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Blondie, 11/30/15

This strip has made a genuine attempt to plaster the Postal Service’s current stylized eagle head logo on everyone’s uniforms and various other surfaces, although the effect is somewhat ruined by the colorist’s choice to make it bright yellow — did they think it was a metal buckle or something? Anyway, I don’t know if it’s meant to be just off-model enough so as not to infringe on trademarks, or if the colorist error has botched a genuine symbol of partnership between the Postal Service and the Blondie creative team, but either way I very much would like to see Dagwood and his damn sandwiches wiped out forever by a drone-fired missile, thanks.

Mary Worth, 11/30/15

OK, so, technically NYC & Company is “New York City’s official marketing, tourism and partnership organization” rather than a government agency per se, but its spending still ought to be scrutinized, and I for one very much doubt that paying King Features to have Mary Worth and a neglected psychic child tour New York’s best known museums will really see a solid return on investment.

Gasoline Alley, 11/30/15

Reading this, at first I was like, “Ugh, I certainly hope the future children of today’s children aren’t still using jpeg files when they grow up,” but the file format is already more than 20 years old, so who knows, really? But you and I both know that neither “Mrs. Lopez” nor the actual Gasoline Alley creative team knows what exactly a jpeg is, and we should all brace ourselves for days — maybe weeks? — of this strip explaining why computers are bad and today’s students need to learn valuable scrapbooking skills in order to compete in the modern economy.

Crankshaft and Funky Winkerbean, 11/30/15

Oh, hey, I hadn’t really noticed this before, but I guess … Christmastime is the season for intra-Funkyverse crossovers? Like last year, when the Funky Winkerbean crew reflected fondly about how Crankshaft is a monstrous dick to children, or the year before, when he caught sight of the vegetative husk that is his Funky Winkerbean-era future? A holiday bowling tournament seems to have less opportunity for grimness, but, you know, never count these strips out in that regard. They’ll find a way. Oh, yes, they’ll find a way.

Heathcliff, 11/30/15

In a desperate attempt to one-up a certain other orange comics cat that thinks he has a monopoly on unpleasant Mondays, Heathcliff is about to embark on a futile attempt to outrun a pelting rain of bird shit.

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Beetle Bailey, 11/29/15

Usually Saturday is the day Beetle Bailey sets aside for strips about the Halftracks’ awful, loveless marriage, but you have to really give the creative team kudos for using the full scope of a Sunday strip to hammer home how truly hellish this relationship is. My favorite part is the topical shift as we move from the second to the third tier of panels: sure, the General’s marriage is explicitly acknowledged as a prison, but his supposed hobby, the sort of thing one usually engages in for enjoyment, is also a punishment. The only solution is to numb the body and mind with alcohol! Anyway, I know there’s a lot of awful things happening in the world right now, but I honestly think this strip should be in the running for The Grimmest Shit In The Newspaper Today.

Panels from Slylock Fox, 11/29/15

In the top panel, the abruptly Awoken animals are using their newfound sapience to try to come to an understanding with the humans, to create a new, balanced form of existence in which all species can live in harmony. In the bottom panel, the animals are merely establishing an insincere truce under which they will gather their strength for the inevitable violent uprising that will wipe humanity from the planet. I don’t really think the other five differences matter all that much.

Judge Parker, 11/29/15

Years ago, back when Sophie was prepubescent weirdo savant rather than an alpha-cheerleader mean girl, she cheerfully admitted to spying on Neddy while she was doing “that tongue thing” with some now long-forgotten boy. Voyeuristically keeping tabs on Neddy’s sex life is a Spencer-Driver family value, is what I’m trying to say.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/29/15

Long story short, Cayla, the answer to your initial question is “not well.”

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Mary Worth, 11/28/15

Oh my goodness, Mary is quoting notorious drug musician George Harrison to little Olive! How can a dignified, mature woman possibly think this is healthy for a young person to he– wait, what’s that? Mary was born sixty-something years ago, according to King Features? Which means that Mary was somewhere been 15 and 24 when George Harrison’s All Things Must Pass was released? Which makes it not unlikely that Mary herself has done a lot of drugs? Well, huh. Huh.

Pluggers, 11/28/15

Pluggers know that no tawdry sexual encounter can match the sheer erotic pleasure of maintaining a lucid stream of thought for the amount of time it takes to walk from one room to another.