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Dennis the Menace, 4/4/16

The Mitchells strike me as an extremely 1950s respectable upper middle class types, which means that they’re probably high church Episcopalians. Certainly they’re not going to be Catholics, or members of one of those “ethnic” Orthodox churches. (Yes, I know other denominations have bishops, but I don’t think any of them wear mitres as in the picture here.) Anyway, this panel suffers the same problem of a lot of Dennis-says-the-darndest-things-in-class gags, which is that it’s not clear at all what the correct answer to this extremely open-ended question is supposed to be. Are these eight-year-olds supposed to describe the bureaucracy of church governance, or talk about Apostolic succession or the long struggle in the 16th and 17th centuries over whether the English church should have an episcopal or presbyterian structure? Give me a break. Also, a child demonstrating knowledge of how chess works is one of the least menacing things I can think of.

Spider-Man, 4/4/16

Oh, shoot, I haven’t been keeping you up to date on Spider-Man, because it’s been all about the mildly superheroic tussling amongst Spidey, Steve Strange, and the sinister Xandu, and not about, say, supervillains memorializing their triumphs via selfie. My favorite part is how the mind-controlled Spider-Man is desperate to stop Xandu from uploading this photo to Instagram, but cannot. What would he do if he weren’t under Xandu’s spell? Post a 2,000-word screed to Medium about how selfies are a symptom of a narcissistic civilization in decline?

Crankshaft, 4/4/16

Have you ever wondered about the sexual scenarios that Crankshaft claims to be disgusted by and yet can’t stop visualizing? Then today’s strip is for you, my friend.

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Mary Worth, 4/3/16

You know, I really quite enjoy Dawn Weston’s role as Mary Worth’s perennial sad sack. Every attempt to get her to improve her life either doesn’t stick or goes horribly awry. For instance, we’re only a few days into her attempt to shake off her funk by making a bolder personal effort, and already she’s on the verge of falling under the svengali-like sway of an art history teacher/yoga guru/“renaissance man.” I fully expect her to show up for an “intro yoga class” where it turns out the only other person there is this Thomas Dewey-lookin’ chump and he’s fully nude.

Hagar the Horrible, 4/3/16

This is definitely the most maritally bleak Hagar the Horrible ever produced, and considering this is a strip where the title character tries to cheat on his wife every few years, that’s really saying something.

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Funky Winkerbean, 4/2/16

You might be thinking, “Gee, if aging Starbuck Jones serial star Cliff Anger has a lot of movie memorabilia and is selling it for some extra cash, wouldn’t he make even more money if people knew he was the seller? Like if he, say, signed it or something?” But that’s just naive. Everyone knows that old movie actors are considered amongst a certain rarified set to be the most dangerous game. Cliff Anger thought he was playing it safe, he thought he was hiding his identity — but the hunt for Starbuck Jones may be almost over.

Judge Parker, 4/2/16

Sorry to hear that your entire retirement savings were wiped out by medical bills, Chubbs! But have you considered not retiring, and, say, using your garment industry knowledge to manage a sweatshop full of old people? That way the Spencer-Drivers will only have to deal with a couple of old people themselves, rather than an unruly bunch of them. And these particular old people will be indebted to the Spencer-Drivers, who can always remind them about the extortion racket they tried to pull! It’s a win-win for everyone, except for the Chubbs, who probably didn’t want to work right up until the day they died.

Archie, 4/2/16

I find it pretty sad that Hot Dog thinks that “Hot Dog TV” is just going to be a picture of his dopey-ass face. You’ll never make it in show business unless you’re willing to offer some razzle-dazzle, kid!