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Mary Worth, 4/25/14

Oh, Mary! How could we ever doubt the nobility — and the complexity — of your intentions? It seems Mary never had any intention of meddling Tommy into a job at all. I mean, she’s not against Iris’s son finding gainful employment — whatever gets him out of Charterstone is fine by her! No, Mary is after something much, much more difficult than helping an ex-con with dumb hair find a fulfilling career: she’s trying to find love for Wilbur Weston. She recognized when Iris had reached the state of emotional desperation necessary to be receptive to Wilbur’s advances, and has even left the possibility open that Wilbur himself might help solve a difficult problem and thus boost his self-esteem. Truly, Mary never tires of challenging herself with seemingly impossible meddle-quests.

Blondie, 4/25/14

Speaking of awkward and weird, Dagwood is reading a broadsheet paper that features the 1754 Join, Or Die cartoon on the front page, for some reason? And he expects it to be of interest to an actual, literal five-year-old? Also, Elmo is only five, and yet his parents are never seen and he seems to wander freely back and forth through the neighborhood between the Bumsteads’ house and wherever it is he lives? This seems like a lot of trouble to go through to trash-talk Dan Piraro.

Apartment 3-G, 4/25/14

OK, we can all agree that Tommie and her pet deer needed to get out of the apartment and see some changed scenery, but the look of sly satisfaction on Jack’s face indicates that she’s stumbled onto some kind of BDSM scene here that I’m not sure is really what the doctor ordered, you know?

Dennis the Menace, 4/25/14

Bringing Joey into his mother’s bedroom and narrating the action as she stands paralyzed in terror by the unstoppable march of time and its effects on her body? I deem Dennis’s behavior today: pretty menacing!

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Beetle Bailey, 4/24/14

Did Sarge just claim that our nation’s military is nothing more than a bunch of clowns? I’m sure I’m wildly misconstruing whatever baffling joke the strip is attempting here, but if slanderously asserting that America’s only military-themed comic strip just insulted our heroes is what it takes to get it pulled from newspapers nationwide and finally putting an end to its penchant for horrifying clown depictions, then I’m not going to feel any shame about it.

Herb and Jamaal, 4/24/14

You know, auditory hallucinations get a bad rap! You only hear about them when they do awful things, like order their sufferers to kill. But sometimes they only make whimsical suggestions, like “Hey, wouldn’t it be a pretty good idea to sleep in a laundromat?”

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Pluggers, 4/23/14

I certainly don’t begrudge the Pluggers creative team their occasional week off to run Plugger Classics, as I’m sure depicting honest, hard-working Americans making do the best they can as freakish man-animals gets exhausting after a while. I am a little unsettled by today’s vague double entendre, which may be intended to dovetail with the whole “spring break” theme. However, if Friday’s installment is “PLUGGERS GONE WILD” and features the pluggers casting off their clothes, cars, and other anthropomorphic aspects and just straight up going at each other like predator and prey, I’ll be willing to forgive a lot.

Mark Trail, 4/23/14

Speaking of predators and prey, new-school Mark Trail not only loves his wife but engages in straight-up combat with enraged bears. ALL HAIL THE NEW ORDER.