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Funky Winkerbean, 6/6/15

In a touching gesture, one of Les’s fellow reunion organizers took from him the burden of putting together the “Gone But Not Forgotten” display. Because if there’s one thing Les doesn’t like to do, it’s dwell on the memory of his dead wife! Oh, hey, why don’t we add the book Les wrote about his dead wife’s death to the display. Say, do you suppose anyone wrote a book about the death of poor dead Livinia Jessup? No? Oh well, guess she probably didn’t die as movingly! I mean, do we really even need her picture there at all?

Dennis the Menace, 6/6/15

Significantly more menacing things Dennis could’ve said:

• “You’re a grown man with a wife and a long, productive career behind you, and the possession you prize above all others is a poster that you clearly bought at a store somewhere and that has no actual historical connection to Daniel Boone?”
• “If this is your most prized possession, why do you have to keep it up here in the attic?”

Shoe, 6/6/15

“This body is a repulsive husk, a meat-prison that I dream every day of escaping. KILL ME AND SET ME FREE, I BEG OF YOU”

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Hey y’all, just a quick note to Los Angeles and Los Angeles-adjacent folks that you can see me perform my beloved character Gary The Emotionally Fragile Substitute Yoga Instructor for free, tonight, in Echo Park! It’s in a show called Underbelly, full of stand-up comics doing comedy in non stand-up forms, and it will be WEIRD and GOOD. At Echoes Under Sunset, 1310 Glendale Boulevard. Doors open at 9:15 pm, show starts at 10. Don’t miss it! Gary will be even sadder if you do!

But now, it is time for the comment of the week:

“Let’s take a minute to really appreciate the Phantom’s costume here. By having the majority of it be the same shade of purple that the world apparently turns to at night, all of the costume blends into the lavender ‘darkness’, except for the midsection. To the criminals he battles, this must create the illusion of being attacked by a floating pair of blue and black striped granny panties, which, if nothing else, must be confusing as hell.” –Brad

And the hilarious runners up!

“I’m not sure that Nancy would agree that you were improvising. You negated a lot of her pitches and brought the whole scene down.” –pugfuggly

“I choose to believe this is just Dagwood’s custom ringtone. HERB WOODLEY! ‘Oh, hi Blondie. Yeah, I’ll take the tenderloin out of the freezer.’ HERB WOODLEY! ‘Yes Mr. Dithers, first thing Monday morning.’ HERB WOODLEY! ‘Ha ha, hi Cookie. No, just laughing at the ringtone. It never gets ol– no it doesn’t, sweetie.'” –Dan

“Mary’s non-Euclidian rose bushes are looking very good this year. See how, in the second panel, they healthily interpose themselves into spaces that shouldn’t exist, such as where Mary’s forearm and neck should be? I do hope Terry doesn’t prick herself on one of the fifth-dimensional hyperbolic thorns, though. Not only will she rapidly bleed out into unknown space and time, but her blood might awaken the Howler in the Walls (also known as Wilbur).” –Voshkod

“Slylock is hesitant to criticize Ronny. He knows he comes from a tough part of town. He knows he grew up without a father. He know this because he ate him and several other members of the Rabbit family. ‘I knew your father, kid. You should aspire to be more like him. He had great taste. Heh heh!'” –Mikey

“Why does the crow think Max’s tail is an earthworm? Why are statues of primates valued more highly than a bowl of life-sustaining water? Why is the owl out in the daytime? I only hope I’m dead and gone before this dystopian future becomes reality.” –Nekrotzar

“That put-down made a lot more sense before the syndicate changed ‘penis’ to ‘director.'” –Chyron HR

“I see what Lantern-Jaw-Purple-Polo-Shirt is going for here: is it possible to have a reunion and not invite the reunion committee president? It’s certainly worth a try!” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“They get cell reception, but they still have to light the cave with torches?” –Molly Dolan, on Facebook

“Because the other two people are in your bra, because you have big boobs. Yes, you heard me right, that’s what I’m saying. Lately I’ve cheerfully accepted the fact that I’m losing my mind. Hey, did you know that technically we’re a sixsome, because of my testicles?” –made of wince

