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Mark Trail, 6/30/14

Whoops, looks like I misinterpreted the relationship between Lori and Chris earlier — they aren’t a mismatched good gal/bad guy couple, but rather a good gal/bad guy safari buddy pair, in which the bad guy wants more, probably because he’s bad. Tonight Lori is letting Chris down extremely not-easy: she’d be perfectly willing to look past his ruined finances and his life-destroying gambling problem if only she felt even the slightest bit of romantic attraction for him, which, she can’t emphasize enough, she does not. Ha ha, Chris, feel free to think that Lori has “fallen” for asexual weirdo Mark Trail over the past six hours that she’s known him and that’s why she doesn’t want to be your girlfriend! But that’s not it at all. It’s you! It’s just that you’re terrible and nobody could possibly love you!

Shoe, 6/30/14

While traditionally birds and reptiles have been seen as different classes within the animal kingdom, over the past few decades biologists have redefined their taxonomies based on evolutionary descent rather than physical characteristics. Since birds are descended from dinosaurs, the distinction between birds and reptiles is thus false. Crocodiles and alligators, for instance, are more closely related to birds than they are to lizards or turtles. What I’m trying to say here, lady, is that you’re a bird and your feet are scaly and clawed and maybe you shouldn’t be so self-loathing about it.

B.C., 6/30/14

He’d never been fishing before, so he didn’t really know what to expect. Certainly he wasn’t anticipating that he’d get to sweet-talk and then make love to a fish. Not that he was complaining, mind you.

Heathcliff, 6/30/14

The cat wig business is great ha ha ha I have literally no idea what’s happening here or what it could possibly mean

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/29/14

Hahahahahaha Mrs. Pierpont might be a nice old philanthropist with a WASP-y name but it turns out that she was an active participant in organized criminal activities! Her “driver” was presumably a violent mob enforcer, and now will be driving around a kindergartner and her teenage babysitter! Oh, this is rich, rich, and should be great for Sarah’s personal and professional development. “What do you think, Sarah … should I give it to them?” she’ll be asking again in a few weeks, only this time it’ll be about whether she should gun down two members of a rival gang in a dark alley.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/29/14

Hahahahahaha they’re actually calling the movie version of this nonsense Lust for Lisa! This was mentioned in the strip immediately after this one, which I didn’t bother mentioning because I figured it was just a terrible one-off joke and we’d never hear about it again, but turns out nope! Turns out hilariously, hilariously nope. Anyway, if they’re still looking for a sexxxy direction to take this in, I suggest this classic Shortpacked strip.

Momma, 6/29/14

Hahahahahaha … no wait, this comic is about how a mother and son are meeting just after the son’s latest casual sexual encounter, much to their mutual disgust, it’s not funny or laughable at all :(

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Mary Worth, 6/28/14

Mary is taking an interesting tack in dealing with little Olive’s supposed revelations: rather than dismissing them outright and telling her she’s crazy, she’s smoothing down the edges, encouraging her to take the wisdom she’s receiving directly from the Divine and recasting it in the language of a Hallmark card. “Dear, I’ve never had my soul burned by the otherworldly glow of a being from a transcendent plane to whom we would seem to be mere insects, but I still believe we could all do better if we just try a little harder!” she says, as she fills a pie crust with ice chips for some reason.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/28/14

Under most screenwriting contracts, the writer is actually paid in multiple steps: this first and largest chunk is sent upon delivery, but there are additional payments designated for the expected rewrite and polishing work that every screenplay goes through. So, in other words, Les is literally being paid thousands of dollars to write while being put up in one of Hollywood’s most exclusive and storied hotels. Don’t you feel terrible for him?

Wizard of Id, 6/28/14

Do you think “board” is some ancient but still legitimate synonym for “hump,” or was it just the end product of a long and tortuous negotiation between the author and the syndicate about leg-humping euphemisms?