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Six Chix, 3/2/14

Haha, no, don’t worry, storks aren’t really going to be replaced by drones any time soon! Just like the story of storks delivering babies is a metaphor, so too is this image of remote-controlled machines carrying infants about! The stork, which, like all birds, is a creepy, weird creature covered with gross feathers and scaly skin, is a metaphor for the usual biological process of human reproduction, which is a fairly disgusting procedure involving awkward positions, icky fluids getting everywhere, and problematic emotional entanglements. The drones represent the bright future, when our next generation will be grown in clean, efficiently engineered machines, tended by expert technicians. When they reach term, the babies will be lifted out of their germination vats by autonomous drones, which will deliver them to the lucky parental units assigned to them. So, yes, I guess that part isn’t really a metaphor.

Rex Morgan, M.D. 3/2/14

Say, did you forget that back in December li’l Sarah caught her babysitter Kelly doing sex stuff on the Morgans’ couch with her boyfriend, and Sarah used it as leverage to get a cookie, and also anything else she wants? Well, Sarah didn’t forget. Sarah never forgets.

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Judge Parker, 3/1/14

I was going to apologize for not keeping you up to date on the conversation between April and her dad, but then I realized that it’s literally lasted two weeks and can be easily summed up as follows: April’s dad is on the run from some Romanian weapons-smugglers he’s fallen out with, and now they’ve managed to plant a tracker on April’s car and are on their way to this impregnable jungle fortress/cancer research facility, presumably travelling via heavily armed helicopter gunship. Good times appear to be in the narrative hopper, though, if the sinister grin of bloodthirsty mercenary/cheerful groundskeeper “Abbott” as he promises that April and Randy’s wedding ceremony will not be unduly disturbed by the endless screaming of their enemies is any indication.

Blondie, 3/1/14

Nobody in this strip is what you’d call “introspective,” so I guess Elmo is as likely a candidate as any to stumble onto self-reflective questions of ontology. Dagwood, who can only dimly grasp the philosophical thought processes this line of questioning has provoked in his young pal, is probably wrong about what’s going on in that closet; it’s more likely that Elmo is just using the dark, warm space to go into a fetal position, having arrived much too quickly at the “why is there something instead of nothing” problem.

Spider-Man, 3/1/14

It’s good to see that New York’s criminal element has a clear-eyed perspective on exactly how much of a threat Spider-Man is to them (namely, not much).

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Are you ready for your final comment of the week of February 2014?

“Actually, now that I think about it, Reggie, why are we here in Jughead’s house, watching him while he sleeps? Why are we, two people who do not like each other, lovingly standing over our mutual acquaintance and talking about his faults? Could it be, Reggie, that we have gone through the other side of mutual disgust, clear through hate, and emerged into a new territory of fondness for this poor troll of a man? Or maybe have the police just not shown up yet? Either way, this is going to end with us making out, Reggie, just saying.” –Tophat

And your runners up! Very amusing!

“Here, Mr. Fox, take my money! Just please don’t eat me or my child! Oh, no, he’s throwing it back. We’re doomed!” –Digger

“If each of those pairs of dots/squiggles represents Francis’s eyes, then he’s currently displaying the entire range of acceptable reactions to one of his mother’s lacerating zingers: anguished wincing, total boredom, and blank indifference.” –Joe Blevins

“Who the hell builds a snowman mere feet from the edge of an icy precipice? Is it to attract curious children who will then inevitably slip down the slight incline and over the edge to a frigid death below?” –Joe Momma

Judge Parker: “I know it’s been weeks (months? years…?) since something exciting has happened in this strip, but I still don’t think that ‘April and her father continue talking’ deserves an exclamation point. What are you going to do when the Gardia brothers show up and the real action starts? Start bolding random words like you’re Mark Trail? It’s no way to live, guys…” –pugfuggly

“Crankshaft: where Death goes to die.” –Voshkod

“Wilbur knows what any successful tubby, washed-up hack columnist in Santa Royale’s best-kept-secret-free-advertising-circular knows: that the journey to self-improvement begins with wiping the drool off your chin.” –The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan

“I think this must all take place in an Icelandic Saga as she is required to give her lineage when she introduces herself. I guess since she’s doing remote she only has to list siblings. If she was the anchor she has to go back at least to her grandfather Thorgirn Ballew slayer of Ole Siggurdson.” –Maltmasher

“I’m glad to see Mark being a good citizen and ‘picking up’ after Andy does his business.” –Midtown

“In panel 1, Wilbur and Iris are clearly on opposite ends of table. In panel 2, Wilbur’s upper half begins sliding across the table, inching closer and closer to Iris. It’s a shame her expression is obscured.” –Inkwell

“Fortunately Wilbur knows exactly how to respond to an emotional outburst by a recovering drug addict: grimace and threaten them with a shiv.” –Christopher

“Less obvious source of humor than Tommy’s far-overblown, non-subtle panicked shriek is the hilarious suggestion that Wilbur has a ‘friend’ with connections.” –hogenmogen

“The big box store? No! I can’t! I mean… that won’t work for me! Look, old man, I did my time in the Big Box and I’m not going back! Not. The. Box. Don’t put me in the Box!” –Amos Snarkadder

“Occam’s Razor-O-Meter says: You’re a plugger if you have diabetic neuropathy.” –Baka Gaijin

Rex Morgan, M.D.: “What a … SHOCKING development! Huh? Huh? What, too soon?” –Kevin on Earth

“Pluggers remember lighting up the stage as No No LaPuta, Queen of off-strip Las Vegas revues. Your golf game may suffer, but your rendition of ‘Just Like Jesse James’ will sing in their ears forever. You’re a star, Pluggers. You’re a fucking star.” –Dan

Judge Parker: “It does occur to me that — assuming April doesn’t just intend to use Randy as a convenient cover for her espionage activities and in fact has some feelings for him — she has managed to find the man perhaps least like her father in the entire world. Say what you will about Judge Parker the Lesser — ensconced in the insulated bubble wrap of economic privilege and as ineffective, inept, oblivious, and genially low functioning as he may be, tarantulas and covert international arms deals are just not in him.” –Master Softheart

“This image of a twisted, jostling mangle of human office workers looks like something you might find if you splashed lemon juice and shined a UV light on a Hieronymus Bosch hellscape painting.” –Chareth Cutestory

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