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Hagar the Horrible, 2/4/14

The Romance of the Three Kingdoms, a Chinese historical novel written in the 14th century about the 3rd century collapse of the Han Dynasty, contains a number of fascinating stories both historical and legendary. One of my favorite (probably fictional) episodes involves Zhuge Liang, a Daosit mystic who was also chief advisor to Liu Bei, one of the warlords fighting for supremacy as the Chinese Empire came apart. Liu Bei had made an alliance with another general, and their joint armies were camped across the river from their rivals; Zhuge Liang had earned the suspicion of Zhou Yu, a general in the allied army:

Zhou Yu was jealous of Zhuge Liang’s talent and felt that the latter would become a threat to his lord in future. He assigned Zhuge Liang the task of making 100,000 arrows in ten days or face execution for failure in duties under military law. Zhuge Liang promised that he could complete the mission in three days. With help from Lu Su, Zhuge Liang prepared 20 large boats, each manned by a few soldiers and filled with human-like figures made of straw and hay. Near dawn, when there was a great fog, Zhuge Liang deployed the boats and they sailed towards Cao Cao’s camp across the river. He ordered the troops to beat war drums loudly and shout orders to imitate the noise of an attack. Upon hearing the noise, Cao Cao’s troops rushed out to engage the enemy, but they were unsure of the enemy’s strength, because their vision was obscured by the fog. They fired volleys of arrows towards the sound of the drums and the arrows became stuck in the straw figures. The boats changed direction when one side became loaded with too much arrows so as to restore balance. In the meantime, Zhuge Liang was enjoying wine with Lu Su inside the cabin and they returned to camp when the fog cleared. By the time they returned to camp, Zhuge Liang had acquired more than 100,000 arrows and Zhou Yu had no choice but to let him off.

So Hagar’s idea definitely has a respectable lineage behind it! However, due to the extremely hardcore nature of Viking culture, the arrows to be used will be plucked not from straw mannequins but from his warriors’ own mangled flesh.

Hi and Lois, 2/4/14

Boy, Hi and Thirsty sure look like they’re having a blast in panel one, don’t they? We can all see why they’re avoiding their wives and families for some boisterous bro time, just hanging out together and staring silently into the middle distance. “Last call,” says Thirsty, expressionless, as they prepare to gulp down their enormous cocktails and step out into the night.

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Mark Trail, 2/3/14

I don’t want to brag or anything but haha who am I kidding obviously there is NOTHING in this world I like more than bragging about my ability to predict Mark Trail plots! Anyway, I think it’s pretty clear from this strip that Jessica Canupp and her taxidermist boyfriend “Marlin” (they gave him a nickname based of the dead animals whose skins he fits over a rigid frame and then fills with sawdust!) are going to turn out to be bad guys. That’s because Mark stopped a guy from spearing an endangered turtle just off the shore of their private island and instead of being all like “THANK GOD YOU STOPPED THIS SENSELESS TURTLE SLAUGHTER” they’re eyeing him with suspicion and doubt. Probably Jessica’s seemingly benign pelican-rescue operation has a sinister purpose, like creating an army of attack pelicans for al-Qaeda, or illegally harvesting pelican livers, which are most delicious when wrenched from the guts of still-living elderly pelicans.

I do, however, want to make clear that I’m not showing you this strip just to prove that I’m right about everything all the time, but also to share with you Mark saying “Unless you want to end up in jail, buddy, you’d better stop killing turtles.” This sentence ought by rights to replace everything ever written in the history of English literature, and the accompanying depiction of the turtle-killer’s hat dramatically flying off his head should replace every work of visual art ever made.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/3/14

Normally I angrily rebel against every dumb “cutesy” wordplay punchline in Funky Winkerbean, but if Cayla’s quip here means that Les will literally die from exhaustion trying to churn out a terrible television movie script about his wife’s suffering, then I will revise my stance on the issue.

Apartment 3-G, 2/3/14

Nooooooo let it go on forever let the deer just keep pooping everywhere let it replace Lu Ann as the third 3-G roommate

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As America has suffered under the polar vortex these past few weeks, many faithful readers have written me to point out that Mark Trail himself has been popping up intermittently on the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association’s website!

Obviously the best way to to reach the kids today to make sure they don’t get frostbite is to have their favorite cartoon character (Mark Trail) drop knowledge on them via their favorite communications medium (websites). And sure, keeping kids from having to have their fingers amputated is a “good cause” or whatever, but is Mark getting a little too cozy with the government?

Mark Trail, 2/2/14

Look, Mark wants you to narc out these borer beetle characters to the Feds if you see any of them! Sure, they seem gross, but we’re not going turn snitch just on your say-so, Mark. Remember when Mark Trail used to go around punching cops in the face? Such a drag to see him sell out to the Man like this.

Hi and Lois, 2/2/14

The sad thing about the prominent product placement in this strip is that I very much doubt it’s been paid for; it’s just that the MetLife, which both flies a blimp that’s prominent at major televised sporting events and owns the naming rights to the stadium where the Super Bowl will take place, is such an integral part of today’s game that it would be strange to leave it out. In this sense, the fact that this prominent branding has invaded Hi’s very dreams seems to me to be a pointed commentary. Yes, Hi, well might you shiver: life in the post-modern mass media capitalist landscape is chilly indeed.