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After some time spent away from comics-blogging, you come back and ask yourself: has anything changed? Fortunately, if you like consistency and stability and have just subjected yourself to a huge life transition, the answer when it comes to the comics is always a resounding no!

Apartment 3-G, 9/6/14

Tommie is outlining her entire romantic history, and, guess what, is still super boring! “And that’s when I fell instantly and immediately in love and my life changed fore–” “Yeah, look, Tommie, I gotta … go, I have a … thing, can’t miss it, let’s catch up at a … later … date, yeah, that’s it, we’ll hang out later.”

Crankshaft, 9/6/14

Crankshaft is, guess what, still being a superdick to his ostensible friends! “Hey guys, my brain still works, unlike yours!” he says, without any hint of a smile that might make this seem like friendly ribbing. “My faculties are still entirely intact. It’s only my cruelty that’s being exacerbated by old age.”

Mary Worth, 9/6/14

Mary is, as ever, still extolling the virtues of love and friendship while keeping all actual humans at arm’s length, emotionally speaking. “I’d like to come visit New York to spend time with you, Olive, but I’m not sure when I can, or if I can, since I have such a busy, demanding schedule of doing nothing and seeing nobody! Anyway, I got New York City ex-boyfriend problems, so it’s probably for the best if I don’t show my face around there.”

Judge Parker, 9/6/14

And people are still getting starry-eyed when engaging with the Spencer-Driver clan and throwing resources at them, even when they themselves are actual celebrities! “Wow, Sam, let’s hear your impartial legal advice: should I let your daughter start her business in a building I own, rent-free?” “Gosh, I don’t know, Rocky, just to make sure there’s no potential conflict of interest, maybe you should consult your own in-house counsel, the one who worked for me until like 20 minutes ago and whose wife is Neddy’s financial manager!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/6/14

And June Morgan still know that as long as things are going her way, it’s best not to ask questions. “Huh, so this old lady who’s abruptly taken our five year old daughter under her wing is from a family of violent criminals?” “Who cares?” “Do you think she and her thuggish henchman are armed?” “STOP TALKING THIS IS NOT TIME FOR TALKING THIS IS TIME FOR EATING HAMBURGERS THE SIZE OF OUR FACES”

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EVERYBODY! I am BACK in the saddle, my saddle having been moved approximated 3,000 miles to the west by either the good people at Allied Van Lines or my wife driving our car, depending on whether you’re using the “saddle” metaphor to refer to my desk chair or my actual ass! Huge thanks to EVERYONE who contributed to the westward bound fundraiser — you’ll get individual thank-yous this coming week, probably with a reference to a specific item I’m going to buy at Ikea with the money this afternoon. And megahuge thanks to Uncle Lumpy for guest-blogging so much these past couple of months. I am back full-time now for the indefinite future, but he’s hilarious and deserves recognition and approbation. And he lovingly hand-picked some CsOTW for the past couple weeks, out of which I have hand-picked with similar love this top comment:

“I love Gil’s nameplate. No ‘Coach,’ no ‘Mr.,’ no ‘Gil.’ No complexity, layering of meaning, or beating around the bush. You, Mr. Standish, are in the presence of an elemental THORP of nature.” –Spunde

But these other comments are not to be sneezed at!

“When you’re done with ‘Words With Pals’ and ‘Scrumble,’ maybe you’d like to play some ‘Hungry Birds’ or ‘Cookie Crush Saga’ or ‘Gim Gardashian’s Gollywood Game.'” –BigTed

“When my daughter used to play Oregon Trail, her party would dwindle disturbingly through serial occurrences of the events ‘Hunting accident! Lose a party member!’ and ‘Fresh meat!'” –Cloudbuster

“Hmmm — free drinks, eh? Not bad, but if I hang out with Kapuht, I might get heroin. Decisions, decisions…” –Pozzo

“Wait, did Rocky Ledge just spontaneously grow sunglasses on his head? That counts as a super power. Was he bitten by a radioactive David Caruso?” –Joe Blevins

“I used to break hearts. Now I just break mirrors.” –gelded wildebeeste

“Even Count Weirdly can’t take this thing seriously. ‘That’s not even supposed to be a dolphin. It’s a shark, and I pulled its teeth out. I pulled the teeth out of every single shark in the ocean. Why? Because duh, I’m cruel and I don’t like shark bites. Does that matter? No. Do you even have a warrant? I doubt it!'” –made of wince

Mary Worth and Judge Parker: “Two phrases that will never escape my lips: ‘I am surprised that you have such an abiding penchant for country music!’ and ‘You know what was recently revealed about him?'” –Écureuil Écumant

“Country music? You like country music? That is the music of the poor.” –Liam

“It could be worse. Someone could paste a copy of Apartment 3-G onto a cover of ‘Action Comics’, as the ultimate act of irony.” –seismic-2

“Bear in mind people have been practically giving Holly rare and valuable comics left and right. She probably thinks that’s how it works now.” –TheDiva

“Acting on an ‘unshakeable feeling’ from ‘deep within’ is how we get all those fake quotes on Sundays. –Jean-Paul Sartre” –pastordan

“Action in Apartment 3-G? Is that a perk for premium subscribers? –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“Luann seems shocked that nothing has happened. As a regular reader of Luann, I am not.” –pugfuggly

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Mary Worth, 9/5/14

Remember that scene in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace when Qui-Gon sat Anakin down and told him about the intelligent midi-chlorian symbionts that live in everybody’s cells and were the physiological basis for the Force? And remember the strange heavy, cold feeling in your gut as the movie layered all that unnecessary pseudo-biological nonsense on top of something that had once seemed mysterious, magical, and fun? Well, that feeling was your enteric nervous system.

Curtis, 9/5/14

Just yesterday this was Alternate Dimension Curtis, and today he’s Conscience Curtis? OK whatevs nobody reads the comics anyway so why bother, right? But can we have Evil Twin Curtis tomorrow, please? I’ve got some plans for Barry.

Hägar the Horrible, 9/5/14

Slylock Fox author Bob Weber Jr. is doing gags for Hägar the Horrible these days, and you can tell: that carriage has Count Weirdly written all over it. Careful, Helga – it’s an overcomplicated, ineffective trap!

Josh is now officially an Angeleno, moved in, Internet-connected, unpacked Real Soon Now, and rarin’ to go. Look for his Comment of the Week selection, followed by regular posts starting Saturday. I sure hope the laid-back California lifestyle doesn’t creep into his commentary.

Thanks for reading, and for the great support during an extra-long fundraiser. See you next time!

— Uncle Lumpy