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Apartment 3-G, 8/15/15

Wow, after weeks and weeks of virtually no forward movement or anything of interest in Apartment 3-G, we have something that … might be interesting? Lately, Margo’s taken to wandering around Manhattan in a fog of confusion, occasionally hassled by people on the street who claim to know her but whom she keeps pushing away. But now we learn that her mysterious stalkers are named … Tim and Eric? If these names ring a bell, it’s because Eric Mills was Margo’s grill-loving almost-fiance who died in an avalanche (supposedly) smuggling his brother Tim and the Pachen Lama out of Tibet. But maybe Eric survived, or, weirder, maybe he died but has been reincarnated/called forth out of the spirit world by powerful Himalayan magic, to join forces with his brother to … irritate Margo, for some reason? The other possibility is that this whole thing is some sort of prank perpetrated by discomfort-causing alt comedians Tim and Eric, which honestly seems equally likely.

Shoe, 8/15/15

Whoa there, Shoe: priests don’t turn water into wine or vice versa. A priest could help facilitate a little transubstantiation, but unfortunately the accidents of the wine are not transformed in that process, and thus it will still taste terrible.

Pluggers, 8/15/15

Pluggers don’t use CREDIT CARDS issued by BANKS controlled by the ILLUMINATI CABAL who want to DESTROY AMERICA and establish a NEW WORLD ORDER so YES they WILL be paying with LIBERTY SCRIP backed by the INTRINSIC VALUE OF THE MINERAL RIGHTS INHERENT TO THEIR ALLODIAL PROPERTY on which they DON’T PAY TAXES because they’re SOVEREIGN CITIZENS and if you won’t take that but you will take BIG GOVERNMENT’S FIAT MONEY then you my friend are very much PART OF THE PROBLEM and I’ll be posting about this on FACEBOOK, believe you me

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You guys! This week’s top comment is pretty funny, right?

“Ah, but Dennis is present in today’s strip: he’s replaced Zayn in One Direction.” –pugfuggly

These runners up are pretty great too!

“Cayla’s weary and disappointed ‘my husband is obsessed with his time-traveling ex’ look from last Sunday is exactly the same as her ‘my husband lost consciousness’ look from today. Cayla, have you considered that maybe you just don’t like your husband very much?” –Dan

“Les, I think I speak for everyone here when I say you didn’t ruin the class reunion by passing out. That’s ridiculous. You ruined it by waking up.” –I am Groot

“Toby’s hiding the take-out containers while Ian brags about the little woman’s great cooking! What will ensue? (a) hijinks (b) wackiness (c) a tearful scene in which Toby tries to get her clueless husband to understand the myriad ways he undervalues and diminishes her (d) absolutely nothing of interest because, you know, Mary Worth” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“Peep? I don’t know about you guys, but for me the most depressing part of today’s comics was finding out that ‘tweeting’ is apparently a protected trademark now.” –Vulpius

“Man those guys need to call up 1-800-ANACHRONISTIC-REPETITIVE-JOKES, the place one goes to remedy phone number-based joke problems.” –norbizness, on Twitter

“Say what you will, but I thought Horf on Bolf was pretty funny.” –The Homework Ogre, on Twitter

“I know he probably can’t afford a lot of them, but I hope to God Doc is going to wear a pair of disposable latex gloves while tickling Snuffy.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“Laughter is the best medicine, so readers of this strip are doomed to a slow, lingering death.” –Pozzo

“Oh, Mr Wilson, does this mean you’re going to scour the Earth for the forty least selling songs of the year? That’s a tremendous, heroic undertaking which will probably require several lifetimes and expose you to some amazing, unlikely, personal music. Godspeed you brave adventurer!” –Amake

“I mean, have you been on Soundcloud? Have you listened to the shit on Bandcamp? In my day we had a real underground. The Monks, Sun Ra, Great Society, Captain Beefheart, Rocket From the Tombs, The Residents. Now it’s just a drum machine, a laptop, and three out of work 20-somethings in a shit bar. Where’s the weed, Martha? I’m in the mood for the Troggs.” –Carter

“‘If I don’t get the $10,000 referral fee that Charterstone pays, I’m done for. I’ll have to declare bankrptcy. Or catch the first plane to Lima,’ thinks Ian as the sweat trickles down his back.” –Big Bad Dave

“Beats ‘the ol’ bumstead chumhead.'” –thisblogisfortherats, on Tumblr

“The best bit is Herb, focusing on the road, maintaining a neutral expression, and thinking ‘Oh, god, they’re talking about Dag Swag again. How long do I have to wait before that gets played out? And is anyone talking about my new tie? Of course not! I can’t wait until his boss crushes him.'” –Horace Boon

“‘This forward compartment is much larger — Wait … What’s that!?’ –Mark Trail, being exposed for the first time to the mechanics of heterosexual intercourse” –Doctor Handsome

“Mark has no need to be exposed to radioactivity to become a super-hero, since he already is one. His secret identity is Brylcreem Man, who by sheer force of will is able to keep his hair combed underwater.” –seismic-2

“Is the chicken over-cooked? Well, you are eating with a spoon, so…” –lumaca morente

“I first interpreted this Crankshaft strip as a kind of heartbreaking elegy to lives wasted, an ode to years of regret: ‘don’t say run, don’t tempt me, or I will run away, far and fast, away from this tragic existence, as far as my feet will take me, disappear into the fairgrounds forever, and live out the remainder of my life as a carny, remembering, remembering but never returning.’ But the harrowing expressions on Jeff and Ed’s faces as they prepare to take a massive dump in their pants are really almost as poignant.” –Jack loves comics

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Funky Winkerbean, 8/14/15

Oh, hey, I didn’t mention it the other day, but Darrin got offered a job helping Mopey Pete on the comic book movie he’s writing, and Jessica immediately agreed to move to Los Angeles with him, which Darrin treated as if this were some great favor she was doing him! Which seems to imply that someone, anyone, might want to live in the eternal Vale of Sadness that is Westview, and specifically the apartment above Montoni’s that presumably smells like mediocre pizza and depression all the time; it also ignores the fact (just like Funky Winkerbean the strip has been mostly ignoring the fact) that Jessica is in fact an aspiring documentary filmmaker so maybe … Los Angeles … might a place she’d want to live? Just a thought.

Anyway, clearly Montoni’s needs somebody paying rent on the apartment upstairs to supplement declining pizza revenue, and clearly Montoni’s needs someone in charge to make sure the giant barrels of low-grade pizza sauce shipped in monthly haven’t spoiled, and it looks like Wally is next in line for both positions! Wally already has a perfectly nice house that he and his wife live in, of course, but the needs of the pizza collective outweigh any rights he has to choose where he lives, as his look of stone panic in panel three makes very clear.

Mary Worth, 8/14/15

Thank you, Hilton Berkes: “I see enough of you on campus, Ian” is a sick burn for the ages. When I am cold at night, I will bring this strip up on my phone and bask in its cruel, warming glow.

Crankshaft, 8/14/15

Here’s today’s Crankshaft! It’s about uncontrollable pooping.