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Hi y’all! Today is my 41st birthday, so be sure to put all your favorite jokes about me being old in the comments! (But also, tell your commenter of the week how funny this comment is.)

“Say what you will about total isolation from mainstream society and the fundamentalist indoctrination that goes on on the Keane Kompound, but that family has raised their kids Original Trilogy. The Prequels are no more welcome in that home than the filthy sinners on MSNBC. I, for one, applaud this commitment to traditional values in the face of our degraded modern ‘culture.'” –Carter Adams

These other comments are also worthy of praise!

“I’m pretty sure ‘you were impressive with your cane tonight’ is some sort of euphemism. And, by euphemism, I mean ‘penis joke.'” –T.H. Steady

“Remember when retirement-age Secret Service agent Clint Eastwood unraveled a conspiracy and saved the president in In the Line of Fire? Or when Channing Tatum, a mere applicant to the Secret Service, saved the president in White House Down? Well, it’s nice to know that a pair of well-trained former agents can also prevent a mugger from possibly stealing their Costco cards before they retire to their beach-adjacent condo to drink tea and discuss wedding plans. They don’t make Secret Service agent plot lines like they used to, is what I’m saying.” –BigTed

“Why are St. Peter’s eyes underneath his nose? Or does he have no eyes, but enormous nostrils? Did Momma go to cubist heaven?” –ratnerstar

“That picture of the Sun Bear tongue and the honey is one of the most perverted things I’ve seen outside of the absolute sickest fetishistic pornography, and, of course, the torrid, and shamefully explicit, final panel of today’s Mary Worth.” –Jack loves comics

“Look, Lockhorn female, if you keep playing a 45 record of Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here over and over again, you shouldn’t be surprised if you start seeing visions. Do you think you can tell Heaven from Hell?” –Voshkod

“Nice to see Bill Keane understands that the incest subtext is important to Star Wars fans, and doubled down by having BOTH of ‘Leia’s’ romantic interests be her brother. Of course, this is to be expected in cults, anyway. Big Daddy Keane’s frown is simply because Dolly, while getting the perversion right, is overlaying it with the obviously fake religious themes of ‘Star Wars,’ rather than the more carefully crafted but still obviously fake religious themes of the Keane Kompound.” –Briane Pagel

“I have a feeling I’m going to need some high-tech equipment! Get the lab boys working on a non-exploding boat.” –Dan

“Mark Trail, two weeks later: Hi, Mark. Hi, Cherry. Blueberry pancakes? Don’t mind if I do. Say, Mark, I got around to looking at that fish you had cryo-shipped up from Florida. Now, I haven’t had much experience with sharks or dolphins or whatever in Lost Forest, but it seems to me that what killed it was that license plate lodged in its esophagus. Mind if I keep the high tech equipment, though? Seems like it could be fun.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“For me, the best — the very best — part of this whole set up is that it looks like Spider-Man is furiously humping Peter Parker aboard that ‘bomb-rigged bat glider.’ So, if after reading years of this always-stultifying comic, you’ve ever wanted to tell Ol’ Webhead to go fuck himself … well, here you are.” –Joe Blevins

“I like how Sarge seems to be looking straight at the reader in that last panel. ‘That’s right, folks, nudity exists in this comic universe. If my dog has skin and flesh beneath his uniform, then by logical extension, so do I. Why don’t you take a long, hard think about that.’” –pugfuggly

“I’ve always said, the best part of any time travel story is where everyone stands around like a bunch of idiots idly discussing things.” –TheDiva

“I’m looking forward to the spin-off strip where Adam and Terry, former Secret Service agents, solve all their office problems the old fashioned way: with violence!” –Cloudbuster

“‘On the bright side, we’re not living in a zombie apocalypse’ appears not to be a word balloon, but a sampler hanging on the wall. This says more about The Lockhorns than I possibly could.” –Pozzo

“You know what would be a good way to determine whether Adam and Terry should work together? A trial period.” –A Concerned Reader

“Au contraire: Lisa does have a future self. And it’s a rotting, lifeless corpse. Just like the future self of literally everyone who ever has or ever will exist. Hence the comic’s actual punchline: people sure do get older as time goes by! And they inch closer to death.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“I don’t follow this strip much, does Sarah erupt out of the side of a dog like Kuato in Total Recall?” –nescio

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

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Funky Winkerbean, 7/17/15

YES, the moment I’ve been waiting for in this time travel plot has arrived! Everyone has met their past/future self, except … Lisa. Because she has no future self. She’s standing there in the background, looking gobsmacked, as the reality of her own mortality comes crashing down on her like a ton of bricks. Even Les, who supposedly loves Lisa more than anything and would give the world to see her just one more time, is too busy staring into his own dull, baffled eyes to notice her. Guess you’re just going to be stuck making awkward small talk with your replacement back there, teen Lisa! (Cayla’s younger self did not make this journey because I think she was busy being about eight years old.)

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/17/15

Oh, say, have I forgotten to mention that the Morgans are heading up to the same cabin where Rex and Niki had their now-legendary trout-fishing expedition just a mere eight years ago (approximately three months in strip time)? The trip is beginning with vomiting and an even more malformed than usual Sarah demanding pancakes, which bodes well.

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Gil Thorp, 7/16/15

Huh, for some reason I had thought football phenom True Standish was a senior, and had just blown into town to help Milford win the Valley Conference title trophy, aka “the Golden Cock,” before graduating to become a backup quarterback at a second-tier Big Ten school for the next three years. But it looks like we’ve got another year of his laid-back, good-natured antics to go! Today I mostly like the way True’s less-talented teammates are laughing it up in panel two. “Ha ha, you’ll be courted by important people who can advance your career, while we’ll hang out here drinking off-brand soda and watching other people jet-ski! High five!”

B.C., 7/16/15

The idea that our beloved (?) B.C. characters comprise the entirety of a tiny, isolated band of hunter-gatherers is probably the most accurate depiction of paleolithic humanity in this strip to date. Here’s hoping the accuracy continues and we get a good look at what happens when power relations in a society without organized political structures shift: fratricidal violence.

Mary Worth, 7/16/15

Oh, OK, maybe this will be the drama behind this mysteriously still ongoing Mary Worth storyline: Adam is psyched to be working with Terry, while Terry is only kind of enh about it! This strip can squeeze another three to five weeks out of that for sure.

The Lockhorns, 7/16/15

One of the main appeals of zombie apocalypse fiction — of apocalypse fiction of all types, really — is this: that though the world depicted is one suffering from terrible trauma, it’s also one where the constraints of our current lives have suddenly been swept away. In all likelihood you’d be killed in the opening hours of the plague or uprising, of course, but there’s a visceral thrill in imagining yourself in a new situation, with your boring money troubles and domestic squabbles vanished along with the restraints of traditional social morality. But the Lockhorns are so dead inside that even this mental escape is impossible for them. They know they live in the worst of all possible worlds, and that this is the only one there is.

Pluggers, 7/16/15

You’re a plugger if you’re extremely careful to respect the trademark rights of patriotic American companies like Johnson & Johnson, but the French communists who run Chanel can go fuck themselves.