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Crankshaft, 1/6/15

Let us contemplate, just for a moment, the financial aspects of Crankshaft’s existence. I’m pretty sure that he’s lived with his daughter and son-in-law over the whole course of the strip. Because he has a job operating a large vehicle full of school children, I have to assume that this isn’t because of any decline in his physical or mental capacities due to age, but rather because he can’t afford to live on his own. (It could, I suppose, be because of the warm, close, loving relationship he has with his familhahahaha I can’t even finish that sentence.) There was a whole plotline years ago revolving around some bad kids on his bus known as the “rough riders”; Crankshaft, presumably in a fit of pique, promised to pay for their college education if they actually shaped up and graduated from high school, and then when they did it turned out he had forgotten to save any money to back up this boast, so he tapped into his retirement savings. But even before that incident he was living crabbily with his descendents, so he’s probably always been kind of hard up. Anyway, this is a long way of me wondering if Crankshaft is following these kids around and offering to outbid them just to be a dick, or if he’s genuinely so desperate for cash that he’s literally willing to undercut child labor. He’s ripe for recruitment for one of Neddy Spencer’s old-person labor camps!

Judge Parker, 1/6/15

Speaking of the beloved Spencer-Driver clan, they’re discovering they only have twelve bottles of wine to last two adults for three or four days, so things could get dicey! Seriously, Sophie is getting way worked up about this baby squirrel business. Nobody should be sober for that.

B.C., 1/6/15

Meanwhile, the cavemen of B.C. are suggesting novel sexual activities to one another. It’s sad to see that even so early in the development of our species, some of us were very set in our ways.

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Hi and Lois, 1/5/15

Oh, man, those knowing looks Hi and Lois are giving each other in panel one are chilling me to my very core. What erotic scenarios have played out in the Flagston household that include food and praying? Lois’s deflated expression in panel two confirms everyone’s longheld belief that the bevy of Flagston children mainly exists to get in the way of the title characters’ varied and active sex life.

Mark Trail, 1/5/15

I’ve never murdered anyone or been murdered, but just based on what I know about humans and how they operate, probably if you’re actually going to kill a few people in cold blood for money-making reasons you don’t necessarily spend a lot of time telling them about it, right? And the people who do keeping jawing on the subject maybe aren’t the most serious about the whole affair. What I’m trying to say is that, as a rule, you shouldn’t up and smack some armed dude who’s planning to kill you, but Cherry may not be completely off-base on her ability to get away with this here.

Slylock Fox, 1/5/15

Hmm, let’s just check out the solution here and “Slylock used his sense of taste” OH MY GOD HE LICKED IT, HE LICKED THE BOAT, I know he’s a fox and all but it sure reduces his Clever Detective cred now that we know he goes around licking things, right? “Used his sense of taste,” honestly.

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Funky Winkerbean, 1/4/15

Mirroring the washed-out colors of this strip, any sense of positivity and human kindness in Westview will soon fade into a sort of pastel muck of sadness and bitterness. Haha, look, Les is making a whiny little complaint about how those darn department stores are always trying to get you to buy their products! IT’S HAPPENING ALREADY, IT ONLY TOOK ONE PANEL

Shoe, 1/4/15

“Oh, you know how teenage girls are these days! Just a loose sack of flesh wrapped around a rattling pile of electronics, stumbling from place to place in a ghastly parody of life! Seriously, what have we done to merit this horrible curse upon our children? What cruel God can we propitiate to end their suffering?”