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Spider-Man, 1/31/17

Panel three of today’s Spider-Man is most definitely a portrait of a guy who barely understood what was just said to him in panel two. “Carved images, huh? From … ancestral Pueblo peoples, you say? I guess they carve … images … of things they see … that are interesting? Could they carve Ronan? If you say ‘ancestral,’ does that mean they’re not still around? So they couldn’t carve anything? Or maybe they are still around but they don’t carve images anymore? At least I know that there are exactly 24,000 of them. I’m real solid on that.”

Funky Winkerbean, 1/31/17

I’m not sure how I would describe a clinic where a bored medical tech who isn’t even bothering to make eye contact with you says that your scan looks “very good” right before giving you vague information about ways in which it looks extremely not good and then leaving you twisting in the wind until your next doctor’s appointment who knows how many days from now, but “super” isn’t it! Are these the same people who sent Funky bad prostate cancer news via m-mail eight years ago? Back then he greeted the bad news with heavy-lidded ennui; today we’re approaching genuine panic. That jolt of adrenaline lets you know you’re alive, Funky! You know, for now.

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Mark Trail, 1/30/17

Last week’s Mark Trails were a between-stories palate cleanser that depicted a noble woodland creature (a bear) in search of a meal, which I didn’t post here because they were kinda dull. Today’s Mark Trails is about another noble woodland creature (Mark Trail) in search of a meal, which he’s having handed to him in a huge, steaming stack, and I’m posting it here because it’s amazing. That pile of flapjacks is hypnotic, and it’s totally worth violating the 180-degree rule between panels one and two to keep them in the same spot in the frame, focusing our attention on them and emphasizing the fact that nobody in the room can take their eyes off their pancakey deliciousness.

Meanwhile, Rusty wants us to know that he enjoys pancakes too. Tough shit, Rusty! Did you narrowly escape an exploding island anytime recently? No? Then how about you sit there in blessed silence and let Mark methodically and manfully devour that entire heap of griddled delight in peace.

Mary Worth, 1/30/17

Hey, remember when someone wrote into “Ask Wendy” with a professional dilemma that blatantly mirrored the Iris-Zak-Wilbur triangle? Mary told the questioner they should make a list of pros and cons for each of their options. Well, looks like that didn’t work! Looks like Mary’s whole professional advice-giving style is bullshit. Looks like Wilbur’s gonna have to come back from Antarctica and CLAIM WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY HIS, by which I mean his advice column, but probably Iris will end up back with him too because this strip always makes a list pros and cons for every potential narrative resolution and inevitably settles on the least interesting option.

Pluggers, 1/30/17

Usually when Pluggers presents a plugger’s version of some common phrase, it’s supposed to be a simpler, down-home alternative to some fancy pants elitist institution. But the “discount double-check” is a service offered by State Farm to its car insurance customers and advertised in heavy rotation during NFL games, so this cartoon is … confusing? Do pluggers not use car insurance, because only a bad person would have a car accident, probably because they’re listening to rap music? Or does State Farm cater to effete city dwellers? It’s got “farm” right in the name, darn it!

Dennis the Menace, 1/30/17

I mean, I guess that’s what they call it when you try to leave the Cheesecake Factory without paying and sprain your elbow as security wrestles you to the ground!

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 1/29/17

Haha, yes, coconuts are a source of both nutrition and life-giving water, they’re a balanced part of a healthy diet, this comic has been made possible by the Association of American Coconut Importers (You’ll Go Nuts … For Coconuts™!), blah blah blah, but: let’s not lose sight of the fact that the crew of this cargo ship has abandoned Sly and Max to die. Like, what is even the backstory here? Was Slylock deputized by the understaffed animal government to deal in cases of admiralty law and about to crack some case of nautical crime wide open? Or was the whole thing a ploy to lure him out to sea to kill the vulpine detective in a way that left no fingerprints? Anyway, thanks to Slylock’s knowledge of nutrition, this bunny-bear-wolf gang isn’t going to get away with this!

Family Circus, 1/29/17

After more than half a century of “Billy, Age 7” jokes, it’s becoming pretty clear that the Family Circus is running out of English words to play with. Still, I was vaguely amused when I got to the end of this strip of free-associative sub-puns; no matter what our political beliefs, I think we can all agree that our nation’s laws would be more fair and just if they were written by a tribe of beautiful, magical creatures who combined the wisdom of a human being with the grace and power of a horse.