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Hello all! Please enjoy this comic of the week, won’t you?

“They say he has the proportional strength of a spider. They say he has the reflexes of a spider. Soon, they will say Spider-Man has the same number of fingers as a spider: none.” –Voshkod

And please enjoy these runners up, won’t you?

“I love the idea that anyone can stand next to Jughead and be the one called out for a stupid hat.” –Tim Pendergast, on Facebook

“Aside from being ferocious hunters, grizzly bears are also opportunistic scavengers, so always stay alert in the wilderness — even if you’re dead.” –HAnzMFG

“Wait … are ‘torture implements’ illegal? I mean, actually torturing people is (mostly) against the law, but as for the implements themselves, that raises some thorny second amendment issues. After all, the only way to stop a bad guy with an iron maiden is with a good guy with a judas cradle.” –ratnerstar

“Considering that Funky Winkerbean barely shows any sign of life, wouldn’t ‘Enormous Mega-Tech’ have made for a better acronym? We could have had a whole week of jokes about pulling the plug on this strip.” –Droopy Says

“They’re in my uncle’s golf bag! Oh God, the drill and the hot tongs and knives, he keeps them all there! THE BODIES ARE IN THE BASEMENT! THE BASEMENT, JESUS CHRIST! Uh, we’re still birds, right?” –Jack love comics

“Gross, Momma’s nose is bleeding/has a blackhead/isn’t finished having been drawn yet. Pretty bad when ole Commas-for-Eyes refuses to look at you.” –made of wince

“Sean is great here as he realizes, ‘Uh oh! I’ve just married this woman, and now she’s going to be there in my goddamned apartment with her … stuff!’ I love how he tries to play it cool: ‘So that flute is your only possession on earth, right? That should probably fit in my sock drawer. And how cool are you, on a scale of one to ten, with sleeping in the bathtub? I’m just going to assume ten and move on.'” –Joe Blevins

“I starting making a record of Trixie’s height on the wall. Well, the side molding, actually. I would never mess up any of our blank wall space with markings, or paintings, or mirrors, or photographs. IT MUST REMAIN PURE.” –BigTed

“Amy should be very grateful she wasn’t invited. Look at what she’d have to eat.” –Poteet

“Five minutes later: ‘Oh shit, I don’t have a boat anymore! How the fuck was I supposed to get back to the office? Mark? Are you still around…?'” –pugfuggly

“As the saying goes, a Mark Trail story isn’t over until the roc-sized pelican eats the remaining characters.” –dmsilev

“Loretta, I saw people buying your new cookbook, Fifty Shades of Grey.” –nescio

“That guy kind of reminds me of the broker who came to Westview some years ago, pitching condos in the new Westview Ridge Knolls development. He said there would be two easy payment options — cash, or going and fucking yourself. Today he’s the mayor.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“I love that it takes Vince three speech balloons to get all his thoughts out. I imagine him pausing between each to take a huge gulp of air, while Mark and Cherry wait politely for him to finish.” –the good ship thetis

Also, faithful reader Briane Pagel responded to my creeping horror that someone, somewhere might be writing Lockhorns fanfic by writing the only Lockhorns fanfic that needs to exist, so please enjoy that as well.

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Mark Trail, 2/20/15

“It made me think of my own wife! Her name is Hope, and I love her so much I never even mentioned her before now. Definitely I would never take her deep into the swamp where I keep my bog-palace! I mean, people’s wives get kidnapped all the time out here! What kind of monster are you, Mark, bringing your poor wife into this hellhole kidnapping-land?”

Dennis the Menace, 2/20/15

By refuting the basic premises behind harsh prison sentencing, Dennis menaces our modern prison-industrial complex and the culture of retribution that feeds it.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/20/15

Literally Funky Winkerbean is just spending days having representatives of Enormous Midwestern University be smirking dicks to the hapless teens of Westview High. I mean, I guess most people in this strip are smirking dicks to everyone else all the time, but somehow it jumps out more when non-recurring characters do it.

Lockhorns, 2/20/15

I know this is one of those things where just speaking the name summons the thing into existence, but at the moment I am very glad for the Google search results I just got:

Clearly any such stories would include a depth of emotional and sexual cruelty that would put Fifty Shades of Grey to shame.

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Funky Winkerbean, 2/19/15

Funky Winkerbean would like to remind you that life is a desperate scramble for status, and that those who fail to properly credential themselves will find themselves forever resigned to tenuous and economically marginal jobs.

Wizard of Id, 2/19/15

Wizard of Id would like to remind you that control over life and death is at the root of all political authority, and that socially sanctioned murder is the dearest fantasy of those in power.

Mark Trail, 2/19/15

Mark Trail would like to remind you that you can be duped and held at gunpoint by your closest friend, live in terror of your life for days, see a man blown to bits in an explosion, and have your company’s finances thrown into disarray, and just walk back to your office like nothing happened, like the world’s the same as it ever was! Don’t worry, some good press in Woods and Wildlife Magazine will smooth this whole thing over.