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Mark Trail, 2/20/15

“It made me think of my own wife! Her name is Hope, and I love her so much I never even mentioned her before now. Definitely I would never take her deep into the swamp where I keep my bog-palace! I mean, people’s wives get kidnapped all the time out here! What kind of monster are you, Mark, bringing your poor wife into this hellhole kidnapping-land?”

Dennis the Menace, 2/20/15

By refuting the basic premises behind harsh prison sentencing, Dennis menaces our modern prison-industrial complex and the culture of retribution that feeds it.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/20/15

Literally Funky Winkerbean is just spending days having representatives of Enormous Midwestern University be smirking dicks to the hapless teens of Westview High. I mean, I guess most people in this strip are smirking dicks to everyone else all the time, but somehow it jumps out more when non-recurring characters do it.

Lockhorns, 2/20/15

I know this is one of those things where just speaking the name summons the thing into existence, but at the moment I am very glad for the Google search results I just got:

Clearly any such stories would include a depth of emotional and sexual cruelty that would put Fifty Shades of Grey to shame.

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Funky Winkerbean, 2/19/15

Funky Winkerbean would like to remind you that life is a desperate scramble for status, and that those who fail to properly credential themselves will find themselves forever resigned to tenuous and economically marginal jobs.

Wizard of Id, 2/19/15

Wizard of Id would like to remind you that control over life and death is at the root of all political authority, and that socially sanctioned murder is the dearest fantasy of those in power.

Mark Trail, 2/19/15

Mark Trail would like to remind you that you can be duped and held at gunpoint by your closest friend, live in terror of your life for days, see a man blown to bits in an explosion, and have your company’s finances thrown into disarray, and just walk back to your office like nothing happened, like the world’s the same as it ever was! Don’t worry, some good press in Woods and Wildlife Magazine will smooth this whole thing over.

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Hi and Lois, 2/18/15

“Why are there three marks?” Hi asked, his smile tight, and fake. Trixie — well, you couldn’t expect her to know. Obviously. But Lois … well, surely Lois knew, right? Surely Lois knew that Chip had been in high school for decades, that Dot and Ditto had been locked in just-prepubescent sibling rivalry eternally, never moving to the next stage. Surely she knew Trixie wasn’t getting any bigger. None of them was ever going to change, or end, or begin anew.

Mary Worth, 2/18/15

“Why wouldn’t she react well to the news? She’s gaining me, a man who she’s never met and who’s only been romantically involved with her mother briefly, as someone who refers to himself as her father!” I hope you all appreciate what a fantastically solid Mary Worth storyline we have going right now, guys.

Spider-Man, 2/18/15

“I just wanted to grab on to this flying, rapidly spinning circular saw blOW OW OW OW OW OW OW”