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Gil Thorp, 5/3/14

Gil Thorp’s baseball-season storyline continues to be super boring, to the extent that today’s panel three got me thinking about how great it would be to see the Gil Thorp creative team take a few weeks off from high school sports action to give us a recap of the Battle of Stalingrad. It’d be all big flappy hands and confusing jumps back and forth to different indistinguishable soldiers in the various battle zones and occasional appearances by Field Marshal Erich von Manstein dispensing vague platitudes while wearing a shit-eating smirk. It would definitely be more interesting than whatever’s going on with Lucky Haskins’s academic problems, I tell you what.

Apartment 3-G, 5/3/14

Tommie has been under Jack’s Svengali-like sway for three whole weeks, which is plenty of time to get her into a routine, work her to exhaustion, and separate her from all desire to go back to her previous life. But he hasn’t stopped his scheming there, and frankly I approve of his plan to ply the formerly bearish Professor with carbs and cheese, as his new character design is far too emaciated for my taste.

Herb and Jamaal, 5/3/14

Yes, why would you solve a math problem with some dumb old “equation” when you could just use common sense instead? That … that would be a super power, honestly.

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Hey y’all, just a reminder for those of you who will be in New York City or NYC-adjacent this weekend that I will be participating in a live show where I and other funny people, including Bob Powers (of the “Just Make A Choice!” Choose-Your-own-Adventure series and the hugely popular GirlsArePretty blog) and Andrea Shapiro (of Puttin’ On Your Big Girl Pants), will be reading aloud from movie novelizations! As previous reported, I will be reading from the novelization of Star Trek: Generations, focusing on the sections pertaining to everyone’s favorite renegade Klingon sister act, Lursa and B’Etor:

The show is at 6 p.m on Sunday 5/4, at Baby’s All Right at 146 Broadway in South Williamsburg, and you can buy tickets for $7 or check out the Facebook event. Please come, it will be fun/hilarious!

And now with that out of the way: your comment of the week!

“This is an act of surprising intimacy on Wilbur’s part — he has introduced Iris to the person who makes his sandwiches. What more personal detail could there possibly be, for him to reveal next? Will he introduce her to the barber who grooms his four hairs?” –seismic-2

And your very funny runners up!

“If Franz Kafka were being kept alive by artificial means, he would be 130 years old right now and probably very, very tired. Under those circumstances, Sunday’s Crock is exactly the kind of thing he might write.” –Joe Blevins

“Darn hip and knees and elbows and lungs and heart and brain and soul and universe.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“Hmm … I know Tommie is an unstable near-widow who displaced her feelings onto a wild deer that she was trying to raise in our apartment like a child. Yeah, three weeks is about the right amount of time to wait before we get concerned.” –Snark Twain

“Lamp? Oh no. That’s a sentient Snakecam™ with variable subject setting! See how it inspires conversation in your guests, by uploading petabytes of information directly into their brains, then forcing them to disgorge it in a way that simulates friendly banter! Be the envy of your neighbors! Then, be the terror of your neighbors! Then, in the black and smoking ruin of the world you have wrought, be the nothing of your neighbors!” –bunivasal

Funky Winkerbean: “Same artwork, better dialog: ‘Why, Jessica … I wasn’t expecting…’ ‘IS THE TOILET STILL IN THE BATHROOM!?'” –Dr. Mabuse

“We’re lucky that Heathcliff is a one panel comic, because it’s obvious what the lifting of his tail is leading to.” –nescio

“If you’re anything at all like me, you responded to today’s Mary Worth by jumping to your feet wondering just where and how and how soon you could get a long-sleeve polo with button cuffs. Well, my friends, you are in luck: Kent Wang sells them for just $85 apiece. And, as I’m sure you’ve already noticed, they come with ‘a spread collar for a subtle, rakish look.’ Whoo-hoo, Santa Royale is getting hot tonight!! Pro tip: Best to follow Wilbur’s example and get your shirt in white, so the mayo stains don’t show.” –Oregonian

“Youth slang tends to be incomprehensible to parents. One wonders, then, what POOP really means. Is it an acronym, perhaps ‘Poison Only One Parent?’ ‘Potent Opioids Open Potential?’ Not so kid-friendly now.” –Voshkod

“Do you have an important business meeting, job interview, meeting your love interest’s father for the first time? Why not try Iris’ power handshake? Simply align yourself off to the side and grip the other person’s thumb like you’re strangling it. You are now in control.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Sure, it’s all cheerful now, with Wilbur actually having a friend who isn’t an 80-year-old biddy and all. But wait until they fall back exhausted after sex, and Wilbur, staring at the ceiling, asks, ‘What do you suppose Jerry at the sandwich shop is doing right now?'” –Dr. Mabuse

“Yes, Jess’ mother’s camerawork style is influenced by European impressionism, as demonstrated by the use of dutch angles in her family home movies, whereas Jess herself has her own unique, dark, minimalist style, in that she rarely takes her camera out of the bag.” –pugfuggly

“In panel two, is Wilbur’s shameless glee driven by the fact that Tommy could be his ‘inside man’ at Jerry’s? Or is this his very best Hannibal Smith plan coming together with problem solved and Iris and he bound forever to Jerry’s? Or did he just let out a SBD fart? I guess we’ll find out in a couple weeks.” –Dtyler99

“I think Jerry would actually really like having Tommy the Tweaker working for him, since judging by his clothing, hairstyle, and mustache, he clearly was a drug dealer on Miami Vice prior to opening this restaurant.” –Brad

“Nigel Smythe-Clownhair of Rumpledtux-upon-Wessex has awfully high expectations for a dude who married someone with Dr. Seuss trees for legs.” –Daniel

Judge Parker: “They send non-recurring characters to drop untold wealth on the undeserving — but they cannot draw Abbey’s nipples because it would be considered obscene!” –cheech wizard

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Six Chix, 5/2/14

If you’re an wealthy older guy with unruly clown-like hair and you manage to convince a younger woman to marry you, most people would be convinced you’re only after one thing. But the truth is that you’re probably also interested in a having a gracious hostess to help you throw all the black-tie dinner parties that are crucial to your social position. So yeah, I totally get why this guy is so furious that his wife has deliberately misconstrued his urging that she be more social and has chosen to publicly embarrass him in this way. This is a totally relatable comic that encapsulates the kind of thing that happens to real people all the time!

Blondie, 5/2/14

Well, technically, Dagwood, if you subscribe to the auteur theory, Francis Ford Coppola made The Godfather; or, if you prefer to think of filmmaking as a collaborative, industrial process, you could blame producer Albert S. Ruddy and Paramount Pictures. Also, whoever made the movie, they made it in 1972. That was 42 years ago! So it’s a good thing Blondie got this joke in while it’s still a hot topic.

Spider-Man, 5/2/14

Wait, Robbie and JJJ think people like Spider-Man? Oh, man, we could have all saved a lot of trouble if this misunderstanding had been cleared up earlier.