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Hagar the Horrible, 3/13/16

Hagar’s role in the 9th century economy is essentially parasitic, extracting resources via violence from peasants and townsfolk whose rulers are too weak or too distant to protect them. Naturally, in order to justify this position, he tells himself that everyone — savage Viking raiders and helpless serfs alike — is equally morally bad. Presumably he’s trying to set off a riot in this village so that he and Eddie can steal some stuff in the confusion.

Curtis, 3/13/16

Haha, sure, Diane, scold Curtis for his zombified Humpty Dumpty, but I know for a fact your book ends with the beloved egg-being falling to his death, shattered to pieces in a scene of awful horror. Who can save him? The government? Not in this fairy-tale kingdom, where the military is sent in to provide substandard medical care to its citizens! Barry will be crying his eyes out. At least in Curtis’s version you’re relieved when he dies in the end.

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Marvin, 3/12/16

Therapy is always, always terribly misrepresented in fiction, because why do any research on various treatment modalities currently in use when you just want someone to have a plot-advancing revelation and/or a sexy affair with a therapist? Still, even by those standards this is pretty dire. “Instead of just bluntly asking you what you think of Jeff’s mother, we’re going to play a ‘word association’ game to tease out attitudes buried deep within your subconscious, attitudes that you might keep hidden even from yourself. OK, here’s the first word I want you to give me your associations for: ‘Jeff’s mother.'”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/12/16

A fun way to think about Rex Morgan, M.D., plots is that many of them are about people’s petty personal problems that Rex gets dragged into, mostly against his will. Like when an ugly family squabble broke out a funeral, and Rex made this face about it! This week, Rex just wanted somebody to sell him a house full of valuable antiques at below market value, and all of the sudden he has to hear about the bitter fallout from some neighborhood elder love affair. At any rate, this certainly puts Franco’s claims that when it comes to the house he “knows every nail” and “the basement fills with water” in a new light, especially if you’re the sort of person who likes to look for double entendres in soap opera comic strips, which I very much am!

Gil Thorp, 3/12/16

This Gil Thorp basketball season storyline continues to be snoozeville. There is definitely an interesting plot to be wrung from “straight but not-entirely-gender-conforming female student athlete navigates teen romance” but this one 100% isn’t it! Today’s strip at least promises some sort of off-court fracas to liven things up. “I think that was the Milford kid we were hollering at the other night. Did you guys bring some throat lozenges? Because we should holler at him … some more.”

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Every week I read the week’s comments and pick the best one. This week is no different! Here you go!

“Sure, a trade school can teach the mechanics, but a general education in the liberal arts with a focus on communications allows for a richer implementation of torture. Any man with a hot poker can burn a prisoner, but it takes a deep familiarity with Foucault to know that torture is a ceremony — a public spectacle, really — meant to make the results of the secret investigation public and to reflect the violence of crime in the body of the accused.” –Sam Greelee, on Facebook

Also: runners up. They’re funny! Enjoy them!

“Heathcliff kills a fish, well, that’s just something cats do naturally. But in the very next panel, it’s a little disturbing to see a cat fucking a birdcage. (‘Little’ as in ‘hugely.’)” –Bruce Arthurs

“Oh–hee-hee! ‘Ms.Powers,’ that’s my mother. Call me Cilla. How’s your tea? Are you drowsy yet? Forget that I asked that last part.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Dennis is menacing us all with the antiquated notion of the gender binary!” –adhesiveslipper

“I was born here! I never lived anywhere else! I died here, back in 2007, and my body is buried in the basement! I’ve been haunting it ever since, and I’ll continue to do so until it burns down. Now, let’s talk about the closing costs!” –seismic-2

“Seems like dad has the right tactic: act as disinterested and obstinate as you can early and you’ll probably lose custody.” –pugfuggly

“The sheet of paper is a script. Camp Swampy is staging a production of Herb and Jamaal: The Musical.” –A Concerned Reader

“I scheduled you an appointment with a marriage therapist. Not me though. My half of the marriage is fine.” –Doctor Handsome

“I’d rather read a hundred Marvin strips about his dad’s hemorrhoid than one in which Mary Worth thinks about achieving simultaneous orgasms with Jeff.” –nescio

“Theory: the balloons are disappointed in their custodian and are trying to sell him at a rock bottom price, to no avail.” –Funkula, on Twitter

“Talking animals are one thing, but Boog’s familiarity with the legal system terrifies me. Has he been studying the law searching for loopholes? What potential crimes are being developed behind those black soulless eyes?” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“‘They won’t believe an owl’s testimony! No one gives a hoot about what you have to say! Whoooo do you think you are, anyway?’ [screaming begins as talons rip into eyeballs]” –Voshkod

“Did you know that owls participate in their own form of scrapbooking? They regurgitate pellets of undigested parts of their prey: bones, fur, feathers, hair, etc. Each pellet, like a scrapbook, tells a unique story of the contents of an owl’s recently eaten meals.” –Ned Ryerson

“I think the torturer was probably trying to tee up a question about his student loans, so he could heat up the brand and drop a ‘feel the burn’ pun, and now he’s all mad that he couldn’t follow through. ‘Fine. My major. It was communications. Look, piss off, I’m gonna go torture this guy.'” –Dan

“For a second I thought the glass of water on Jeffy’s nightstand was symbolic, like a ‘half empty, half full’ perspective kinda thing. Then I realized a glass of water is probably the best present someone like Jeffy deserves.” –Irrischano

“They say that if you rub Jerry the Waiter’s dome, your odds of scampi poisoning will decrease!” –Lacey Wootton, on Facebook

“What’s worse than being a man in your 50s still working in a wood-paneled casual seafood restaurant, providing $11.99 Salmon Specials to people who are far more financially comfortable than you? Having to do so in an ill-fitting tuxedo.” –BigTed

“Well, Crankshaft isn’t here, so I guess I’ll have to deliver a really labored malaprop myself. I want you to know in advance that I don’t feel good about this.” –Joe Blevins

“Rex is so bad at genuine human interaction he hasn’t noticed he’s wandered into a serial killer’s lair or that the little old lady is actually a middle aged man in a drooping skin mask. But hey, free antiques!” –EscapeZeppelin

“Claudia is once again made tremendously uncomfortable as the only woman in a car full of men talking about women’s bodies. ‘If that’s how they talk about Blondie, what do they say about me? And is Dwitzell leering at me or just trying to join the front seat alpha men with his eyes?'” –Adam Menendez

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

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• Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

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