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B.C., 12/18/13

It is of course impossible to tell exactly how many thousands of centuries before our own era the denizens of the B.C. universe lived. We do know, because their world is generally dominated by primitive but still clever hominids, that it was long after the age of the great and terrible Elder Gods, as the flesh and souls of any puny creature such as Man would have long ago vanished into their awful maws if they still held their rightful place. Yet as we see in today’s strip, the Reign of the Old Ones was recent enough that a degenerate few of their awful number still lurk, waiting to be set loose so they can rise on leathery wings and feed. Why is B.C.-character-whose-name-I-probably-never-knew looking so dazed? Why is he drilling hole after hole in the ice, apparently not even noticing the nightmarish tentacles and mouth-polyps arising from the frozen mire? Presumably he’s no longer in control of his own faculties, and that all of his normal thoughts and feelings have been replaced by the thrumming mindwaves resonating up from below the ice. FREE ME. FREE ME. FREE. ME. We can only pray that, in repayment for his service, his end will be swift and relatively painless.

Archie, 12/18/13

On the subject of unspeakable horrors, did you know that Jughead has a tiny little cousin, who looks exactly like him except smaller, who’s named “Souphead Jones,” for some reason? I thought this might be the most boring opium dream ever, but he’s a real thing that exists, apparently, to the extent that anything in the Archie mythos is “real” (and don’t try to tell me that things I’ve spent hours of my life thinking about, like, say, Archie’s Betty-Veronica dilemma, aren’t real, thanks very much). Anyway, Soupy has been good literally all year, in order to get presents, but apparently is done with that jive as of Christmas day. 2014 isn’t going to be about being good. 2014 is going to be terrifying.

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Mark Trail, 12/17/13

Holy crap, things are getting dark for our hero, who thought he was slickly and silently sneaking up on not-Jared Jeff to take his gun, only to get a roundhouse kick right to the face. It occurs to me: we all know that Mark is the implacable enemy of all forms of nonstandard facial and head-hair; but is it possible that, in facing a nemesis like not-Jared Jeff, who has no hair to speak of, he is powerless? Lost Forest’s criminal element has finally discovered that ultimate power was only a quick shave away all along!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/17/13

Meanwhile, over in Hootin’ Holler, the Smith family is starving to death, what with the lack of economic opportunity in the region and Snuffy’s refusal to do any kind of paying work, forcing Loweezy to go door to door begging for sustenance from her almost as impoverished neighbors. This … this is not the hilarious hillbilly laughfest I ordered, guys :(

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Mary Worth, 12/16/13

Oh goodie, Mary is hitting the “NEW YORK IS THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD” fugue state many visitors achieve when they’ve been there for a few days, assuming they haven’t been permanently turned off by the density or the people or the smell. Look at how blissfully happy she is shoving that delicious cheese ’n’ grease triangle into her grinning teeth in panel one! We all know she won’t have the nerve to actually up and move to New York, but look for her to sigh theatrically and talk about how everything in Santa Royale is so lame compared to New York for weeks after she gets back. (She’ll be right.)

Marvin, 12/16/13

I guess “Elf Marvy” is supposed to be Marvin’s dream elf name, à la Hermey the Elf from the Rankin-Bass Rudolph special? Or maybe “Marvy” is just the cool nickname that he’s always wanted but nobody will give him, because it has the same number of syllables as “Marvin” and also nobody likes him enough to give him a nickname. Anyway, Marvin this week will be relentlessly hammering home some dumb joke where Santa Claus becomes one of the Duck Dynasty people, so brace yourself for that.

Heathcliff, 12/16/13

I’m not sure what possible interpretation of this cartoon is more unsettling: that Heathcliff is going to fuck this cupcake, or that he’s going to eat it, with the visual tropes of romance being a metaphorical lead-in to eating it.