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Judge Parker, 6/8/14

OH MY GOD

THE MURDEROUS, VILLAINOUS ARMS MERCHANT NAMED “FLACO” WHO’S BEEN MENACING OUR HEROES FOR MONTHS IS GOING TO SPARE THEM BECAUSE HE LOVED JUDGE PARKER SENIOR’S TERRIBLE, UNREADABLE BOOK

THIS IS THE GREATEST POSSIBLE RESOLUTION TO THIS STORYLINE, MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN I COULD’VE POSSIBLY IMAGINED

Seriously, remember back on the cruise where we first encountered these sinister wedding-ruiners, and Alan read a negative review of his book from an awful elitist Ivy League double-professor, and then later he ran into her on the cruise and he publicly humiliated her, because she had an opinion? That character will have been treated by our narrative with significantly less compassion than Flaco, who sells deadly weapons to the highest bidder in conflict zones worldwide and before that worked for the Securitate, the most notoriously brutal Eastern European secret police of the Cold War era, all because Flaco loves Alan’s shitty spy novel. I love everything about this. Maybe Flaco will stop demanding the diamonds back, as long as they’re invested in turning The Chambers Affair into a terrible, unwatchable movie? Dare to dream!

Momma, 6/8/14

Sure, Momma is terrible to her kids, but there’s nobody she’s harder on than herself, and it’s often in her dreams and reveries that she really lets her self-loathing run rampant. Here she is imagining being spurned by her husband, in the afterlife! Or maybe just her corpse is being spurned by his corpse? Either way, pretty depressing!

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Beetle Bailey, 6/7/14

Oh, look, it’s more fun on The Halftracks Hate Each Other Saturday! The joke here, I think, is that while the General might view his zany “KISS THE CHEF” apron as a marker of his laff-a-minute attitude towards life (and it did genuinely take me a minute to parse the idea that “KISS THE CHEF” is supposed to be “funny,” rather than just some kind of weird long-standing cliche), it only serves to remind his wife of his notorious roving eye and lack of affection for her. If that’s the joke, it would have worked better if the Halftracks had been hosting a cookout party of some sort and there were lots of party guests present, pretty ladies among them; we’ve never seen any such thing happen, presumably because the General’s entire social life consists of playing golf with his sycophantic mid-level officers, and his wife seems to have no friends to speak of. In the context of what we actually see here — which is to say, the General is grilling two hamburgers, because he and his wife are the only ones eating and are the only ones there — a more reasonable guess at the punchline would be that Mrs. Halftrack is repulsed by the idea of physical contact with her husband and rebelling against suggestions that she initiate it, though honestly that seems a little dark for this strip.

Dick Tracy, 6/7/14

So this slo-mo intermittent Dick Tracy-Little Orphan Annie crossover is still happening, I guess! Today, Daddy Warbucks is brazenly offering to straight-up bribe whatever city Dick patrols (Neo-Chicago?) so that the police department will assign its best officer to his particular case. He’s … supposed to be a good guy, I think?

Apartment 3-G, 6/7/14

At last, the setup promised by this strip has been realized! Anyway, if a deer and a horse can be friends, if by “be friends” you mean “be in proximity to each other for a few minutes while the deer is literally being held in place,” then sure, there is hope for us all, if by “there’s hope for us all” you mean “this alleged deer-horse relationship tells us nothing about the human condition or our potential for happiness or intimacy with our fellow beings.”

Dennis the Menace, 6/7/14

I mean, he’s making you dig your own grave, Dennis, so, probably! It’s not like you’ve got a lot more years to look forward to, if you catch my drift.

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Greetings, friends! Hope you are enjoying your afternoon and this comment of the week!

“Put your glasses on, Daddy, so I can remember who you are! After all, today is the day we descend on you like a pack of feral pugs, and I want to remember you as you were — weak-eyed, weak-chinned, and too weak to lead the pack. It’s Jeffy time now, old man!” –Voshkod

And these hilarious runners up!

