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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/12/16

Guys, I spent a lot more time than I’m comfortable with trying to figure out what exactly in God’s name is going on here. It took me a while to make the leap from the anti-union propaganda in the throwaway panels to the Clampetts, who I had forgotten were the titular oil-rich Beverly Hillbillies. While I’ve never actually seen an episode of the show (side note: there are 274 of them), I understand from the theme song lyrics that Jed Clampett became a petro-millionaire after he stumbled upon oil seeping out of the ground while he was “shootin’ at some food.” Snuffy and Lukey seem to be engaged in some cargo cult oil exploration, unaware that the mineral rights to everything under Hootin’ Holler were sold to a Halliburton subsidiary years ago.

Panels from Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/12/16

I take it back, OK? I take back what I said about the new writer stopping the nonstop flow of cash into the Morgans’ bank accounts/sock drawers/comical burlap sacks with dollar signs on the side of them. That kind of thing does happen (to the Morgans), and it’s going to keep on happening, forever.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 6/12/16

Check it out: Shady’s down there looking for his lost jewels without the fancy underwater breathing apparatus Slylock and Max have. That’s why he always stays one step ahead, even when they foil his plots: he works harder and does more with less. You’ll never take him alive, coppers! Probably because he’s about to drown.

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The Phantom, 6/11/16

The Phantom is of course the 21st in a sequence of Walkers who’ve dished out vigilante justice to southern Africa from their cave HQ over the past 480 years. Over that time, he and his forebears have had to adjust to certain social and technological changes in order to keep up. For instance, at some point some Phantom traded in his flintlock for the modern-day pistol he now carres. The Internet is a recent enough development that I assume that it was the current Phantom who somehow got hundreds of miles of cable laid from the nearest city all the way into his Animal Head Room over at the Skull Cave, then erased the technicians’ minds with “Bandar medicine” so they could never reveal his location. As a modern superhero, he knows that he can’t do without the Internet’s research capabilities; but as a man of action, he’s got to resent that he’s now starring in scenes like this, where he’s sitting in front of his computer and then flashes back to an earlier point in time when he was also sitting in front of his computer, only back then he was wearing his skin-tight purple costume for some reason.

Crankshaft, 6/11/16

I admit to never having actually watched the Gotham TV show, but I do like the idea of an “origins” series, where you see the world we live in bit by bit become a well-known exaggerated, cartoonish fictional universe. So while Crankshaft remains in general the sunnier of the two Funkyverse strips, I enjoy it when you can see hints of the dystopian horror that lies 10 years off in Funky Winkerbean, like when stone-faced cops forced terrified children up against their squad cars.

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Hey guys! Your COTW in a second, but first, as threatened last week, I’m gonna keep you up to date on other things I’ve written in other places. This week: an article for CSO about tech “security theater” — you know, stuff that looks impressive and imposing but doesn’t actually make anything any safer. Enjoy!

And you should also enjoy this week’s comment of the week:

“How wonderful being Dagwood must feel. Imagine seeing the world through his sclera-less eyes and processing it with his Dippity-Do-covered brain. When a homeless panhandler mysteriously disappears from the streets of his hometown, Dagwood’s assumption is: ‘Oh, he must have found gainful employment at a place that treats him like a human being of value. What a rich, fulfilling new life he must be living now.’” –Joe Blevins

And the hilarious runners up!

‘He’s plugging in heaven now’ ‘Getting potato chip crumbs all over a fluffy cloud’ ‘Holy shit we are so next'” –norbizness, on Twitter

“Okay then, tomorrow will be the day I have a little fun and shake things up. Blondie! Fetch my two-button shirt!” –Dan

“The bear in Slylock Fox looks more than a little disturbed about how they’re interrupting his shitting-in-the-woods regimen.” –Steve S

“Wilbur’s all like, ‘Remember when I should have died in the shipwreck, but I didn’t?’ And Dawn’s all like, ‘Yeah that was fucking awesome.'” –KreatureFeatures

“As a lifelong Illinoisan, I must point out that Josh has it backwards. The Illinois residents lined up at the river and mooned the Missouri residents. Because Missouri is saying ‘Show Me,’ see? So we showed Missourians our butts, ha ha! As residents of a state that has gone an entire fiscal year without a budget, and is known for jailing our governors, finally we have something to be proud of.” –Moon Over the Mississippi

“The ‘Sooper-Pooper Marvin’ doll was not a hit, mostly because it was completely disgusting, but also due to the fact it took twenty bucks of chocolate pudding to load it up each time.” –Voshkod

“‘It sure is … right on the front page!’ helpfully shouts Abbey’s talking newspaper in a Siri-esque voice, shortly before yelling the entire article out loud and then screaming some of the nearby advertisements at the Spencer-Parkers.” –Brad

“I was really wondering about the haggard expression of DogMan there until I realized that his wife is staring at a blank television screen, telling the dog to jump up on the couch with her despite the fact she’s sitting in a chair. Do they even have a dog? Anyhow, ‘Pluggers who get dementia are maybe the lucky ones’ might be an appropriate alternate caption.” –pugfuggly

“Horse breeder heiress?! I didn’t breed those horses, they were a gift from my parents! This joker better get his facts straight” –Doctor Handsome

“In that cramped attic there’s room for maybe two or three people to stand in line for the author meet ’n’ greet and autograph. So what are they going to do with all that extra space?” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Our son is alone in the Himalayas! Alone, except for all those monks. Heloise is alone in NYC, with 8.5 million other people. Sob! Remember that time that I was locked up for two years by Chatu’s men and everyone thought I was dead so you were on the high seas with Captain Savarna. Our kids were left here in a cave with a pygmy in charge. Those were good times. Not like now.” –hogenmogen

“Hootin’ Holler debate, degree of difficulty: both parties sober.” –lumaca morente

“I like to think that when type is bold-faced in Mary Worth, it’s indicative of the character’s human façade slipping for a moment as their words echo in their true voice of an ominous, fetid, rasping voice of an Old One. ‘Have you ever been DIFFERENT PEOPLE, Harlan? I have … If this form is not pleasing to you, I can take on a DIFFERENT GUISE to complete the MATING RITUAL and spawn 10,000 more WILBUR ABOMINATIONS into your world.’” –Dread

“Momentarily dumbfounded Dagwood quickly realized the young man wasn’t asking for money, merely holding a Starbucks cup. It was Liam, CEO of a local internet company. ‘Kids,’ thought Dagwood, chuckling to himself. ‘They think it’s fashionable to dress down for work, but look at me: full evening dress with a sporty red bow tie. I’m the REAL hipster here.’” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Wow, that’s a real shock. It’s almost so grim that I can’t bring myself to point out the bizarre way Gil is holding the phone with just his fingertips. Almost.” –Chyron HR

“It was all Spider-Man’s idea! The blouse, the dishwashing gloves, the drapes doubling as a cape, the mustache, ALL OF IT.” –Tigernan Douglas Quinn, on Facebook

“When Dawn starts feeling down, she just shoves a sharp pencil deep into her ear a few times and thinks of Mary. It makes all the Bad Voices stop.” –Mumblix_Grumph

“What exactly is the dash in ‘en-tire’ meant to mean? That’s … that’s how everyone pronounces it, right? There’s nothing hillbillyish about that pronunciation, surely. Have I been saying the word wrong all these years? By unsettling me and making me doubt my own accent, I dub this the most gripping, emotionally engaging Gasoline Alley ever.” –Schroduck

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