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Family Circus, 5/6/14

If there’s one thing we know about Billy Keane, it’s that he hates learning things. Attempts to get him up to the base knowledge of knowledge necessary for being a functioning member of society have inspired in him a range of emotions running form smoldering anger to haughty contempt. But today we see that resisting all forms of intellectual advancement is just straight-up exhausting. When will Billy get to stop fighting with the chance to learn something about the world outside himself? When will they just let him wallow in his own ignorance? How much more of this do you expect him to take?

Six Chix, 5/6/14

I’ve always thought it would be a good real estate strategy to check out houses where high-profile murders or other horrible things took place, since I’m not superstitious about that sort of thing but a lot of people are, and it seems like I could get a good deal, maybe. Like, for instance, a house where a couple of children were killed and eaten! That’s what happened here, right? Because the kids in the Hansel and Gretel story killed the witch, so this is clearly an alternate scenario, but there’s no way everyone survived. Those kids were stone-cold killers. It was eat or be eaten. What I’m saying is that from a real estate perspective, that’s a much bigger problem than just the lack of candy attached to the outside of the house. The candy was probably attracting rats anyway, let’s be honest.

Mark Trail, 5/6/14

i don’t mean to frighten you

than normal bears

PURE POETRY

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/5/14

After weeks of being mad that their babysitter was a terrible little whore, June has now, reluctantly, come around to the conclusion that the problem is really that her daughter is a blackmailing monster, and so she’s going to have a little talk with Kelly about the situation. Sarah’s creepy, unsmiling gaze, locked on Kelly in both panels, is pretty harrowing. “Remember, Kelly, snitches get stitches,” is what that look is very, very forcefully saying.

Judge Parker, 5/5/14

April is of course a well-trained intelligence agent and highly skilled killer, but it’s her long experience with her new in-laws that will help her out in this scenario. Remember, when trying to track down a member of the Spencer-Driver-Parker clan, just follow the trail of discarded cocktail glasses!

Spider-Man, 5/5/14

Say what you will about the ludicrous “Iron Jonah” plot that’s just now wrapping up, but it did feature a surprising amount of super-heroic action! Thank goodness that’s over so we can spend the next one to four weeks on more familiar ground, with some good old-fashioned feelings-processing.

Apartment 3-G, 5/5/14

“Keep it up, Tommie! You’ve isolated yourself from your friends and you’re working yourself to exhaustion for no pay at the command of this weird, controlling dude you barely know, and you’re still talking about that baby deer like it’s a person! You look great, in that sweater you’ve been wearing for three weeks straight! I’m an actual psychiatrist, by the way!”

Pluggers and Shoe, 5/5/14

THEY’RE BIRDS DAMN IT

BIRDS

BIRDS DON’T WEAR DENTURES AND THEY DON’T GO TO THE DENTIST AND THEY DON’T FLOSS BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE TEEEEETH

GOD DAMN IT

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Crankshaft, 5/4/14

Sure, Crankshaft’s relentless punning is irritating, but I think his forced little joke here has some solace for Keisterman. It’s true that his body is failing and that there’s nothing he can really do to permanently ease the pain of his bum shoulder; but at least he can take solace in the fact that his shoulder won’t literally die before he does, that he won’t be forced to go through his last years toting around a mass of necrotizing flesh and bone. This is the Funkyverse, Keisterman: The pain means you’re alive.

Heathcliff, 5/4/14

We interrupt this fiesta of filth to point out the unsettling fuzzy green figure in panel five, whom I assume to be beloved Sesame Street muppet and trash-can dweller Oscar the Grouch. As a quick Google Image Search will show you, even on the rare occasions when we see Oscar’s feet, they’re protruding from the bottom of his aluminum home. I’ve always assumed that he was like a hermit crab, with a borrowed exoskeleton necessary for survival during the adult phase of the life-cycle of his species, and so seeing him naked and unprotected like this is extremely disturbing to me.