“If you take the final panel of Mary Worth and remove the context, it looks like someone finally illustrated my favorite work of fanfic: Elderly He-Man Meets Hillary Clinton.” –ratnerstar

“Jerry’s Midtown Eatery looks like the most fun place in midtown to be employed at! Not only did Tommy get to come into work wearing his Silver Age Aquaman costume, Tina is currently seeing how many standard size marshmallows she can cram into her jowls! (‘Five’ is the answer. That’s why she’s holding up five fingers to a suitably impressed Tommy.)” –gelded wilderbeeste

“Veterinarian degrees usually have the name of the school across the top. Fake online ‘VET’ certificates have a picture of a yellow snake, because animals, get it?” –Chareth Cutestory

“Of course, ‘Marvin poops a lot’ and ‘Marvin hates his dad’ are not two separate strains of joke, but are all components of one coherent joke that could be characterized as ‘If Sigmund Freud wrote the comics page, it’d go something like this.'” –Dr. Mabuse

“Iris attempts to take food from Wilbur’s plate. The little girl is a red herring. The next storyline is going to be about the severe bite wounds on Iris’s arm, Tommy’s relapse when he gets into her Vicodin, and, ultimately, serious questions about whether Wilbur’s had his rabies shots.” –Christopher

“We’re all looking forward to Hi’s little monocle popping out and falling into his tiny brandy snifter when it’s revealed that the book club is halfway through Fifty Shades of Gray, followed by Lois telling him exactly how she feels about bondage sex in a room full of strangers.” –Roger

“For Hi, this is the height of the literary look, assuming that the high priest of that look is Mr. Peanut.” –Gary

“I find it interesting that while Dean Young and John Marshall are not willing to risk the patent-lawyer ire of Calvin Klein, they have no such qualms about tempting fate with the legal department of the McIlhenny Company.” –eriqjaffe

“It’s only natural to develop a complicated attitude about your mother once you’ve spent eight months in her pouch.” –BigTed

“‘Fellers.’ It’s been about 50 years since anyone has said ‘Fellows,’ let alone one of its stupid bastardizations. Gasoline Alley continues to know its audience.” –Roto13

“Taken totally out of context and with its word balloon removed, the third panel of this comic strip would appear to be a perfect relic of the 1970s: Bella Abzug getting in on the Saturday Night Fever disco craze. Francis’ bell-bottoms only strengthen the illusion.” –Joe Blevins

“Momma isn’t actually pointing at heaven. She appears to be pointing to the second story of the house, which extends over the bench where Francis is sitting. So I guess that means Poppa’s body is hidden in the crawl space.” –Guts Dozier

“No one would mistakenly refer to Momma as the ‘Head of the Family’ if she actually had a torso.” –nescio

“Well, the timing of that Blended tie-in promotion isn’t working out for Mark Trail’s syndicate.” –sporknpork

Mary Worth: “I can show you lots of interesting things, Olive. This place is a carny sideshow. Check out the meth addict over there, straight out of prison. And the fat guy with a combover? Wilbur poses as a woman online to advise idiots who write to him and he’s too lazy to even respond. He has me doing it. And that’s his freak of a daughter with the two tone hair. Been studying at Local U. since Christ was a Corporal. Finally we have what passes for a Charterstone sugar daddy here in the rotund, hirsute form of Ian Cameron. That’s his wife, Toby, who I call Dopey, and she’s obsessed with miniatures if you know what I mean and since you’re from New York, I assume you’re chillingly precocious and do know. Stick with Auntie Mary, kid, and you’ll never be bored again.” –Gabacho

“Silas frowned. It was here, just a minute ago. The counter, his shop, the racks of books … they had just vanished. The two boys still stood there, each clutching a comic book Silas had never seen before, with no title or plot teaser of any kind, just the cold, unfeeling faces of Spider-Man and The Phantom. ‘No problem, we’re jest lookin’ at th’ pitchers!’ The boy chuckled, his face fixed in an awful sneer. ‘Jest like we’re jest lookin’ at ETERNITY, Silas.'” –Tophat

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