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Apartment 3-G, 1/11/15

You know, all week I’ve sort of felt the urge to feature Apartment 3-G to update you on the doings therein, but no individual strip has struck me as interesting enough to feature on the blog. Fortunately, the strip has a longstanding policy where they spend Sunday rehashing the week’s developments! So, it’s like this: Sam told Margo at lunch that Margo’s mom is under the sway of some psychic lady who is interfering with wedding plans, and then Margo left lunch and almost fell in front of a car, but then some mysterious gentleman stranger who somehow knows her name saved her! Is he part of the league of psychics who have their claws in Gabriella? Is this some indication that Margo really is the center of the universe and her whole reality is an elaborately constructed Truman Show-style simulacrum? Probably not, and the actual answer will be a million times more boring than either of these possibilities, but the last storyline in this strip involved Tommie and some other lady talking to each other endlessly about a usually off-panel baby deer and an even more usually off-panel emotionally withholding large-animal vet, so it can’t possibly be duller than that.

Mark Trail, 1/11/15

You know what’s not dull at all is today’s Mark Trail Teaches You About Nature installment. Horrible cannibal fishes distract each other so they can eat each other’s babies! You drag each and every one of these monsters out of the water and leave the lake to good-hearted, God-fearing organisms like kelp, Rusty.

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Marvin, 1/10/15

You know, sometimes, when it comes to Marvin, I feel like something of a scold. I mean, the poop joke has a long and honorable tradition across cultures. I like poop jokes. I make poop jokes. So why does the constant steaming stream of poop jokes in Marvin make me react with such humorless horror? I think today’s strip answers that question pretty well, which is that they’re not funny, and are actually pretty revolting above and beyond the whole poopiness aspect of it. Like, does anyone anywhere enjoy the image of a baby gleefully shoving brown (brown!) food down his maw while thought-balloon-boasting that he’s shitting at the same time? Do grandmas chuckle and cut out this strip and hang it on their refrigerator, because they like the image of organic matter going into one end of a human and coming out the other in a sort of awful continuous flow? No. I’m guessing no. I’m hoping no. Please, please, let the answer be no.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/10/15

“Haw haw! No, but seriously: we’re going to keep on murderin’ each other for no good reason, just like the biblical patriarchs.”

Pluggers, 1/10/15

I have a hearing aid, and one of the best things about it is the ability to turn it off. I’m not deaf and this doesn’t envelop me in a cone of silence or anything, but in public situations when I’m hearing conversations I don’t want to hear, it just kind of takes the edge off, you know? Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that having hearing deficits is no picnic, but you always have to look on the bright side, and having an excuse to willfully misconstrue sexual advances from pluggers is a very, very bright side.

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You thought I’d forgotten, didn’t you? Well, I didn’t. A full week of 2015 blogging is under my belt and here’s last week’s top comment:

“Hey kids! Do you want to be a detective like Slylock? Lick today’s comic, and you’ll be able to taste the salty seawater too! And be sure to lick every single Slylock comic strip you see from now on, whether it’s in the paper or on your monitor. You’ll help solve mysteries! What? You don’t want to? I guess you like crime. Have fun in jail.” –made of wince

And here are the very funny runners up!

“Uh, Les, you actually can keep Christmas in your heart all year long, even if — and this is a crucial distinction here — you don’t literally have a Christmas tree in your living room. You see, the word ‘heart’ has taken on a metaphorical … aw, forget it.” –Joe Blevins

“…oh, and feathers, I suppose. Not sure why I would forget about the feathers. It’s like … like we’re not ‘supposed’ to have them, somehow? I dunno. It’s just one of those things. Like beaks. The other day I made a play on words involving our ‘lips’ and only now it occurs to me that I don’t think I’ve seen lips on any living thing, ever. Eh. I’ll try not thinking about that stuff now.” –Lenoxus

“My teenage daughters are always talking on the phone. Luckily, i spend my afternoons in a bar, so I don’t have to concern myself with anything they have to say.” –BigTed

Judge Parker: “I assume these boxed mashed potatoes are not the instant potato flakes you and I would buy, but, rather, actual mashed potatoes, prepared by Top Chef winner Bryan Voltaggio, then vacuum-sealed in a top-secret process that allows them to be boxed, sold, and shipped around the world. Sam and Abbey get them delivered free each week, because … well, even they don’t remember. They just do.” –bbofun

“Two kids working together for a decent wage? That smacks of unionism, and Ed is not having it.” –pugfuggly

“Twelve bottles, two people, three days … my God, Abby, we might have to drink water! Like commoners! And fish! And common fish!” –Voshkod

“By 2020, ‘The Funnies’ will have been replaced as a heading by ‘The Psychosexually Horrifyings.'” –C. Sandy Cyst

“Actually, the heels might just be MaryLou’s way of amplifying the height difference between her and her mother in order to impress and intimidate. Clearly, she spent a lot of time thinking about how she’ll reveal her affair with a married man to her mother, how she’d nip the expected onslaught of (passive-)aggression in the bud by using techniques she learned on the Discovery Channel. Momma, however, throws MaryLou’s defenses off-kilter with a blasé witticism. Don’t look at us, MaryLou! Keep your eyes on your mother, because she’s about to strike!” –Alex Blaze

“Spider-Man, Spider-Man / watches TV like a lazy man / Without his wife, he’d be alone / Never learned how to silence his cell phone / Look out! Wherever there’s a loose brick, / or a pipe wielding thug named Rick / You’ll find unconscious Spider-Man!” –rbmalpha

“Like June Morgan, I also wear my wedding ring on my middle finger. That way, when I give my wife the finger, it has so much more depth and meaning.” –Lily Sincere

“I wonder how much Google is paying Spider-Man to advertise the fact that he owns an iPhone.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“Any contract between Sarah Morgan and her parents must surely end in the word ‘cornfield.'” –seismic-2

“I’m intrigued and disturbed by the fact that the moon seems to be spreading inky blackness rather than light. Garbage Ape is not pleased, Heathcliff. Garbage Ape is not pleased.” –Cthulhu Gnu

“In a way, I’m impressed that Spider-Man’s phone works. I thought he would have dodged this bullet because he’d been too lazy to recharge it.” –Droopy Says

“‘I just fell off the Empire State Building but I’m okay’ is the new lunch selfie on Instagram.” –pastordan

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