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Mary Worth, 4/6/15

Protective services, it turns out, involves protecting important officials like Congressman M^cDugal, Adam’s favorite Congressman. Adam’s dedication to M^cDugal’s political career was so intense that he had both break up with Terry and get shot in the leg. Was someone trying to assassinate Congressman M^cDugal? No, of course not. Taking a bullet for the Congressman was just something Adam was compelled to do … something he believed in. So did he have to rig up an elaborate mechanism that would fire a gun at the Congressman’s office door while he was standing in front of it? Yes. He was compelled to do it. It was an integral part of his political ideals, of his vision for America.

Mark Trail, 4/6/15

Man, Wally sure is taking us on an emotional roller coaster ride here, isn’t he? “Ha ha, Mark, you and Cherry are going to leave, but then come back! That’s super and terrific! Now, we’ve had some laughs, but in all seriousness, these trees are everything to me, and if I go down, I’m not going down alone.”

Slylock Fox, 4/6/15

“Yeah, look, Sly, Max, I … uh …. I gotta be somewhere,” said Chief Mutt, sweating profusely. “Can you, uh, can you feed the prisoners? Food’s already here. Shouldn’t be a problem.” He was gone before Slylock could even answer him. Not really my department, Slylock grumbled to himself as he pushed the cart down to the holding cells. As the metal door clanged shut behind him, he looked it up horror. Four hardened criminals were in a cell whose bars were so far apart they could easily just walk through them. They all smiled at Slylock with murder in their eyes.

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Heathcliff, 4/5/15

Happy Easter, everybody! You know, there are a lot of newspapers, particularly in the Bible belt, that traditionally run the headline “HE IS RISEN” on Easter Sunday. I’m curious as to whether any still do that, and if so if any of them also ran a comic inside featuring a cartoon cat whipping a whole team of baseball players into a frenzy with tales of Christ’s athletic prowess.

Wizard of Id, 4/5/15

Meanwhile, in faux-medieval Id, the idea that the townsfolk might abandon Christianity when confronted with the truth that the Wiz’s dark magic is real seems at least … internally consistent?

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Apartment 3-G, 4/4/15

Oh, look, Margo is back with her old friend Thelma! You remember Thelma, of course, as the waitress at Margo’s favorite diner, which is actually outside on the sidewalk or maybe inside some apartment where the decor hasn’t been updated in fifty years, who can even tell. She used to be a redhead and now she’s a blonde, but the important thing is that her sidewalk/apartment diner also serves booze now! And Margo wants her sweet, sweet brown liquor, so step it up, lady. Her swear words say “I will cut you” but her big grin says “It’s fine, everything’s fine!”

NEW THEORY ABOUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN APARTMENT 3-G: all the ladies Margo’s been interacting with lately look vaguely like Lu Ann because they are all Lu Ann. Margo finally had that psychotic break we’ve all been waiting for and is now confined to a reputable mental health facility or possibly her apartment, and dear, sweet Lu Ann is play-acting as just about everyone else in her delusional world, to distract her.

Gil Thorp, 4/4/15

Say, were you wondering how the tale of Max Bacon™, Fake Pill Popper®, turned out? Well, Max was suspended from the team for the rest of the season, Bobby was fired as student manager, and the basketball team missed the playdowns. Max will apparently get to come back next year, presumably chastened and fake-drug free, whereas Bobby … Bobby is raising an army of children to aid his bloody, violent, sure-to-be legendary revenge. They’ll regret underestimating Bobby. They’ll all regret it.