Comment of the Week

Wizard of Id has succintly portrayed the difference between Early and Late Medieval modes of warfare: while his Dark Age companions are boldly dying for their feudal lord, the canny Sir Rodney treats war as a profession. He is akin to the condottiere who would dominate later Italian warfare. That sly look and crooked smile is that of a man who sees human corpses as nothing more than money in his purse, arguably far more barbaric than his predecessors. But trebuchets suck for hitting single guys so we're probably about to see Sir Smarty Pants' insides in spite of his historically progressive role.

m.w.

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GUYS, with literally zero ado, here comes the comment of the week:

“It’s pretty fantastic how Slylock is holding his hands out, imploring the assorted creatures to rely on their capacity for reason, as they march right past him with dollars already out and ready to be spent. But the next time Slick Smitty comes along with some fantastic claim about the polar bears he met at the South Pole, who will they plead with to solve the crime? ‘It’s barely worth throwing pearls of trivia before the swine of this forest,’ he’ll mutter while Max coughs and tries to subtly point out that there’s a talking swine nearby.” –Dan

And the very hilarious runners up!

“Like pale grubs given human features the Family Circus children slither across the bed, poking the clammy appendages they call hands into daddy Keane’s eyes and ears, demanding sustenance. Perhaps if he feigns death they’ll spare him and take is wife instead. But no, they can sense the ruse. There will be no escape from their doughy pun-filled maws while he still lives.” –EscapeZeppelin

“Is that a single bed where Bil is sleeping? They’ve wised up four kids too late.” –Midtown

“Please tell me that somewhere off-panel there’s a box labeled ‘Gordon’ and the little marionette is stuffed neatly in there with an iPad.” –Hans Peter Gertje, on Facebook

“Hello, dear. Just thought I’d invade your mind for a sec. Wow, it’s all sepia tone in here! Is this the way the world looks to you? No wonder you don’t trust yourself to drive; I imagine traffic lights are quite a challenge. Anyway, what’s with all the boxes? You’re not moving them into my place, are you? I thought you weren’t a hoarder, and all you need is your flute. What else are you hiding from me, a pet monkey? Well, that’s it for now. I have an appointment to get this troublesome hair in my nostrils trimmed again. Boy howdy, it grows like wildfire — I haven’t smelled a single thing in years!” –made of wince

Bowl haircut, bowl helmet … this guy is like one of those ‘theme’ villains on the Batman TV show. All he needs is henchmen wearing black sweatshirts with white lettering: ‘Tie him up, Mixing, you and Cereal go down to the dock, and take … take…’ ahh, nuts, this is much harder than it’s worth.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“The Ghost Who Runs a Eugenics Program” –Liam

‘Mr. Moore?’ That seems a bit formal for … hmm. Come to think of it, what is the correct form of address for the widower of your bio-mom? I think if I were Darrin, I’d solve this conundrum by never talking to Les at all.” –Horace Broon

“So I’m assuming this is the work of that weirdo special effects guy we met earlier in the story, because obviously Peter can’t plan this far in advance for anything. I guess this might just raise more questions, like ‘why?’ or ‘how?’ or ‘um, what?’, but I’m sure we’ll be treated to some world-class hand-waving for the rest of the week.” –pugfuggly

“If the last two panels of Judge Parker took place on Jeopardy!: ‘What is the ending to the phrase: old enough to be my…’ Neddy’s Friend: ‘Demise!’ Wine Bottle: ‘Pop!’ ‘Wine Bottle is correct.'” –Wrong Way Up

I looked at the full moon, but nothing’s happening still. I don’t think Daddy’s Lunar Destruction Ray works at all! The U.N. will never pay us the ransom now!” –Voshkod

Who’d guess a film could make such a mess? Just the people who saw Green Lantern! DOH HO HO HO!” –Chyron HR

“Sean is already proving himself to be a most considerate husband, as he takes care to punch the word ‘knees’ to make sure his new bride gets the joke. (The joke is that he’s super old and feeble and probably not long for this world. HA!)” –Joe Blevins

Certain Dick Tracy characters look like they went into a costume shop and said ‘Give me exactly one item from every outfit you have.'” –Jack loves comics

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Dick Tracy, 3/6/15

Ever since Mike Curtis and Joe Stanton took over Dick Tracy a few years back, the gore factor has been diminished considerably. Still, you can’t take over a storied franchise like this and ignore core aspects of its brand, which include characters staring admiringly at a villain’s brains splattered all over the floor.

Mary Worth, 3/6/15

“Let’s walk into our apartment … together! At last, it’s mine! And I didn’t have to wait three years! I didn’t have to wait at all! Hoo ha ha! HOO ha ha! HOO HA HA!” [sinister laughter continues for an uncomfortably long time]

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Dennis the Menace, 3/5/15

As a Ginger-American, I spend a lot of time wishing for more positive depictions of my people in the media. Sure, we have the Weasely family, but that’s about it. Thus, I was actively angered when I saw that today’s Dennis the Menace indulged in the sad, stereotypical depiction of redheads as angry, sullen drunks. You know what the real menace is, Dennis? Intolerance.

Hagar the Horrible, 3/5/15

It’s not so much that Hagar doesn’t like tea as he doesn’t respect the property rights of settled agricultural folk who live in castles, Eddie. For now, you’re part of his war-band, and so he considers you a friend and ally. But as soon as you form a marriage-tie to the ruling class of settled, civilized Europe, you become an enemy to any self-respecting Viking who dreams only of bringing plunder back to his family and retainers on the continent’s northern fringes. Inviting Hagar in to your inherited home will mean signing your own death warrant.

Shoe, 3/5/15

We all love the patented Shoe Goggle Eyes Of Horror, of course, but almost as charming are their complement, the patented Shoe Heavy Lids Of Despair. They’re particularly grim to see on the face of ostensible child Skyler, whose youthful love of life has long been crushed under the unshakeable compulsion to answer straightforward questions in school with terrible, unfunny wordplay. “His friends wanted to make sure he got the point,” Skyler says, hating himself. “Eh? Eh? Get it? Because he was stabbed to death?”

Spider-Man, 3/5/15

I was kind of meh on this storyline for a while, but everything that’s happened after Mysterio was captured has been pure comedy gold. Today, the fiend manages to break free from captivity and … runs six feet to attempt to make a dumb point about Spider-Man’s secret identity! Then he stands around like a jerk while the cop trots over to arrest him again!

Family Circus, 3/5/15

“Yeah, I gazed at the wonder of creation, saw otherworldly sights that have moved the hearts of men for centuries. Turns out the moon’s pretty lame! What’s on TV?”