only by a brief, violent turn to cannibalism? Either way, happy birthday, America!

Six Chix, 7/4/16

On this holiday when many Americans are travelling to attend cookouts with friends and family, Six Chix would like to remind you that every social event is nothing more than a prison!

Beetle Bailey, 7/4/16

Meanwhile, in Beetle Bailey, the mullosks have evolved language capabilities so they can beg us not to kill and eat them.

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Crankshaft, 7/3/16

There are two punchlines in this strip: “Crankshaft ham-handedly flirts with the pharmacist,” and “Crankshaft takes out his anger with the American medical system on the pharmacist,” and neither of them are funny. A pharmacy called “Drug Lords” is funny, though. At least to me. I’m a man of simple tastes, guys.

Hi and Lois, 7/3/16

Here’s the story of a man trying, and failing, to impress his family. If his frozen smile in the last panel doesn’t break your heart, I’m not sure what will. Enjoy your holiday weekend, everybody!