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Hi and Lois, 1/9/15

“Heh heh, if there’s one thing dudes like, it’s football, and the NFL playoffs, am I right? And if there’s one thing ladies like, it’s shopping, using credit cards. You can use credit cards in two stores a day, right? I’m pretty sure that’s how credit cards work? I tried to look it up online but there was all sorts of complicated stuff about interest rates and interchange fees and whatnot? It was confusing. The NFL playoffs are at least blessedly simple. I mean, they’re not, I don’t really understand how the teams are seeded, but there are definitely two games today and two games tomorrow. I’m just hoping credit cards work on the same principles.”

Shoe, 1/9/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because he feels that the coercive and violent power of the state with which he’s been imbued applies in his domestic sphere as well, and believes, probably with some justification, that his fellow law enforcement officers will look the other way when he threatens his wife! Never have the patented Shoe Goggle Eyes of Horror been so appropriate.

Family Circus, 1/9/15

Just to make this joke absolutely clear: Dolly, a child of the electronic age, views any instance of a machine not working as a symptom of it “needing new batteries.” (Actually, an real child Dolly’s age would probably say it “needs to be recharged,” but I digress.) So in other words, that toilet isn’t working correctly. And since the only thing a toilet does is flush, we can assume that in this case, it failed to flush properly. There’s pee or, more likely, poop in that toilet right now, is what I’m saying. Just a big old Keane turd, which Dolly is clenching her fists and backing away from. GO AHEAD, GRANDMAS EVERYWHERE, HANG THIS DISGUSTING SCAT PORN ON YOUR REFRIGERATOR. I DARE YOU.

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Ha, you thought I forgot the first comment of the week of 2016, didn’t you? Well, I didn’t! I didn’t at all! Here it is, enjoy it!

“Boog’s parents should just put everything sex-wise into scrapbooking terms. Then perhaps Boog would understand. ‘You see, I opened up your mother’s scrapbook and used my glue stick to insert photos and other paraphernalia,’ Rover explained as he sweated profusely.” –James in North Dakota

And also enjoy these hilarious runners up!

“I think you guys are giving Wilson & Beatty too much credit in Diversity Training. If we’ve gotten TWO ‘As solid an Irishman as you’ve ever met’ comments in a week, I expect nothing less than the Full Leprechaun.” –Ukulele Ike

“That hideous second panel can be recycled if there’s ever a story in which Boog gleefully murders a box-shaped robot, tearing out its artificial internal organs by hand.” –Joe Blevins

“Already I can see that Sarah might not fit into the bland-haired Aryan ideal the school seems to favor in their students. Fortunately for her, as a terrible artist with an explosive temper, they may see leadership potential in her.” –pugfuggly

“Love how disengaged Rex is from the children. ‘Ugh, who are these small, demanding people? The money I pay so I don’t usually have to interact with them is worth every penny!'” –Steve S

“Oregano? More like OregaNO MORE TRAMPLING ON MY RIGHTS OBAMA” –PartyDuder

“Pluggers are only bad at one thing: life.” –Tim Pendergast, on Facebook

“Given the beak-like nose on the female in Gasoline Alley, and the glossy black bird-line eyes shared by all of them, maybe saying a stork was involved in the conception is being outright honest. ‘You see, son, many years ago, your grandpa fell in love with a stork. To keep our stork bloodlines strong, each of us must mate with a stork. Stick with the stork, my son, and you’ll have no egrets.'” –Voshkod

“‘Your sign says you still have your faith. Is that true?’ ‘My sign says what? There’s been some kind of mix-up … I wonder who got the sign that says Put a dollar in my cup for a peek at my crotch?'” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“So the moral of the story is, ‘Be careful what you wish for, because you might eat a hamburger and a drumstick with cola poured over them and then vomit on a famous politician.’ A valuable lesson that we can all apply to our own liUURRRRPHHH” –Chyron HR

“I kind of enjoy the way that the homeless man ends every sentence with an exclamation mark. It makes his sad story so much more exciting!” –Loopina

“Holy shit, she has the face of a Precious Moments figurine! It’s deeply unsettling. I wonder what her face will look like when the park rangers find Boog’s corpse half devoured by woodland critters, his attempts to block their sharp teeth with the scrapbook rendered horribly unsuccessful.” –rbmalpha

“Even realizing they’re character ‘names’, the phrase ‘Boog, Hoogy, honey’ sounds more like the ramblings of a senile nursing home patient than actual dialogue. So in other words, all is normal in Gasoline Alley. I’m not even sure why I brought it up. All apologies. As you were.” –The Might Untrained FOOZLE

“Notice that there’s only four taps there. Don’t ask where the ‘Bearded Stout’ is dispensed.” –Doctor Handsome

“Pity that this fire interrupted a charming meal at Beige Burger.” –Irrischano

“I guess we’re supposed to see today’s Rex Morgan and understand that this blond man is angrily storming out of the office, but it really looks to me as though that this guy just jogs around the admissions office all day, yelling angry, out-of-context things to no one in particular.” –Brad

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Crankshaft, 1/8/16

The newspaper comic strip is an art form with a dilemma: each strip must, to a certain extent, stand on its own; but unless it’s a pure gag-a-day strip like the Far Side, it must also make use of a library of tropes, running gags, plots, and character elements to round out its world and live up to its full potential. But in doing so it risks confusing or alienating new readers. For instance, we all know that today’s strip is just the typical Crankshaft Has Built A Fire That Has Gotten Out Of Control gag that this strip loves, layered over with the usual inexplicable Funkyverse melancholy, but can you imagine if this were the first Crankshaft you ever read? “Oh my God!” you’d think. “That poor family! Their house is burning down! Maybe a loved one is trapped inside! Look at their stricken faces — they have nowhere else to go, and it’s so cold out!” Tomorrow’s inevitable cranky old man joke would leave you very confused indeed.

Beetle Bailey, 1/8/16

You know, even when laws change, it takes a long time for people’s attitudes about themselves to follow suit. In other words, even though Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was repealed more than four years ago, Sgt. Snorkel is going to have to drink a lot of beer before he can really enjoy himself at this leather bar.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/8/16

No need to look so alarmed, Morgans! Welton Green may not be comfortable with sociopathic students, but it has no policy banning narcissists.