“Dear Beetle Bailey, I had a hard time figuring this one out partly due to your minimalist ‘style’ when in comes to depicting everyday items (such as golf clubs, golf shoes, tanks, etc.). If you draw a golf course in the future can you please draw all eighteen flags in a single panel so as not to confuse me further? Also, if the joke involves a sexual innuendo please draw Halftrack’s half erect schlong hanging out.” –Mikey

“Speaking of home … this home is so much better than my home! Instead of what I was going to do, why don’t I just wait for him to get home, shoot him with this gun until he dies, and then make his home mine! Haha! No more sleeping in a dark cave or risking life and limb fighting crime for ol’ Phantom, no siree! I’m moving on to bigger and better things! I’m going to call my kids to tell them to go fuck themselves! I wonder if this rich guy keeps any cocaine around here?” –Jack loves comics

“‘But do you know how hard that boy is throwing?’ ‘Uh, no. Why? Is there some way of measuring it?’ ‘Gil, we have a radar gun — we can chart the pitch speed for your entire staff.’ ‘What? So I can make personnel decisions based on data rather than my seat-of-the-pants impressions? There was this kid who kept telling me that during basketball season too — I had him thrown off the team on trumped-up drug charges, so don’t push me, Billy Beane.'” –But What Do I Know?

“Is that … a mushroom cloud Momma is painting? What’s that guilty ‘They’re on to me’ sideways glance as she hastily splashes paint over it to cover it up? Was WWII … secretly Momma’s idea?” –tommie

“Bored with wasting his awesome mental powers on simple stunts such as replacing the curtain in panel one with a table lamp in panel two, Professor Xavier challenged himself with something more more difficult, namely getting Lu Ann to change her Pepto-Bismol pink shirt. It took all his mental faculties, but sure enough he got her to change it — from one that buttons on the right to one that buttons on the left. This will be the most exciting development in this strip for the next three weeks.” –seismic-2

“The late Harvey Pekar confuses his grandchildren.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“Notice that the teacher has written ‘Write to: Pluggers’ followed by the address on the board. It’s part of the history lesson. ‘This is how people used to communicate, kids. It’s what you now call snail mail. Send them something. It’s a comic written by people who are so old they’re literally dying for new material.'” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

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Spider-Man, 6/5/15

As entertainment becomes more and more dominated by reboots and sequels of well-known franchises, moviemakers are encountering a real dilemma: is it worthwhile to spend significant portions of the first movie of a rebooted continuity covering the protagonist’s origin story? Can we assume that pretty much everyone already knows about the radioactive spider, great power great responsibility, Bonesaw is ready, etc., and just skip to the superheroics? Or are there still newbies out there who would end up baffled and alienated by this approach? Today’s Newspaper Spider-Man proposes a radical solution to this problem: simply start each new series with the main character explaining his background story to a Freudian analyst. Problem solved! Storytelling problem solved, I should say; Spider-Man’s deep and crippling emotional problems certainly aren’t going to be resolved in just one session.

Slylock Fox, 6/5/15

When this puzzle appeared in a Sunday strip in 2009, I mostly saw it is a convoluted trick by Grandpa to make his grandkids feel like jerks for not remembering his birthday. But now that we get a closer look at him — his stubble, his wild eyes — I’m getting a different vibe. A crazier vibe. A “last year was 72 and this year is 74 and you add the digits and you get 20 which is what the Illuminati invoke as a ‘triangular’ number” vibe.

Pluggers, 6/5/15

Nice job, colorists: textual clues clearly indicate that those are supposed to be white stars on a blue background, the better to make American flag footwear for the Fourth, but by making them red you’ve turned our plugger child into a promoter of Godless Communism.

Apartment 3-G, 6/5/15

I know there are only two kinds of background in Apartment 3-G anymore — “dowdy mid-century apartment interior” and “mid-century New York City streetscape” — but a narration box in Wednesday’s strip said that Lu Ann and Mike’s gross flirting was happening “at the hotel.” But now suddenly there’s a knock on … some door? And Tommie’s arrived? And she’s keeping busy? And the background is different? WHERE IS EVERYONE WHAT’S GOING ON WHAT IS HAPPENING HELLLPPPP