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Heathcliff, 2/6/14

One of the keys to the Heathcliff mythos is the title cat’s extreme sangfroid: despite the madness going on all around him, even when it’s madness he’s implemented, he keeps his cool. Whether he’s meeting the Garbage Ape’s new sidekick or being worshipped as a god, he tends not to get really worked up about anything. Thus today’s panel, which I assume to be some kind of drug-induced hallucination, makes total sense to me. Not only is Heathcliff himself largely unimpressed to discover that a hitherto inanimate ball of yarn has somehow sprouted a face and is speaking to him, but the yarn-face itself — which, I must emphasize for my own sanity, I believe to be a mere projection of Heathcliff’s chemically-altered subconscious — appears pretty blasé about its unexpected and horrifying existence. “Yeah, you should probably bat me around or whatever,” it mumbles affectlessly. “Hey, if I unravelled, would the individual components of my face become separated from one another, and each have its own eerie detached existence somewhere on the long string of yarn spread haphazardly across the room? Boy, that’d be a thing, huh.”

Better Half, 2/6/14

This seems like exactly the sort of dumb tchotchke financial services firms would give out to their lowest-profit clients, so I’m not exactly sure what the joke is supposed to be here, unless it’s that Stanley has taken the ham-handed metaphor seriously. And, honestly, wouldn’t some kind of time-travel device be the best investment aide you can imagine? Only the top customers get the backwards-pointing chrono-compass, which allows you to get in on the ground floor of surprisingly high-performing stocks; but by jumping ahead decades into the future, Stanley and Harriet can let compound interest create the sort of retirement cushion that they could never have otherwise hoped for.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/6/14

“Your precious Lisa dies at the end, right? You’d better believe I want some popcorn for this.”

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Blondie, 2/5/14

Today’s Blondie is mostly standard-issue Mismatched Marital Hijinx, but I have to say I’m pretty in love with the weird and delightful second panel. It’s as if the sudden disruption of their comfortably distant routine has sent Blondie into a vertiginous spiral; even the low-level boost in emotional intimacy that comes from just making eye contact with her husband has sent her reeling. This is a couple that deliberately arranged their living room furniture so they don’t have to see each other even when they’re in the same room, remember. After only a moment of looking at her husband, she takes the opportunity afforded by his sipping his coffee to put her head most of the way down, maybe to overwhelm her senses by taking a big whiff of whatever’s on her plate, or maybe to just calm her nerves so she doesn’t vomit. In short order, she needs the barrier between her and Dagwood again. This experiment in spousal interaction is now over.

Apartment 3-G, 2/5/14

I find it deeply hilarious that Tommie answers what I assume is either Apartment 3-G’s landline or the phone connected to the building’s intercom system by saying “This is Ms. Thompson.” I guess she wants to put her most formal foot forward because she’s been eagerly awaiting a phone call — not from her fiance, with whom I assume that not even Tommie would be on a last-name basis, but from the producers of the hit reality TV show I Can’t Stop Hoarding Baby Animals! “This is it! I’m going to be famous!” she thinks. “Just let me finish dusting up all this deer urine!”

It should of course come as a surprise to nobody that Tommie’s fiance is a Identical-Looking Apartment 3-G Male Type (Dark-Haired Model), but it is a little weird that he appears to be calling from downstairs but also sitting in an office somewhere. Maybe he got a job as the building’s doorman, to be closer to her?

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/5/14

Oh no

Oh NO

The devil’s rock ‘n’ roll has finally reached Hootin’ Holler

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Hagar the Horrible, 2/4/14

The Romance of the Three Kingdoms, a Chinese historical novel written in the 14th century about the 3rd century collapse of the Han Dynasty, contains a number of fascinating stories both historical and legendary. One of my favorite (probably fictional) episodes involves Zhuge Liang, a Daosit mystic who was also chief advisor to Liu Bei, one of the warlords fighting for supremacy as the Chinese Empire came apart. Liu Bei had made an alliance with another general, and their joint armies were camped across the river from their rivals; Zhuge Liang had earned the suspicion of Zhou Yu, a general in the allied army:

Zhou Yu was jealous of Zhuge Liang’s talent and felt that the latter would become a threat to his lord in future. He assigned Zhuge Liang the task of making 100,000 arrows in ten days or face execution for failure in duties under military law. Zhuge Liang promised that he could complete the mission in three days. With help from Lu Su, Zhuge Liang prepared 20 large boats, each manned by a few soldiers and filled with human-like figures made of straw and hay. Near dawn, when there was a great fog, Zhuge Liang deployed the boats and they sailed towards Cao Cao’s camp across the river. He ordered the troops to beat war drums loudly and shout orders to imitate the noise of an attack. Upon hearing the noise, Cao Cao’s troops rushed out to engage the enemy, but they were unsure of the enemy’s strength, because their vision was obscured by the fog. They fired volleys of arrows towards the sound of the drums and the arrows became stuck in the straw figures. The boats changed direction when one side became loaded with too much arrows so as to restore balance. In the meantime, Zhuge Liang was enjoying wine with Lu Su inside the cabin and they returned to camp when the fog cleared. By the time they returned to camp, Zhuge Liang had acquired more than 100,000 arrows and Zhou Yu had no choice but to let him off.

So Hagar’s idea definitely has a respectable lineage behind it! However, due to the extremely hardcore nature of Viking culture, the arrows to be used will be plucked not from straw mannequins but from his warriors’ own mangled flesh.

Hi and Lois, 2/4/14

Boy, Hi and Thirsty sure look like they’re having a blast in panel one, don’t they? We can all see why they’re avoiding their wives and families for some boisterous bro time, just hanging out together and staring silently into the middle distance. “Last call,” says Thirsty, expressionless, as they prepare to gulp down their enormous cocktails and step out into the night.