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Panel from Slylock Fox, 8/3/14

I’m actually, genuinely sad that Slylock’s usual soulless ratiocination didn’t end up benefitting Slick Smitty this time around. “Sorry, everyone, you paid to see the singing clam, and it’s logically impossible to prove a negative, so we can’t rule out the possibility that you saw a singing clam while it happened to not be singing. Welp, off to solve more crimes!” How do you think Slylock “convinced” Slick Smitty refund all the money? Was it via biting? Was there biting involved?

Panel from Heathcliff, 8/3/14

Guys, I don’t think I really cover Heathcliff’s “Kitty Korner” often enough on this blog. There’s some real drama that goes down in these supposedly adorable cat anecdotes. Real drama. Girl, your boyfriend is no good and your cat knows it, is what I’m trying to say.

Panel from Dennis the Menace, 8/3/14

HAHA THE LADIES THEY KEEP SCREWING UP THE JOB THEIR GENDER ASSIGNED TO THEM AMIRGHT FELLAS BUT WHAT’RE YA GONNA DO IT’S NOT LIKE YOU’RE GOING TO COOK OR ANYTHING

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/2/14

Aww, the formerly unsympathetic dean character has been humanized by this revelation of her loss! Of course, the last Rex Morgan character who was made more sympathetic by Iraq War-related factors turned out to be a dirty liar, so don’t switch teams in this gripping academic drama just yet.

Hagar the Horrible, 8/2/14

No matter how cheerful Hagar looks, he knows that his violent, terrifying, lawless existence is no way to live, and yearns for the peace of the grave.

Luann, 8/2/14

TJ’s plots have kind of been in the doldrums lately, and so I approve of this new narrative direction, in which each of his ill-thought-out schemes ends in a fiery explosion and a fraudulent insurance claim.

Six Chix, 8/2/14

By “involvement” she means “having sex with and not using birth control,” I guess!

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Oh hey it’s Friday and we’re back on the regular schedule and that means it’s COTW time!

“I think Momma is taking a Dadaist approach to its own work; a month ago the words were hand-written, but now they’re in Comic Sans. It’s like painting a mustache on the Mona Lisa, except instead of the Mona Lisa it’s a crudely drawn elderly lady whose kids don’t like her.” –Alex Blaze

But wait! There are some hilarious runners up as well!

“Aside from plot, characterization, and character development, I feel that another thing missing from this story is an explanation of why Tommie and Carol only look at/talk to each other over their shoulders. The only thing I can think of is that this whole thing is really some kind experimental marathon theatrical performance in Central Park, a ‘Theater of the Banal’ played to an audience of disoriented drug addicts, dying dogs, and you, Dear Reader.” –Voyage of the Oversnark

“Welcome to Parker Retirement Communities, the perfect place for your parents’ golden years. Dormitory-style housing, to keep a community close. Watch them race to get the top bunk! Farm-style eating, three times a day. The spry ones get to the head of the trough! And arts and crafts, to keep brains and fingers nimble. Where ‘more zippers, mule!’ isn’t just our slogan, it’s their way of life. That’s Parker Retirement Communities — look for us in low-tax industrial zones across America.” –Voshkod

“The thing that keeps pluggers from running for office is Sam Brownback’s 2009 bill prohibiting the creation of human-animal hybrids. But with his political star on the wane, perhaps the plugger’s time is finally nigh.” –Dan

“There’s just something wrong with the Apartment 3-G narrator saying ‘The days pass quickly…’ OMG, if only.” –Will C.

“So, you’re Les? Well, if you’ve crapped in your pants while crying, you can’t get in my car!” –Dr. Mabuse

“The only way this could possibly work would be for Mason’s ‘No way? Seriously?’ to be delivered in an incredibly sarcastic tone. ‘Look, buddy, I KNOW he’s you. I KNOW this is based on your own story. When I asked Who is he?, I meant, Who is he really? What’s the heart of the character? I was trying to get closer to the true Les, and you responded with an obvious, condescending remark treating me as if I were a moron. Huh…come to think of it, I guess you DID answer my question.” –Erich

“Hey, wanna come over and watch my cat go to the bathroom? I’ve got a fresh batch of lemonade and a giant, curtain-less picture window situated just perfectly to offer an unobstructed view. Be a shame to let ’em go to waste.” –Joe Blevins

Rex Morgan, M.D.: “June’s condition was revealed during Strippers & Clamfest, 2012. It’s apparently not the kind of pregnancy that results in a birth, more a curse Sarah placed on her.” –Downpuppy

“It was a proud moment for the comics editor when he insisted that the original caption, ‘Didn’t I tell you to have your defecating contest outside?’, be replaced with something less edgy.” –odinthor

“Momma needs to realize that this joke just might fail someday. She’ll set up it up by saying her husband’s death left an emptiness, and her date will respond with ‘Help me out here, are we sitting on chairs or are we both wearing capes? Hey, yours just vanished into thin air. Can mine do that, too? I’d really like to go home now.'” –made of wince

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